Monday, May 27, 2013

Where is my home?

Sometimes I feel like I'm torn in all of these different directions. I never really notice it unless it's quiet...and I'm alone...with my thoughts.

I grew up in Wisconsin. I was born there, went to school there, made my first friends there, fell in love there. My family still lives there. My home is there...but in a way it isn't. I have a million memories there...a million dreams and hopes and wishes all began there...many of them while lying beneath the white canopy on my princess bed in my pink bedroom. It's home...but yet it isn't.

I moved to Oregon when I was 19. It takes my breath away how beautiful it is there. I don't know that the people who were born and raised there truly realize just how amazing it is. The mountains all around you...the lakes and the forests...the's incredible. I experienced the sites and sounds of the world around me while the middle of nowhere...just a sleeping bag and a tent. I bathed in a river. I sat around a campfire and listened to native american drum circles. I learned how to snowboard. I saw the Redwoods. I heard the sound of complete and total silence while sitting on a moss covered tree in the middle of the Redwoods. I bought my first car...a white VW Superbeetle. I saw the sunset on the Pacific ocean and saw the sunrise as I smelled the salty air all around me. I learned how to love the sights and sounds around me. I learned that I am a part of nature...I am a part of my surroundings. I learned how to stop...and look up to the sky or out to the mountains or across the sand dunes or across the water....and feel it...feel that i am a part of it all and it is beautiful. The people I met there are my second family. I love them more than I even know how to explain in words. They are a part of me....a part of who I am. I had my first broken heart there. I met my soul sister there...a woman who taught me what it means to be happy with who I am...just the way that I am. The people there are different than they are in Wisconsin. They're more laid back...more relaxed...more grounded with nature and the world around them. The friends I made there got me....they knew me...the real me...the me that I felt I couldn't be for so many years. They knew me and they loved me for me...exactly the way that I was. Oregon was once home for me. It was my first home away from home. In some ways, Oregon is still my heart is still there. I met my husband when I lived there. I met him online actually. I fell in love with his voice...his laugh...his kind heart...I fell in love with him even though we were miles apart.

I moved to Ontario to be with him. I married the man of my dreams. It's been almost 13 years now since I met him, and I still get butterflies when I look at him. He makes me smile when I don't feel like smiling. He makes me laugh like no other. He loves me more than I could have ever hoped to be loved. Together we had reason for breathing. She is my heart. Ontario is home...but at the same time it's not. I live here...I have worked here...I have made incredible friends here...I have started a life here...a family here. I had to face unimaginable heartache here when Emma was diagnosed. I faced it head on and I grew as a Mom...I grew as a woman...I grew as a human being. I learned what the true meaning of the words perseverance and hope and worry meant. I learned them because I live them daily with diabetes. I met my d-family here. They have saved my life and my sanity on more than one occasion. They have supported me in ways that I never thought possible. The love me and I would be lost without them.

So, when the world around me is quiet, and I let my thoughts carry me away...I feel torn sometimes...torn in ways that I can't explain in words. Where is my home? Where do I belong? Where do I fit in? All of these places? None? It's a very unsettling feeling sometimes. I know that home is where the heart is...and my heart is with my husband and Emma. I guess feeling this way is probably normal. I have left pieces of my heart all over the place. My home is in home is in home is here. In a way I guess that makes me have so many places that bring me love and happiness...I wish that I could have them all wrapped up in one though...especially nights like tonight...when it's quiet...and my thoughts carry me away.

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