Monday, April 23, 2012

My own attachment to this disease

So I have always known that Emma is attached to her diabetes devices. She loves her fact she has a huge bond with it honestly. She wears an Animas Ping which is waterproof...but we have always taken it off for baths anyway...just because she has a tendency to go lower while in the warm water. So, when she takes it off and sets it on the bathroom counter and says, "sniffle sniffle...I will put you back on in a minute Jumanji (the name she has given her pump!)...I just need to have a bath first..but I still love you!" makes me smile and it kind of makes my heart hurt a little bit to see just HOW attached (literally and emotionally) she is to this thing that keeps her alive every day. The same goes for her meter too. Whenever we are around other kids and she has to check her blood sugar and they get just a little bit too close or get a little bit grabby grabby over the thing....she gets very possessive...very territorial...she doesn't like other people to touch it or hold it. This too makes me smile and yet at the same time makes my heart hurt to see just how much diabetes has affected her and her personality.
Something happened this morning though that made me realize just how attached I am to this disease and all of the devices that go along with it. I walked Emma to school just like I do everyday. We went in to the classroom to change the needle on her lancet just like I always do. I have never really been comfortable with leaving her Animas Ping meter remote at school just because it is a lot more expensive than your average meter...and it is the only one that we get without having to purchase a seperate one out of our own pocket. So because of that, I have always kept our old Contour meter at school for her to use at snack times. Anyway, I opened up her meter case and discovered her test strip container EMPTY. Nice. So, my only option was to leave the meter I carry with me any time I leave the house....her Animas meter. I made sure to tell Emma to be very careful with it and not let anyone touch it and to be sure to put it in her backpack when she came out to meet me at lunchtime. I have to admit though that the walk home this morning...alone...without the trusty Frog shaped meter bag...was a long one. I am sitting here feeling like I have forgotten something is just wrong. I am feeling very possessive about that damn meter and I am on edge. It's sort of like that feeling you get when you lend out something to your car...or cell phone or something. You are ok with them using it, but you can't seem to shake that feeling of 'ughhh, i hope they don't wreck it'...and it probably won't go away until I have that Frog bag back in my hands once again.
I had no idea that I was so attached to that thing. I had no idea that I put so much into it. It is one of my most frequently used tools of the trade and next to the pump's probably the one thing that I put most of my faith into. This meter helps me decide how much insulin to give her. It helps me to see what her body is doing at any given moment during the day or night. It helps me open that window just a little bit and it helps make this life easier.
So, I am sitting here smiling in spite of my nervousness over leaving it there. I am smiling at the attachment and the bond I have formed with this thing....and my heart is hurting to know just how strong that attachment and bond really is. I don't think that has ever been more apparent to me than it is right now.

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