What might have been

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like had diabetes not shown up uninvited. It use to make me sad to think about a life that we could have had....a life that was never to be written.

I got 4 years as a regular old Mom. Four years of giving her sips of my juice...bites of my food. Four years of opening the pantry door and asking her what she wanted for a snack...without a carb count or insulin ratio thought in my head. Four years of watching her run and play and be a kid. I got 4 years of sleeping peacefully at night....ok...more like 2 1/2 years of peaceful sleeping...Emma was not a good sleeper as a baby or toddler...but in any case...I got a good solid 2 years of worry free sleep every night.

Looking back on it now, I realize how blissfully unaware I was and how much I took for granted. Emma was my first child...my only child. I realize that I am starting to forget what it was like on a day to day basis. The memories I have of being her Mom during those first 4 years are like a whisper of what once was. It's sort of like looking through a window in the middle of winter...taking a deep breath and as the window in front of you fogs over when you exhale....you still try to see through...you wipe away the fog...leaving behind streaks in the shape of your fingers...but yet you still try to look through. My original life...my days as a regular Mom are outside that window. It's blurred and fogged over...but I still see it. I still see that version of myself. I miss her sometimes.

I wonder how my life as a Mom would have played out had the events that occurred on June 26, 2008 been different. What if the doctor had walked into the room and said, "oh it's just a bladder infection...here is a prescription for an antibiotic...she should be feeling right as rain in a couple of days." instead of saying the dreaded D word? What if we had been able to walk out of the hospital that morning...hand in hand...gotten into the car...and driven away back into our regular old life? Would I be happy? Would she have been happy? Would she still be the same kid she is today? Would I have gone back to work when she started kindergarten? Would she still have ended up being as independent and strong willed as she is? Would I? Would I be more emotional and cry more over silly little things? Would I be as compassionate? Would I still have this overwhelming urge to help people? Or would I have been so wrapped up in my own life...my job...my friends...to even cast a second glance?

I don't know. I don't know how we would have ended up. I don't know what our lives would have been like. I will never know because the doctor didn't send us on our way that day....he didn't give me a prescription....he said the words type 1 diabetes...and our lives were never to be the same.

Sometimes when I feel the need to daydream about what might have been and I wipe away the fog from that window, it makes me realize that despite all the pain diabetes has caused on this side of the window....I like our life...I like it because it's REAL...and it's strong...and it's ours.