Sometimes I get tired. I get tired of the whole process. The talk...the routine...the monotony. It's just too much. It kind of borders along the lines of obesessing really. I know what you're thinking....how could you not be obsessive when it comes to a disease that affects your child's health and well-being...their life? It's kind of an oxymoron I guess. Sometimes I can easily put on my D-Momma cape and fight the good fight and advocate and be the voice and try to help others and be there for them as well as be there for my own family. Other times I just want to leave that cape in the closet, curl up on the couch underneath my purple Snuggie, and nap away the day. It gets to the point where I have had enough. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to do anything except what I absolutely have to do....check blood sugars, give insulin, and count carbs....be Emma's pancreas, in other words. I just lose that extra bit of oomph.....the hootspah is gone...I go on auto-pilot. It only happens sometimes...but it happens.
It's normal. It's all part of the process I think. When the doctor walks into the room and tells you that your child is type 1 diabetic...people first sympathize with you. There might be pity involved...people offering words of sympathy and comfort...trying to ease your stress and your pain...tears of sorrow for the loss of the life of ease that ended the day prior. As time goes on, people tend to move on....they lose interest...they stop encouraging unless they themselves are also part of this lovely club...they see you as having taken charge, mastered this life, made it work. They have seen your strength and they feel like there is no reason to offer up as many words of encouragement. So, there you are left on your own....with the DOC beside you for the most part....left to live this life...fight the fight every day. It's just expected of you. Sure, as time goes on it gets a little easier....the sting of the reality goes away a little. You are fully entitled to have those days though where you shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to talk about it...not wanting to hear about it...not wanting to do anything about it other than what is needed. It's ok to feel that way. This d-life isn't a straight and narrow path...it's not smooth and clearcut and obvious. There will be ups and downs. There will be moments of glory and there will be moments where it takes all of your strength to get out of bed in the morning. It's just the way it is. We just have to take the bull by the horns and realize that we can't all be positive and uplifting on the same days....we can't all be happy all of the time...we can't all be withdrawn and tired of it at the same time either. It's ok to be whatever you need to be on whatever day you choose to be that way.
Most of all, it's ok to feel however you are feeling on whatever day you are feeling it. It doesn't make you a bad parent or a bad person or even a bad pancreas. You are doing the best you can...and if on any particular day your best finds you on the couch napping and not thinking of or talking about diabetes at all the entire day.......then that is ok too.