I read something on the internet tonight that hurt my feelings. I know it shouldn't....because it was simply one persons opinion...one person I don't know...one person who was just sharing their thoughts...and everyone is entitled to share their thoughts. But it still hurt my feelings to read the words nonetheless.
It was an adult living with type 1 expressing their frustration at parents of children with type 1 whining about this disease and complaining about it...when really it's not their disease...and one day they will be able to let it go...because their children will grow up...and they will be the ones dealing with it for the rest of their lives...or at least until a cure is found.
I'm happy this person was able to let their frustration out...but it stung to read their words. I know without a shadow of a doubt in my mind that if it was possible, I would take this from Emma. It's agonizing to know that it's her disease...that there's nothing I can do to fix it...there's no possible way for me to take it from her. It's a heartache that is indescribable. I've spent the last five years trying to keep her healthy...trying to do it right...trying to be the best pancreas I can be for her because I want her to live a full and healthy life. Even though, I know it's ridiculous to feel it, sometimes the guilt is so overwhelming that it is almost paralyzing. I know I did nothing to cause her to get this...but she came from me. I carried her inside me for 9 months...I gave birth to her....I gave her life...and this happened. How can you NOT deal with guilt every once and a while? When her BG's are high because I screwed up guessing on the carbs....it's my fault...I caused the high...I am responsible for the damage that high and all of the other highs may do to her body....me...I am responsible for it. The pressure to get it right is insane, to be honest.
I wonder if this person has children of their own. I wonder if they know what it feels like to have your heart walking around beside you every day...out there in the big bad world...carrying a heavy weight...this disease...all that it entails...in their tiny little four year old body. I wonder if this person knows what it's like to be the one responsible for keeping them alive...the one who is stabbing them with needles day in and day out...needles filled with a "medicine" that they need....a "medicine" that if miscalculated, could kill them. I wonder if this person has ever thought about things like that...if they've ever tried to put themselves in another persons shoes...a parents shoes...and see just how tortuous it is to hold that precious life in your hands and see the tears fill their eyes and know that you are about to inflict pain on them and you don't have a choice...you have to do it...you have to because you want them alive.
I don't know the answers to these questions because I don't know this person. I am sure they were just venting and releasing some frustration...and that's ok...it's good actually...I'm happy they had an outlet to let it go.
But the words still stung me. I'm disappointed in myself for letting it get to me.
You know what? I think that you and that person whose opinion hurt your feelings are both a lot alike. You're both angry and frustrated with diabetes. It's a terrible disease that makes a huge impact. The other writer was frustrated that he/she has diabetes forever. Someday Emma may feel that way too.
ReplyDeletePhil, that's great perspective. Thank you.
DeleteYou're right, my friend...and I hope if she ever does feel that way, she is able to vent her frustration as well. I wrote this mainly because I was disappointed in myself for letting someone's valid opinion hurt my feelings :/
DeleteHey, you expect too much of yourself. Why not be upset? That's OK. I read something by another blogger just this morning, in fact, about how she will be taking a break from blogging and reading blogs because she has been made to feel guilty so many times about expressing her opinions, or about feeling upset about comments or other blogs, or about sharing that she's had a bad day, or about just being herself (i.e. not always perfect). It seems like a lot of people read blogs and social media and expect others who are putting themselves out there to always be perfect. None of us is perfect, though! It was OK for that other person to express their feelings, and it's OK for their comment to upset you. You shouldn't beat yourself up about it. It's also OK for you to share that you were upset, if that's what you want to do and if it makes you feel better. Personally, I don't blog and I don't read many diabetes blogs because I find they bring me down. I like to read blogs about natural remedies and healthy eating! I use FB to keep in touch with family abroad, and I try to portray a positive outlook all the time to avoid worrying them. If I'm not feeling positive, I stay away from it! But it's OK to use it differently, and a lot of people do. The main problem I think we have in society these days is that too many people are judgmental, and that's what has made you feel guilty, IMHO. You see yourself and others being judged all the time so you've ended up judging yourself too harshly. Give yourself a break and be upset if you want - it's fine :) Then move on! Life's too short :)
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