Do you ever feel like you have no one that truly understands? No one that you can talk to without fear of judgement? No one that you feel comfortable enough with to just let it all out in a flurry of tears and hurt? Do you ever feel like no one gives a shit.? Do you ever feel like people expect you to have it all together and any time you have a true problem, there's no one to be found that steps up to the plate to lend an ear? Do you ever feel like after all these years your supposed to be the one who helps...the one who listens...the one who cares...the one who is the good friend...the reliable friend...the supportive friend? Do you ever find yourself sitting there at night alone...traitor tears falling from your eyes...all the events of the day swirling around in your head creating the perfect storm of chaos and sadness? Do you ever wish that just once....just one time someone else would be there to lift you up and tell you it's ok...I understand...I hear what you are saying and I want to help?
Sometimes being the strong one....the supportive one...the reliable friend...is hard. I have spent nearly six years building up a wall to protect myself from the insanity. Slapping a smile on my face and pretending like I'm always fine...I don't need help...I don't need a friend to understand me and be there for me like I would for them. It's a double edged sword really.....I don't like feeling weak...it's almost painful for me to ask for help or a shoulder to cry on or just a friend to listen. So I put out a vibe of joking around...laughing...being ok. I put it out there and I think I am really just fooling myself. It's true....most people don't get it really...most people don't care...most people have enough on their own plates and in their own lives, that why should I expect them to want to take on the job of hearing about my problems. So, instead, I lie to myself. Instead I keep moving. Instead I slap the smile on and laugh and act like I'm ok all the time.
Well, sometimes I'm not ok.
Sometimes I need help.
Sometimes I'm too tired to pretend.
Just because I've been at this for 6 years doesn't mean I don't have melt downs still and feel lost and alone. Sometimes I think the more time goes by, the less acceptable it is for me to admit I need a shoulder to lean on.