In a little over a month Emma will have been diabetic for 4 years. The mere thought of that makes my stomach tighten and my eyes sting with tears. Aside from the 1st year anniversary of being diagnosed, I think the other years have really felt like "just another day" to me. Sure, I always try to make them special for Emma....make the day about her and about how proud we are of her and how far she has come in the past years time. We always do something fun to celebrate her bravery and her determination in making this new life work...making it fit...and....basically just making it. I have done things like take her to Chuck E Cheese, a shopping spree to the Dollar Store, and even gone to see a movie. I know some people choose not to celebrate because they would rather just not remember the day...it's too painful for them. I have always tried to flip the coin though and look at it with a positive spin on it. However, this year....this anniversary...is going to be a difficult one...I think because it will signify that Emma has been diabetic for half of her life.
I was talking on the phone to my Mom last night about it actually and telling her how I am trying to steal myself and set my mind straight to prepare for this one. How soon enough, whether I like it or not, Emma will begin to have lived more days WITH diabetes, than without. My Mom could obviously tell that it was bothering me...I'm sure it bothers her too. I mean who would like to know that fact about their own child or grandchild? Who would be ok with that fact? Well, as I was talking to my Mom it occured to me that I need to try and flip the coin on this one too. As soon as that sentence fell out of my mouth, I realized that I need to try and look at it as Emma has LIVED more days with diabetes, than without. She has LIVED those days. She has thrived. She has made it work. She has been more brave than anyone I have ever met. She has become more and more strong with each passing day...each needle...each finger poke...and each insulin pump site change. She has done it. She has proven to me day in and day out what the true meaning of determination and strength is. She will have LIVED more days with this damn disease than without.....and I am in awe of that fact.
So, as this day quickly approaches, I will be trying to shove aside those thoughts of sadness and anger and look at it from that point of view.....I will try...and I hope that I have enough strength to see it that way instead.
Diabetes has taken so much from us....and I am going to dig deep and find my own strength as her Mommy to look at it that way. The other side of the coin...the sad, scary, depressing, angry side of that coin seems just too overwhelming.