Friday, May 4, 2012

They never tell you

They never tell you that one day you will have to let go. One day you will have to hand the reigns over to them and send them on their merry way to take care of themselves. They never tell you that you will have to trust that all the years leading up to that day will have been enough. That you will have to believe deep down in your heart that everything you have said to them and taught them over the years will have sunk in. That your voice will be the voice they hear in the back of their minds when they are struggling and not quite sure of what to do when faced with a crazy blood sugar number or a weird diabetes situation. They never tell you that one day your house will be from all the noises of diabetes...the beep of the pump when you bolus, the beep of the blood sugar meter, the clicks and clacks of a site change, the rat-a-tat-tat of a pen being tapped against the side of a reservoir filled with fresh new insulin. They never tell you that you will find yourself sitting there in that silence, wondering what she is doing, what her blood sugar number is, and if she is ok...if she needs you...if she needs help. They don't tell you this. They don't tell you that with each passing year, you will see your child not only growing up in the traditional sense of the word....but also growing up with diabetes...taking on more responsibility with it...inch by inch taking a little bit more of it on themselves. They never tell you that and you will find yourself one day seeing your kid bolusing themselves, counting carbs on their own for the food they are about to put in their mouths, checking their own blood sugar, telling you of the adjustments that they think need to be made. It will dawn on you that while you were busy living your life and managing diabetes, she had been paying attention all along and learning every step of the way...and now she is using the skills she has learned. It will dawn on you that whether you like it or not, this is a good thing. She is owning her disease as opposed to letting it own her. They never tell you that you will reach this point and be overcome with feelings over pride and sadness. Two such extreme emotions all wrapped up in one...swirling around fighting for position in your heart. They never tell you about this and they don't prepare you for this....because I don't think there is even a way TO prepare someone for it. I wonder if they know that the only way to make it in this d-life is to live it. I wonder if they know that is the secret.
Live this life and make it your own. Make it work. Make it a good one. Make it fun. Know in the back of your mind that your kid is watching. Your kid is learning how to make it work and make it their simply watching you. Know that yes...that day will arrive when your kid will no longer be a kid...and they will be managing this beast of a disease on their own. Know it, but try not to let it consume you and try not to let the fear and anticipation of that day soil the moments in between...the moments like right now.
Know that when the day arrives that you must let go, you will survive...your child will survive. You are a D-Mom and you have made it all of the years leading up to this point. You have made it and the strength that you have discovered within your heart because of this disease, will continue to be there for you. That strength will help you make it through this chapter of your d-life. You will take comfort in knowing that your strength shines brightly and a piece of your stubborn and determined heart continues to beat with the same strength inside of your child. It's there...and it will always be there...because even diabetes is not strong enough to break the connection between Mother and child.

1 comment:

  1. Thankfully there are baby steps to that letting go or I would need a straight jacket!! ;)