Toast, my newest 4 letter word...wait, 5 letter word! Damn!

Sometimes when I feel like I am fighting a losing battle with this disease....
Sometimes when I feel like I am not good enough...not smart enough...not strong enough...not enough...
Sometimes when I find myself complaining about how tired I am...how my brain is mush from exhaustion...
Sometimes when I catch myself getting upset or angry or overwhelmed at life's little set backs....

I look at Emma

I look at her and I realize that I am the ONLY one who can do this for her. I am the only one who can do it right. There is no one else out there (aside from my hubby) that can love her like I do. There is no one else out there that can take care of her like I can. There is no one else out there that can be a better stand in pancreas for her than I can. It's me. It's meant to be this way. For whatever reason...this is the life that we were given...this disease is the thing which we must carry....with each step...with each breath. This is our life. I look at Emma and I feel at home. She is my home.

This disease can swallow you whole if you let it. It can consume every single thought in your head and it can drag you down to the depths of despair........if you let it. I think it is completely a process....this diabetic life. We go through highs and lows...literally and figuratively. We win some and we lose some. I lost yesterday. All because of a piece of toast that was eaten without being bolused for. Toast. Toast caused her blood sugar to skyrocket...no, scratch that....diabetes caused her blood sugar to skyrocket....the toast was just the weapon that diabetes chose to use that day. Either way, I still hate toast now....and next time I have a piece of it I will be sure to chomp it down with angered ferocity over the havoc it caused us yesterday afternoon.
In any case, I believe that the bad days...the moments that send us sprawling to our knees in the gravel...those days are just as important as the good days...the victories. In the midst of the bad "toast days"...we are mad, frustrated, sad, and feeling defeated. After the room is calm again...after the beeping blood sugar meter is finished screaming those high numbers at you, the silence settles in again. The sweet silence and the time for reflection...for realizing that had you not just gone through what you did go through, you wouldn't have learned anything. Had you not just endured a few hours of misery...you would not be able to add that notch to your belt or that star to your D-Momma cape.
In a nutshell, I guess what I am trying to say is that the "defeats" (while being as sucky as they are) are making you a better person. They are making you a better Mom. They are making you a better D-Mom...and living a life with such a fickle disease as this....becoming better through your experiences is always a good thing.