Do you feel like there is a point you will reach in your life as a D-parent where people just assume that you are ok and don't need help or don't need a shoulder to lean on? Do you think after so many years of doing this that you start to portray this image of having it all together...or at least as together as you can have it when it comes to D? Do you think that because you have spent so many years finding your groove and learning how to make this life work...that people just look at you and think that you don't need them anymore?
I do. I think that. For me that point is now. Today.
We are coming up on five years with diabetes living in our house, and I have been feeling this way lately. I feel like I am beyond that point of newness...beyond that point of getting angry over it and upset over the everyday blips and frustrations. I have trained myself...changed myself...adapted myself to see those frustrations for what they are....small moments in time. What bothered me 4 years ago....doesn't really bother me as much now. Diabetes beat me down to a pulp in the beginning. It changed my life...my families life...my daughters life. Time is a funny thing though...time passed...days turned to weeks...to months...to years. Time doesn't heal all wounds...but it does make them sting less...it makes you numb in a sense. Time passed and I moved right along with it.
I have to admit though, that I still need help. I still need support. I still need a shoulder to lean on. I still cry. I would have thought after this many years that the tears would have dried up by now....there must be none left...I've cried enough to fill an ocean I'm sure.
There's always some left. Always.
I will always need help. I will always need support. I will always need that shoulder to lean on. Just because I have been doing this for so long doesn't mean that I am strong...it doesn't mean that I have it all together...it doesn't mean that I am not affected by the tremendous amount of pressure that comes with keeping my child alive every day. Just because I have been doing this for this many years, doesn't mean that I can stand in the face of diabetes and win every stare down. I lose sometimes.....hell, I lose a lot of the time.
The only thing I think that is different is that I have acquired the ability to keep going...and know in my heart that I can do it. Time has taught me that much. I can do it...even when I feel like it's just not possible.
I feel like this too. I have to take care of my Type 1 disabled husband who has vision impairment and nerve damage and people thing "they have this. they are good to go" but some days, we don't. Some days we cry together, order a pizza, and cry ourselves to sleep. Not often, but those days never fully go away. But the important part is there are more good days then bad :)
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