Saturday, April 12, 2014

It's NOT about control

No matter how bad it seems or how difficult the day is....there's always tomorrow...there's always a chance to try again.

This past week was hard. Like ridiculously hard. The difference this time though is that I've been on this ride before. I've waited in the line up...handed the squeaky voiced teen my ticket...and willingly or not, got on the ride. I tried to keep my arms and legs inside the moving vehicle at all times...I tried not to scream...I tried to hang on for dear life and keep my eyes closed until the ride was over.

I tried.

Sometimes the insanity of the numbers that come with changing seasons is enough to make me pack up our lives and move in search of that elusive place in this world where the temperature is always 75 degrees and never rains...never storms...never gets's just consistent and even and not too hot or not too's juuuuust right. There must be a place like this somewhere on Earth.

Night turns into day...the awful memories of the previous evening are just echoes in my mind...stubborn lows...running out of snacks to treat the lows. It's funny how a low blood sugar moment can make you see the world in a different light....a familiar park so close to home can seem like it's in another country. The surrounding houses and the faces of the public are foreign...scary...worrisome. You frantically search for an escape plan...contemplating whether or not you will make it home...whether or not you ask a stranger for a juicebox...and if that would be enough. To know that the very thing you inject into your child's body to keep them the very same thing that can kill them.....they're really are no words to describe what it's like to walk that tightrope balance every...single...moment.....of every single day. The pressure behind that responsibility is enough to send you to your knees if you let it invade your mind for too long.

And here we are at tomorrow.....which is now today....the sun is shining...the clouds in the sky are bright white in contrast to the blue surrounding cotton candy. Yesterday her face was as pale as a ghost....a vacant stare in her typically sparkling eyes. Today? Today she is running around at gymnastics with her friends...dancing to that "Happy" song. Yesterday's fight just an echo at this point.

Today I realize that while we may be destined to go on this ride's ok to's ok to force myself to keep my eyes wide's ok to throw my hands in the air and let the air whoosh from my lungs. It's ok....because there's always the next breath....I can always inhale the next moment and begin again.

Diabetes is NOT about being in control, in my opinion. It's about trying...and reaching for the stars...but knowing that even if you miss this time...the ride will continue on.

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