It's too hard

Sometimes it's just too hard.

It's hard to put on that happy face. It's hard to fit in. It's hard to realize that not everyone will be there for you even if you naively thought they would be. Sometimes it feels like no one really gives a shit. No one really cares. No one really gets it. They just nod and smile and keep talking about themselves.
It's hard to keep going. It's hard to choose happy 100% percent of the time. Words are easy...actions are hard. Sometimes I look around and wonder how the hell did I wind up here. I'm 36 and I'm here. It's hard to know that there will probably be no end to it. It's so hard to know that.....that I can't even think it....let alone speak it because I'm scared of the weight of those words and I'm scared of what they will do to me and I'm terrified that they will shatter me.

Sometimes it's hard to breathe. It's hard to see beyond what's in front of my face. It's hard not to feel guilty or jealous or angry. It's hard to shove all of the negative down....way down...and just live in the make believe world of strength and happy. It's hard to know that my every day is not normal....yes it's my normal....and I try my best....but it's not normal. It's not easy. It's not fun to silence the wishes in my head. Those wishes and hopes and dreams that are stifled by something that's completely out of my control.

It's hard.

And it hurts.

And sometimes that hurt bubbles up to the surface and it makes me feel like I am completely alone. Like the world is carrying on around me and I am standing there on the sidelines screaming for help and no one hears me because no sound actually comes out. It makes me feel trapped...and lost...and in the dark...and lonely.

Sometimes despite the fact that my head knows that I'm not alone....my heart begs to differ.