Do you want to know what I like about the tough times with diabetes? I like that they make me stronger.
Sure, while I am in the midst of the chaos and the fear and the worry over low blood sugars that just won't seem to come back up....it hurts...it makes me feel defeated and broken and like a failure. It makes me feel like I am not in control of the situation and like I'm all alone....full of despair and exhaustion. I walk away from a night of battling stubborn high blood sugars that came out of nowhere...feeling like I have just gone 5 rounds in the ring with Mike Tyson. The difficult times with diabetes make me feel like there is no chance I could ever win...like I'm fooling myself for even thinking that I can do this...like my daughter should consider herself lucky that she has made it this many years with me at the controls of her pancreatic function. When I am standing there dumbfounded at the blood sugar number pattern that resembles a roller coaster ride from hell, I feel like I am not smart enough to decipher the numbers...the ratios...the basal rates. The numbers swirling around my head in that moment feel like a tornado rip roaring through my poor tired brain and I'm left to wait it out...gripping my metaphorical flashlight of patient reality...biding my time...waiting for the dust to settle so I can see clearly again.
When all is said and done...and we make it through the storm...I'm amazed at the strength that I feel. I'm amazed at the sense of self pride that I get. I sit here and look back over my shoulder for just a moment and smile...because I did it...I held my flashlight and I carried my extra sweet girl upon my back as we weathered the storm...and we made it.
Diabetes is not a game. It's not easy. It's not for the faint of heart. For as much as I hate this disease, I can't deny the fact that it has made me a better person.....a stronger person. Being a d-mom is not just about putting on a brave face and making it look easy. It's about falling down flat on your face...broken and defeated...and realizing that your true purpose lies within that moment. Being a d-mom is about accepting the things that you can not change...and being able to keep going. It's about letting the tears fall during your darkest hour...and knowing that it's a moment in time that will make you stronger than you were before.
Diabetes makes me feel strong...and for that I am greatful.
Feeling empowered at the end of the testing week...not smooth sailing, but lots of good lessons learned!
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