I have been battling highs for days now...she has four molars coming in...it's humid and hot out...all things that make her high. Its the perfect recipe for disaster...and fucking combo plate from hell in my world. She's 29.2 right now....fucking 29.2.
I'm losing...diabetes is winning and I hate it. It's taking everything in my power not to cry. I don't want to cry. I don't want to give diabetes the satisfaction. I don't want to cry any more fucking tears for diabetes...no more...none...diabetes doesn't deserve it. It kills me that I am trying my best and my best is not good enough.
I was just walking around in the mall with Emma and looking at all of the people there and thinking...you have no idea...none whatsoever. You have no idea what it's like and I hope that you never do. Sure everyone has their problems...everyone has their own issues. I know that so many people have it worse than I do...I get it...I fucking get it already. But right here...right now...right in this moment of time I fucking hate diabetes with every single fibre of my being. I hate it and there is nothing wrong with hating it. There is nothing wrong with being pissed right the fuck off at it because you know what? It DOES fuckin suck! It sucks ass and I would give all of the money and all of the possessions I have in the world to make it go away. I would give my life for her. I would give her my pancreas if I could. I have bartered and bargained with God many times...please just make it stop...please make it go away...please make it better...I will do anything you want me too! I will be a better person I will be a better wife and a better mother and a better friend. I will do anything you want! Just please make it stop already! I can't take it anymore and she shouldn't have to take it anymore and we have had ENOUGH!
This disease just takes and takes and takes....and no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you are fine and she is fine and it's just another setback and we will get through it and she will be fine and just keep swimming just keep swimming just keep fucking swimming....it's still there...we will still wake up tomorrow morning and it will still be there.
It NEVER GOES AWAY! Ever! It's ALWAYS FUCKING THERE! Like a paper cut that you can't stop touching...like when you burn your tongue on a hot cup of coffee and you can't stop fucking with it and it hurts and it's annoying and it's always fucking there.....except those things heal...those things go away eventually...but a busted ass pancreas is forever.
She did nothing to get this. Nothing. And here we are....pretending like we know what we are doing...pretending like it's all ok...pretending like we are fine. Well I'm not fine. I'm tired. And I'm losing and I can't fathom doing this for another day. I know I will....but in this moment....I can't imagine it. It's too much...too hard...too exhausting...just...too...much. And I have enough. I don't want anymore.
<3 stay strong! I know how you feel. And this is probably how my parents feel at times too. It sucks so freaking much and I wish it would go away too. but just keep swimming and keep your head up.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ellie <3
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