So recently I've been watching episodes of "My So Called Life" again. For those of you not familiar with it, it's a TV series that aired in the 90's starring Claire Danes and Jared Leto. It's about life as a teenage girl...school, her parents, love, friends...growing up. I loved it back when it first aired and I love it now.
It's sort of bizarre though, because my reasons for loving it then as compared to now are very different. Back then, I was a teenager....I could relate...I felt like this girl, Angela, was living the exact same life as me. I felt like I didn't exactly belong. I felt like my parents didn't understand me and they just didn't know what I was going through. I had a huge crush on a "bad boy" type...and felt like he didn't even know I existed. I would pass him in the halls of school and my heart would skip a beat. I dyed my hair burgundy and wore plaid flannel shirts and ripped jeans. I listened to The Cranberries. I over-analyzed everything. I was trying to find myself. I hate that term...."finding myself".....it's one of the few cliches that I can't stand actually. I don't think a person can find themselves. I think that we are all completely aware of who we are....we might just get distracted along the way and feel lost...feel like we aren't fully there...fully present...fully ourselves. This show made me feel like I was understood....and isn't that really what we all want? To be understood? Isn't that the epic quest? To just finally be able to see the connection in someone else's eyes and truly believe that they understand us?
When I watch the show now, I love it because it transports me back to that time....to that version of myself. I can almost smell the Nag Champa incense burning and feel the soft flannel shirt sleeves against my skin. Echoes of Pearl Jam and Soundgarden ring in my ears. Time was so much easier back then....even though at the time, I thought it was so difficult...so hard...so overwhelming. I thought my world would end when my parents wouldn't let me go somewhere...or when I wrote a poem in my creative writing class that was full of teenage angst and despair....only to have my teacher write a comment on it...in red pen...saying "every teenager feels this way...this is nothing new." That sentence written in red pen hurt my feelings....it made me feel like I was just one kid in a crowd of clones...like my thoughts didn't matter because they had all been heard before...they had all be said...I wasn't important or unique.
When I watch the show now, I see things from the parent's perspective. I feel the Moms pain when her daughter doesn't want her around. I feel her pain when she wants to brush the hair out of her face and tuck it behind her daughter's ear...but she hesitates...her hand hanging in mid air...a look of letting go and sadness on her face. I understand the parents concern and worry now. I get it.
My So Called Life meant a lot to me as a kid....and I'm finding it still means a lot to me now. No matter what the year...what decade it is...or who I am in that moment.....I can relate. I feel understood. It's kind of strange how something that represents the old version of myself...the pre-D Mom version of myself.....still is relevant to me now.
Oh...and just to keep this post diabetes related......Angela's grandfather has diabetes....type 2 to be exact.