It's 2:11am....and I'm here on the couch....my head is pounding and my eyes are leaking...tears are rolling down the bridge of my nose and I can see them form into a droplet at the end...perched precariously on the tip...until it becomes too much...and it falls...landing on my shirt...leaving behind a dark spot...a reminder of the frustration...a reminder of the moment...
Today was a bad day. Three site changes...lows...highs...juice...blood...the whole works. Sometimes it's just too much. Sometimes it just builds up and one maddening moment turns into another and that turns into another and it gets so big and so overwhelming and so depressing, that it makes it hard to breathe.
So here I sit....trying to breathe. Crying tears that I don't want to cry....angry tears...overwhelming tears. Every single blink of my eyes is like a jackhammer pounding through my head. I can feel every beat of my heart...thudding away...echoing the pounding madness in my head. It hurts. It is a continual bass drum beat reminder of where I am...who I am...and what I'm doing.
Yes, it's a bad day...that has spilled over into a brand new day...but it's all one continuous day now isn't it? It's one continuous day that I live...separated by moments of broken silent sleep. Yes, I know this isn't the first bad day...and definitely not the last. I know I'm not the only one. I know there are some who have had much worse days. I know all of these things...but it still doesn't stop the pounding frustration in my head.
It's 2:11am and I really wish her pancreas would just work already. I just wish I never knew what this pounding feels like. I wish I could just sleep.
I feel like that tiny droplet of tears right now...trying to hold on...trying to stay whole...but I've fallen...I've fallen off the edge and the only thing I've left behind is a darkened memory and echos of this pounding day.