Holding my breath

It's hard to explain to someone how diabetes doesn't only affect the person diagnosed, but rather the entire family. I mean..yes...obviously the person diagnosed is the one feeling it and living it and enduring the needles and pain and highs and lows. But this disease also affects the family too.

I've found it harder to relate to things that upset "regular" people. Things like getting frustrated over one sleepless night...or not being able to find a babysitter so I can go out with friends for some adult beverages...or not getting to go out on a date night with my husband. I can't relate to it because it's not my life anymore. That life was ripped from me years ago.

When I'm around other D-Moms, I feel like I can breathe. I feel like all of my minutes up until the point that I'm with them are spent with me holding it all in...holding my breath...holding my feelings inside...pretending to be the old me. And then when I get around my D-Mom friends....I can just let it out....breathe...be the me who I truly am now. I would walk to the ends of the Earth for these women. I would give them the shirt off my back...the last dollar in my pocket...anything. I would do anything they needed me to do because they know...they get it...we are one.

I think I spend the majority of my time trying to live in spite of diabetes....live loudly...live freely...live with ownership. Sometimes, I think that I need to try and live more alongside diabetes though. I need to learn how to live with it and somehow merge the two parts of myself together...the old me...and the current me.

I wonder if the old me would understand how important that is....to hold onto a shred of that innocent carefree light. I don't think she would, to be honest. Maybe that's why the 'me' that I am now tries so hard to put myself out there and be that friend to others.

It's funny how diabetes makes you feel torn in two sometimes.