So I have been MIA for the past few weeks and it is all thanks to one of the worst stomach viruses to hit this house in a long time. Emma started it all off and passed it along to me. Each time that we are forced to deal with an illness and diabetes, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I can't do it, like I am going to screw up, like the lows are going to never end, the ketones are never going to go away....but somehow we always pull through. We always seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel and make our way back to health again.
I have found though that when I am the one who is ill....it's an indescribable feeling. It's like I have to let go a bit. I have to put my trust in other people way more than I would ever feel comfortable with if I was in my right healthy mind. I am not saying that I don't trust my husband to manage things, because I do....but in all fairness, he is not normally the one to handle diabetes related things because he is the only one working...I am a stay at home Mom...and therefore I am usually the one at home managing the big D. Anyway, I find that letting go...that feeling like the diabetes world is just out of my fingertips reach. I know it's there...I can see it going on all around me, but I just can not do it. I was stuck on my own sick island in the living room...floating around on my raft that was the couch...bundled up under my big purple Snuggie and vacantly staring at the tv. I was stuck there feeling seasick, feverish, cold, and lost. Sure I made random leaps to the bathroom in an attempt to rid myself of the virus, but for the most part I floated along all alone. I saw dinners being made, carbs counted, boluses given. I saw blood sugars checked and corrections made. It was all going on right in front of me and I had absolutely nothing to do with it. The virus had forced me to take off my D-Mom hat and set it aside. All I can say is that it was a surreal thing.
One day in particular I actually kept Emma home from school because I was too sick to take her and I was worried that if she went low at school that I would somehow have to find a way to force myself to go there to help her. So, I spent the entire day slipping in and out of consciousness on my couch/raft and left most of the care to her. Emma is 8 now. She has been living with diabetes for nearly 4 years. She has been pumping for almost a year. She is mature and she knows when to ask for help. So, I would awaken in my fevered stupor on the couch to find her checking her BG because she felt low. I found her grabbing a snack out of the cupboard and gently waking me in her sweet whispered voice to ask me the carb count. I found her entertaining herself..playing with her toys, watching a movie, blowing bubbles on the porch. When I finally awoke late in the afternoon, I discovered her sitting on the floor near me working on a Get Well Soon Mommy card. My heart melted....ahhhh....how did I wind up with such a sweet girl. It's like I came home with this tiny baby in my arms....blinked...and now before me stands a kind, caring, nurturing, loving, and thoughtful little girl.
So, now that I am better I find myself greatful for the sunshine...greatful for the ability to sit on the porch with my girl and blow bubbles with her...greatful to count the carbs in her food...greatful to bolus her...greatful to give her a break again and be the one handling the tough stuff...greatful to let her be simply a kid again...greatful to be putting my D-Mom hat back on again (as much as I hate the damn hat...it's still mine...and I will wear it proudly and with strength)...but MOST of all, greatful to have witnessed just how lucky I am to have such an incredible husband and amazing daughter.