Halloween...Batgirl saves the world!

This weekend is definitely going to be a busy one for us, but I am looking forward to it! Emma got to wear her Halloween costume to school today and they will all be celebrating and playing games and making crafts all day. Tomorrow she has her piano lesson and a Halloween birthday party for her friend..and then of course Sunday is the big day for trick or treating! I remember back to our first trick or treating with diabetes. I was so nervous that she would go low and something bad would happen while we were out walking around to the houses. I kept having these visions in my head of Emma dropping so low and having a seizure in the middle of the street with all of these kids dressed up in their costumes surrounding her. Me freaking out and panicking trying to give her glucagon and the whole deal...UGH! Needless to say, like usual I let my imagination run wild and absolutely nothing like that happened. She was a bit low...but that was it. At that point I decided that Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday for diabetes! If she is low, just send her up to the next house to say trick or treat and there ya go! Eat whatever you get right away and you're set! It is the only day of the year where I DON'T have to worry about bringing along something for her to eat or drink if she's low...it's awesome...i love it! Well, last year she was the complete opposite...high blood sugars the whole time we were out there. Nothing like giving a correction needle while standing in some random persons driveway in the dark! Ahh the things we do to deal with the annoyance of diabetes! So, I am curious to see what will happen this Halloween...will she be high? will she be low? or will we stay right in the middle and have perfect numbers? I think the last option will happen...it's just the law of averages or something...lol..it makes sense! Anyway, I also wanted to point out that I am greatful for so many things today. I am so greatful that my daughter is healthy enough to go trick or treating. I'm greatful that she is healthy enough to enjoy one of the most special and memorable days of childhood. She's not stuck in some hospital somewhere...she's not sick in bed...she's just another 6 year old kid who is SO excited to enjoy Halloween that she can barely contain herself. Yes she may have diabetes...no one would ever know it by just looking at her...but that doesn't matter! When she walks up to that door and rings the bell and yells TRICK OR TREAT!...she is just like all of the other kids out there. No one will know she is diabetic...no one will comment on how she can't eat the candy because she is diabetic...no one will treat her any differently than any of the other kids. For just this one day...she is exactly like everyone else! Actually...correct that...she is BATGIRL....the awesome superhero out to save the world one house at a time and maybe eat some peanut butter cups along the way...:o) Saving the world is a tough job though! She deserves it and I am so excited and happy for her to have this day. This is one more important part of just BEING A KID that can't be taken from us....and for that, i am forever greatful.

To BELIEVE or not to believe

Do you ever feel like this is all just a big waste of time? Like there will never be a cure for diabetes? Or like maybe some scientist in some lab somewhere has actually already found a cure and someone is forcing it to be kept from the public? Do you ever feel like this is all just a big joke...except no one dealing with it every day is really laughing? I do. I feel like this sometimes. Like maybe there is some idiot making ridiculous amounts of money off of there NOT being a cure...and he's not quite ready to let that money go yet. I know people always say...no no no, if there was a cure they would have to tell us. Well, sometimes I think that I am just becoming more and more cynical in my old age. I feel like someone is dangling that proverbial carrot in front of my nose telling me that a cure is just around the corner. I want to believe it with all of my heart and soul. Of course I want to be able to give my daughter her childhood back...but sometimes I just can't find the faith to believe it any more. Sometimes I feel like I am at that point where i should just make the decision to keep the faith alive and keep believing that a cure will come in her lifetime....or i should just accept the reality as it is right now and realize that the odds of that happening are not very good. One nugget of wisdom that my Dad has passed on to me when I was younger is that if you don't have any expectations of people, you will never be disappointed. I want to believe that a cure is near...i want it so bad that i can taste it. But I am so beyond sick of being disappointed by diabetes and all that it entails, that i feel like i should just not expect it anymore. I feel though that if i make that conscious decision in my head to just not expect a cure...that a big part of my faith in people and faith in the world actually being a fair and good and honest place will die forever. I don't want to be a bitter old woman who is mad at the world for not helping my daughter. I don't want to be angry and mad at the system. I don't want to carry around the weight of that on my shoulders for the rest of my life. But I get so tired sometimes....a LOT of the time actually. The weight gets to be so much that i feel like i can't take it anymore. I feel like it has pushed me down to the ground and i am forced to crawl along on my hands and knees while carrying the weight of diabetes...looking for that light and hope and faith in a cure. It's hard. Maybe one day I will buckle under that weight and make a decision to just accept that a cure isn't there. I wonder if life would be any easier that way? For now though, I guess that i am either still too naive...or maybe just too stubborn to give up that faith and hope. I guess being stubborn can be a good thing sometimes.

Hard habit to break

I am finding something a little hard to deal with lately. Emma is a very sensitive kid...she is very sympathetic towards others and she is always looking to make someone feel better. These are all really good qualities to have I think...but it makes for difficult management of her blood sugar sometimes! For example, just this morning we had a little emotional problem. We drove past her friend Christopher's (from her class) house, and he was walking out his front door heading on his way to school too. We saw though that he had a cast on his foot...poor guy! Apparantly he fractured his ankle last night at the park and has to wear this cast for a couple weeks. My super sensitive daughter was so upset that as soon as she saw him when we drove by, she started crying! She said she felt so bad for him and was going to help him at every recess today if he needed it. AWWW! What a sweetheart she is! However, as her mom....correction...as the mom of a diabetic kid, i instantly think in my head..."oh no! please stop crying...don't get upset because it is going to make your blood sugar skyrocket!" I notice that since diabetes...since i have learned actually how her mood affects her blood sugar, i tend to react differently when she gets upset. I wish that I could just put it all out of my head and just comfort her and hug her and tell her it's ok. But instead, i instantly go to trying to make the upset feeling go away so it doesn't affect her blood sugars. I need to get my head around that before I mess her up permamently I think. I need to just let her be emotional or cry if she needs to...I need to let her express that feeling and get it out. I'm always scared that I am teaching her bad behavior that is going to make her need therapy when she's my age...lolol. I don't want her to think that she isn't allowed to cry or be upset or angry about things. I wonder if I am alone in this dilemma sometimes. On the surface it seems like such a small simple thing to worry about...it seems like such an easy fix...such a ridiculous thing to be concerned with. Why do I let it take up space in my head? It's hard to change a pattern of thinking that has actually turned into a habit I guess. I talk big and make it seem like diabetes doesn't define my daughter...it doesn't define our lives. In reality, I suppose that like it or not...diabetes really does play a part in almost every aspect of our lives...every decision, every occurance, everything. It's always a factor in deciding how I handle things when it comes to my daughter. I wish that I could just remember to always put Emma first...her feelings first, instead of considering the diabetes factor first. I need to remember that she is only 6 years old...she is just a little girl who needs to be consoled instead of trying to just stop the tears as quickly as possible so blood sugars aren't affected. I don't want to sound like I just ignore her and don't comfort her or help her....because that is definitely not the case. I always do that...I always hug her and console her and try to make things better because I love her more than anything. I just want to stop instantly thinking of the diabetes aspect of it first. It's a hard thing for me to do....but I'm trying to change my behaviour...i'm trying to start a new pattern. I'm trying to be a better mom and make sure that i don't totally and completely mess her up by the time she's an adult! I hope I can do it and I hope that she turns out alright...only time will tell I suppose.

Free Fallin

here is a random poem i just wrote...

Leaves cover the ground like quiltwork
Familiar and simple
Normal and calm.
Every image and every colour warm and comforting
until a cold and bitter breeze blows and the leaves lift off
twirling and spinning
flying in chaos.
Uncertain and scary
worried and unknown.
Try with all of my heart to gather them back up again
into a neat little pile.
Hold on to your hand as tight as I can and jump in
just to watch them fly again.
brilliant colours
beautiful like you
i promise to never let go

The Facts of Life for me

I love when you start your day just like normal...just like every other day...going about your usual routine...and then something happens to change your perspective on things. I am a big believer in the concept of everything happens for a reason. Life is all about karma and balance. You take the good, you take the bad, and there you have the facts of life...the facts of life!!! lololol...sorry...that just sort of slipped out on me. Cut me some slack though, I grew up in the 80's watching "Family Ties", "Facts of Life", and "Different Strokes." Anyway, to get back to the topic at hand...I think we all get stuck in our usual day to day routines. I could be wrong, but i think this applies more so to families of diabetics as well. Wake up, needles, blood sugars, eat, dressed, school, etc. At times it seems like one continuous cycle repeated over and over again. Well, this routine is what I was following today up until I took Emma to school this morning. I was talking to another mom there and she started telling me about some personal problems she was going through. I felt so bad for her and her children and I offered to help in any way I could. After talking for a bit, we parted ways and drove away from the school. It got me thinking though that you never really know what is truly going on for people. We are all pretty good at putting on that smile and brave face and acting like everything is ok, when really it is the complete opposite. I wish that the world wasn't that way...I wish that more people would be there for others. I wish that everyone actually honestly cared about others and wanted the best for them. The world is a pretty jaded place and we tend to focus on only our little bubble in life. Maybe it is just the eternal hippie attitude coming out in me...but I just don't understand why or when people stopped caring about others. Is it really so hard to give someone 2 minutes out of your day to just be there to listen to them and offer support? A smile? A hug? It baffles me how most people out there in the big bad world could really care less about any one except themselves. I guess because I am not wired that way. I can't just look the other way when I see someone being treated unfairly...I can't turn off the urge to help someone or be there for someone if they need me. Like I have said before, since diabetes came into our lives I have met more than my fair share of ignorant people....but on the flip side of that coin, I have also met some of the most kind and caring and truly GOOD people too. Sympathy and understanding and support are 3 very important things. I wish more people in the world knew how to display those 3 things...the world would be a much better place for my daughter to grow up in.

My worst nightmare

A couple of days ago I heard on Facebook of a family who lost their 13 year old daughter to diabetes. I have no words to describe how heartbreaking that is and how sad I feel for that family. I guess that they said their goodnights and off to bed she went perfectly fine. The next morning she was found...gone forever. This is my worst nightmare...the sole reason why I never sleep. Every morning when the alarm goes off, I get up and walk over to Emma's room to wake her up for school or whatever. Every single time I step into her room I hold my breath for a second...my heart skips a beat...and then I see her stir or wake up and I can relax for another morning. I don't know how to describe the sheer panic that washes over me for that split second before I see that she is ok. It is paralyzing...its awful...i hate it. I hate that it is how many of us start our mornings. It drives me nuts that there are people out there who just think that diabetes is only about the food we eat. Every time I hear "just don't let her eat any sugar anymore...she will be fine!"...it makes me want to scream. I think the general public is greatly uninformed about all that diabetes entails. I suppose it's not their fault...but at the same time it doesn't make it any less maddening for me to come across this ignorance. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost Emma. I know people always say that and it has become sort of a cliche. I honestly think i would die without her...my heart would crumble...I couldn't continue without my girl. She is the reason why i wake up in the morning...the reason why i stay up all hours of the night...she makes me laugh that special kind of laugh that comes right from your toes and takes your breath away...she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen...I look at her sometimes and I can't even believe that she came from me. I can't believe that such an amazing being came from me. She hasn't let diabetes run her life...she is kind and caring and even at 6 years old, has the ability to think past herself...considers others feelings. She is a good friend. I don't know what I did to deserve someone as special as her...but to say I am greatful just doesn't seem like enough.
My heart aches for that little girl's mother...I hope that she will find strength somehow some way in the days and weeks to follow. I hope that she is able to put her heart back together again. I hope that she will be ok. I hope that she is a stronger woman than I am.

zero confidence...

I have a lot of random thoughts running around in my brain at the moment...so i think it's time to dump them all out on here again...lol. First, I had a really bad day yesterday. I have come across my fair share of ignorant and rude people in life...and especially in the past two years of dealing with diabetes. Well, for some reason it always shocks me when that ignorant person turns out to be someone in the medical profession. I have zero confidence in any of them anymore. I guess I am just naive still...but any time I come in contact with a doctor, nurse, or whatever...I always had some sort of glimmer of hope that they will have a bit of knowledge and will be able to understand all that goes along with diabetes. A LOT of the times I am wrong about that. I've come into contact with an ER nurse who told me all i needed to know was the amount of CALORIES in the giant freezie she was giving my sick daughter and that she would NOT need a needle for eating it at all. She said I did not need to pay any attention to the carbs in it....nice....yea...did I mention that she was an ER NURSE? sheesh! When Emma was diagnosed, our very own pediatrician told me that I needed to take the TV out of Emma's bedroom and stop letting her watch it at bedtime before she falls asleep because it would cause her to do poorly in school and she would fall behind the rest of her class. I think the next time I see him I will mention that her teacher told me she is reading at a grade 4 level now...see what he thinks about that one seeing as how she still has a TV in her room. Yesterday I came into contact with an eye doctor who told me that i was ridiculous in thinking that stress or anxiety will affect my diabetic daughter's blood sugar. Yea apparantly he knew a lot of things about diabetes...and i have just been a complete idiot these past two years...it's pure luck that my daughter has survived this long i suppose. It is so exhausting sometimes to have to put up with people like this. I mean on top of all of the other stuff I have to do on a daily basis to manage her diabetes...i am forced to educate someone who has the title "Dr." in their name? Trying to explain things about diabetes to someone like that is like trying to teach my cat to meow on command. It's like trying to teach our fish to doggy-paddle. Or like trying to teach my husband that the dishes do not in fact wash themselves. Ugh....is all I can say...

just give the cat a juicebox

For some reason it seems like this month there are so many things that need to be done and/or paid for. New winter coat and snowpants because a certain little girl is growing too quickly and I can't keep up. New winter hat and mits cause we all know that they just get up and walk away when no one is looking so you wind up with random mismatched sets of mits. I wonder if they meet up with that illusive sock that disappears from the dryer sometimes. I bet they do...I bet there is some club somewhere for lone mits and lone socks to meet up and mingle and laugh at how they have foiled us all once again! Anyway, I seem to have gotten off topic rather quickly here...must need another cup of coffee. So, including having to get all new winter gear for Emma...we also have school trips to pay for, birthday presents to buy for friend's birthday parties, piano lessons, and the cat needs to go in for her annual needles. I know I shouldn't be complaining because everyone has expenses...it's one of the more joyous parts of life. Well, I was telling Emma about all of this on the way to school this morning because she is famous for always wanting me to buy her a treat or a "little somethin somethin" from the store while she is at school. I had to chuckle because her solution to avoiding the expense of the cat's needles was to just give Daisy (the cat) one of Emma's needles of insulin! Nice...i think she believes that ANY needle that anyone ever gets is an insulin needle. lolol! I then had to explain that no...that is not the case and no i couldn't give Daisy insulin because she's not diabetic and that needle would make her blood sugar drop and she could die. I couldn't very well force the cat to drink a juicebox to bring her blood sugar back up again! So, Emma said that I should just make her eat of bunch of her cat food to bring it back up....I had to explain that I didn't know how many carbs were in cat food...so i wouldn't know how much to give her and for that matter I wouldn't know how to force her to eat it at that! Emma suggested that I phone Nicole, our dietician to ask her how many carbs are in cat food....lolol. Ahh...i hope I never forget all of the random discussions Emma and I have about such odd things at such odd times! I hope when i am old and gray I will remember days like these so I can sit down in my rocker with my mismatched socks on and tell my grandkids about how nutty their mom was when she was little.
On a side note I just want to mention that we got our cat Daisy a couple of days after Emma was diagnosed with diabetes. Daisy is in fact a boy cat. Emma wanted for it to be a girl cat, so she decided to declare it to be...just because she said so. She named it Daisy. We got it neutered at the appropriate time...which was slightly odd/funny filling out the paperwork at the vet having to say that it's a boy cat named Daisy! In any case...when we brought Daisy home after her (his?) surgery, Emma told us that Daisy was now "officially a girl because she got her wagon fixed at the doctor!" lolol...ahhh good thing the vet knew how to "fix her wagon." I think my cat needs therapy for identity confusion...

Life balance and Betty White

This morning as Emma was eating breakfast, I gave her her lantus needle. When I was done, I stood up to walk back in the kitchen and put everything away...and Emma said to me "Nice doing business with you mommy!" lololol....I love the sense of humor on her. Other times when I give her a needle, she will act like she is a robot and I am powering her back up again. She is an awesome kid and quite possibly the funniest person I know. I am a firm believer in the world of balance. I am so beyond greatful that my daughter is as smart and as funny as she is. She is a truly kind hearted kid and is very compassionate and thoughtful of others feelings. Diabetes is a part of her...but it does not define her. That is a hard thing to teach someone. I try to look at things from her perspective some times. How does she see herself? She hears about diabetes and all things related to it every single day from the minute she wakes up and comes downstairs for breakfast..to the minute she falls asleep at night. Does she really know how serious it can be? Does she know that she could die from it? I know it isn't the ONLY thing we talk about all day...but it sure comes up pretty often. I wonder if she knows that it doesn't define her...she isn't just the "Emma with diabetes." I am never sure of how to really balance out the amount of diabetes knowledge i should be giving her...on one hand i want to just do it all for her all the time because i want her to just be a kid and not think of it at all. On the other hand, i want her to know as much as she can so she will be that much more capable of taking care of herself when she is older. I don't want her to get burnt out with it at a young age and then run in to problems of her not checking blood sugars or giving needles because she just is sick of it and doesn't want to do it. It's a fine line to walk...and a hard balance to find. Sometimes I wish there was a manual to tell me what I should be doing. "The Complete Guide to Raising Emma". I would totally buy that one. I might even get the books on tape for it. Audiobook "The Complete Guide to Raising Emma" as read by Betty White.  Do they even make audiotapes anymore? Anyway, life with diabetes is funny...and I'm glad that for now Emma and I have a good "business" relationship going....lol.

I blame myself

We have had one hell of a day today...UGH! Saturdays are always busy because in the mornings Emma has piano lessons and in the afternoon she has a 2 hr long gymnastics class. Well, when we pulled in the parking lot of gymnastics I checked her blood sugar before we went in and she was 19...so I gave her an extra needle to correct it and off we went. Well, I knew that the activity of gymnastics would bring her blood sugar down a bit...so I didn't give her a full correction according to my chart. Half way thru the class they have a break and eat a snack...i checked her at that time and she was down to 13. I thought well, it's not perfect...but it will do for now because I don't want her going low during class. All went well for the remainder of class and we went home to get my husband and decided to go out for supper at King's Buffet. When we parked the car at the restaurant, Emma said to me "Mommy can you check me cause I think I'm low" Yes she was low in fact...she was only 2.3! awesome. I gave her juice to fix the low and off we went for supper. Well, now here I sit...thinking over the day...realizing it is totally and completely MY fault that she was low. We've been dealing with diabetes for over 2 years now...and that is one thing that I still can not get straight in my head. I know people make mistakes...i know i make a TON of them every day...but when it comes to my kid and her health...her life actually....UGH! I blame myself. It was me who gave her the needle. It was me who messed up. It was me who could have caused a serious problem resulting in her having a seizure or winding up in the hospital or even dying. I pushed the needle in her arm and I did it. I don't think the average person really grasps the amount of pressure that is. How can someone walk around day in and day out with that amount of pressure on them? How can a PARENT walk around with that amount of pressure and still be expected to function normally? I have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that my daughters actual life is in my hands on a daily basis. How can I as her mommy get that fact straight in my head? This 6 year old innocent, perfect, beautiful, smart girl came from me...and now every single friggin day i am responsible for keeping her body functioning as normal as possible. Sometimes the stress of that is so much that it makes me feel like i could explode. I know that mistakes happen...but I always wonder when and if the day will ever come that i make that stupid mistake and something terrifying and dangerous happens. How would I ever be able to live with myself? Diabetes is cruel. It's unfair. It is ceaseless and exhausting. I often wonder how God could make this happen to a kid. She's just a 6 year old kid who deserves to just be a kid. Why did all of this pressure and stress and crap have to be put in our lives? I once again am realizing that I ask myself too many questions that I know do not have an answer. I wish i had all the answers like I thought I did when I was a teenager....

Music and the path we walk...

I've always been a big fan of music. I love how listening to a certain song can bring you right back to where you were when you first heard it. Other songs you can just simply relate to instantly. It feels like the person who wrote the song climbed right in your head and wrote down all of your thoughts and feelings. Well, in my 33 years I have come across a few of those...One of them I heard on the radio today actually. It is "Fix You" by Coldplay. I wouldn't call myself a major fan of Coldplay really...if one of their songs comes on the radio, I will listen to it. Well, the first time I heard "Fix You" I felt it...instantly burst out crying. It wasn't that long after Emma was diagnosed and this song just went right through me. Here are some of the lyrics:

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse....."
"Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I....
Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

It just got to me...i felt like i was trying my very best and i had failed my daughter. I was always coming at her with needles and for the first 3 months she would scream and cry like i've never heard her do before. It felt like she was looking at me to fix this and stop hurting her and give the diabetes a kiss to make it all go away. I couldn't do that...i couldn't save her...i couldn't protect her...i felt like i was failing her as her mommy...all i was doing was hurting her and causing her pain. So, when I heard that song...i felt it...i just wanted to fix her. I wanted to fix what was no longer working. Looking back on those first few months now, I see how different I am. Yes without a doubt in the world I still want to fix her...that will never change. I was so naive though...that mommy hadn't yet seen the true pain of diabetes. The sheer panic of sick days and lows and ketones and everything else that goes along with it. That mommy didn't yet know the patience she would need and the true stress she would have to endure. That mommy didn't yet know what sleepless nights were really like. It makes me sad sometimes to think of that snapshot of my life...sad because i WAS so naive...ignorance is bliss...lol. I do look back though and see how many steps we've actually walked on this journey...how many obstacles we've made it over...how many pebbles of diabetes knowledge I've picked up along the path and now keep in my back pocket. I'm proud of us. I'm proud of ME.
So now when I hear songs like "Fix You", i let myself go back in that moment in the past for just a little bit. But then i move on and keep walking down our path. I can't wait to see what's around the bend....i'm hoping it's a cure.

Looking over the edge of the cliff

Seeing as how the holidays are coming up...i've decided to try and find some extra work to make some money to help out Santa with his expenses. I have experience in office work, computers, phones, etc. and I also did some house cleaning. I seriously do not know how parents of diabetic kids are able to find work though! I have found one house to clean..but that is only because it is a friend of mine actually. I wish that employers had a bit more understanding when it comes to things like having to leave for an hour during the day to get Emma for lunch and give her insulin. I guess it makes sense why they wouldn't really want to hire someone with so much baggage though. Yet another thing that diabetes has taken from me! Like I said before...it really is the gift that keeps on giving...er..i should say TAKING actually! I guess I am just in one of those "poor me...i friggin hate diabetes" days today. It really makes me wonder what i did in a past life though...i must have been a real jerk to have karma come and bite me this time around. People always say to me..."you know it could be worse! she could have had cancer!" Which ok...i agree...it could have been much much worse. But I honestly don't think most people really truly get how much diabetes takes from a family! It's constantly there...wake up in the morning...its there...every meal...its there...every activity..there..every illness..there..school, working, holidays, sleeping, EVERYTHING...it's there!! You can never escape it, never get away from it, never forget about it...it really makes me feel like i am on the edge of the cliff looking over into insanity sometimes. Do i take a step back and sit down and live in the chaos and unfairness? Or does a strong breeze come by and push me over into the loony bin? Most days I sit down and live in the muddled mess of diabetes because i don't have a choice...i would do anything for my daughter...i would die for her. However...there are definitely some days where i wish for that breeze to come by so I can just live in la la land and forget all about diabetes and how much it has taken from us. I must sound really unstable for saying all of this...in a sense i suppose some of my sanity and stability was taken on june 26, 2008 when Emma was diagnosed. I'm ok though...so don't worry if you are reading this mom...lol. I just needed to get this all out of my head because i am frustrated and would like to be able to make some extra money. And I'm tired.

Elasti-Girl Amy

I know I already posted something today...but i feel the need to write about something else now too. Lately I am feeling like I am being pulled in a million different directions. I know everyone is busy these days and everyone always says how there aren't enough hours in the day...and I am not saying that I have it any worse off than any one else. I just feel like elasti-girl sometimes...i have all of these different things pulling me in all of these different directions and they are all important and they all need to be done now. Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs in general...add being a mom to a diabetic into the mix and it is quite a different recipe. Not only do we get the usual mommy duties of cooking, cleaning, bathing, taking to school, helping with homework, taxi driver for gymnastics, piano, etc...but we also get the duties of doctor, nurse, dietician, psychologist, educator and advocate for our kids health, etc. Don't get me wrong, I do love doing MOST of the things i do every day....but a lot of the time i just feel burnt out. I feel stretched out as far as I can go. Sometimes I feel like I just don't have any more stretch left in me....one more thing or job or responsibility and it's all just going to snap like a rubber band. When I get to that point...like I did today...I kind of just erase everything piled up on the chalkboard in my mind. I sit there and laugh like a loon with my daughter...go outside and teach her how to do a cartwheel...lay on the living room floor with her and talk about silly things. All of these things help me and they are all nice things to do...even though I know that as soon as that moment is over, the list will begin to pile up on my chalkboard and my elasti-girl arms will start to be stretched out again. I hope we never run out of those silly moments that help me get by every now and again...

Ode to Diabetes

Ode to diabetes...

you make me think and worry non-stop
of blood sugar numbers that might drop.
i'd like to sleep all night through
instead of thinking about you.
So many needles and finger pokes,
sometimes i wonder if this is some cruel joke?
you make me mad and drive me nuts
i'd like to kick you in the butt.
you give me gray hairs and sleepless nights
i wanna tell you to go fly a kite!
at times you seem larger than us,
I wish you would get hit by a bus!
go away we don't want you here
we're tired of living in this fear.
i suck at rhyming so i am done
i hate you diabetes...you're no fun!

lolol...that was really cheesy...but i am super tired and have nothing else to say. sorry! i do love my weekday mornings to myself though. it's nice to have some free time to do whatever i want...even if it means writing stupid poems like i just did...lol.

Birthday Party Bonanza

Today I took Emma to a birthday party for a little boy from school. She had a blast and it was such a beautiful day out! I realized a couple of things though at this party that I thought I would share. First of all...this is the first bday party she's been to since grade 1 started. The kids are all a bit older and parents are starting to not stay with their kids at the party like they did in kindergarten. All the parents except for ME I should say. The parents of the birthday child are always very nice and always appreciate the extra set of hands to help out with all of the kids. I can't help but wonder though how long before Emma gets annoyed with me being there? How long before she gets embarassed with me being there? How long before she starts to resent diabetes because she is the only one who's mom is there? How long before she really clues in to the fact that she IS different from the rest of her friends because of her diabetes? Up until now it hasn't really come into play because she was still young enough not to care and her friends never really saw anything as being different. I know she still doesn't really care that I am there...but I can honestly hear the ticking clock on that one and time is almost up. I am very jealous of all of those parents who walked up to the house with their kids and just kissed them, said the typical "be good! I will see you soon!", and turned around...got in their cars...and drove away. I'm jealous that they got to either run some errands or just go home and not think twice about if their kid was ok or not. I don't like being jealous. I'm not really a jealous person at all. This kind of jealously bothers me though...it's like a deep ache in my gut that won't go away. An ache for how my life and my daughter's life COULD have been. I don't really have more to say about that one cause it honestly hurts to much at the moment.
The other thing I came across at the party was much cuter and so sweet! Towards the end of the party, the kids were all in the basement dancing to some fun fast dance music. Actually all of the BOYS were dancing and the 4 GIRLS were all sitting on the couch watching them...lol. Then the bday boys dad put on a slow song and teasingly told the boys that they should invite a girl to dance! Well, the boy that Emma has a crush on walked right up to her and asked her to dance...:o) HOW SWEET! That was one nice thing about being the mom of the diabetic kid staying at the party...getting to witness that moment in my daughters life...lol. Ahh...to be 6 years old again!

barbies vs. DNA experiments

So I just looked on here and in less than a month I have had over 300 views of my little blog here. WOW! When I write these, I never really think that anyone will read them...i just like to get it all out of my head so I can think straight again. I really appreciate the fact that you all are taking the time to read my ramblings. I hope that at least something I've babbled on about has been something that you could relate to. That's one thing I've learned since diabetes...it's so comforting to know that you aren't alone out there.
Anyway, I just wanted to take a minute today to talk about how most of the diabetic kids that I have met (my daughter included) seem to be a lot more mature than non-diabetic kids. I haven't quite decided yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing in the case of my daughter. On the one hand, it's nice because I feel like I can trust her to be a bit more responsible than I normally would have. However, the maturity level also brings some scary things into our household. Emma loves to wear makeup and walk around pretending she is a model...which is all fine and good and honestly makes me laugh. But I do often wonder if this is a normal 6 yr old girl thing or if this is because she has had to go thru a lot more 'grownup' things because of diabetes and has a more mature aspect to her behaviour? She also has taken to making her own 'science DNA experiments' in the front yard...not sure how it all works, but it involves dirt, water, leaves, sticks, and sometimes a blood sugar test strip...lol. Sometimes I forget that I am actually talking to someone who is only 6...because she has such a huge vocabulary and understands things and words just as well as someone my own age. She has told me that she wants me to start giving her a 'word of the day' and it has to be a BIG word...so we started off yesterday with 'preferences' and today is 'determination'. I think this is an awesome idea...and of course I am going to do it for her...but in the back of my mind I wonder, why is it that my daughter doesn't just want to be playing barbies and sing the alphabet song? I know that she is a smart girl and I am glad that she is the way she is....believe me i wouldn't have it any other way and I am so proud of her! I'm just curious though if part or all of the reason why she is so mature and seems beyond her years is in fact because of diabetes? I don't know...i think i ask myself too many questions that I know will not have an answer. I just hope that I am smart enough to be able to challenge her and make sure she isn't bored. In the meantime, i guess there's no harm in becoming 'models' and talking about photosynthesis with my kid...lolol

not just your average dietician

I just want to talk about how lucky I am to have met Nicole our dietician at the hospital. I remember the day Emma was diagnosed and how overwhelming it was with all of the information they threw at us. I never thought I would be able to remember everything I was supposed to know to take care of my daughter and her diabetes. Nicole took the time to write out a timeline for me of what I needed to do everyday. Nicole has definitely been there for us more than any other person really. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She has gone above and beyond so many times for us and I hope that she knows how greatful I am. Not only has she answered all of my random questions about diabetes like how many carbs are in a santa claus melon...but she has also been there to help me figure out Emma's blood sugar patterns and change ratios when needed. She is always there for us. When Emma was sick and admitted to the hospital back in May, Nicole came to visit her in the ER and brought Emma a stuffed toy, some crayons, and pictures to color. She stayed with me for a while and just talked. Anytime I have ever been frustrated or worried about Emma's health in the future and wondering if I am doing all that I should be doing to make sure she is healthy, Nicole always puts it back into perspective for me and makes me feel better. Emma adores her as well. She talks to Emma like she is a person...not just another kid sitting there. I love that Emma has her to relate to because she was diagnosed at 4 as well. She is a great role model for Emma. I don't know that she even realizes how amazing she is.
I think that things happen for a reason. We meet people for a reason. As horrible as diabetes is...I know that I never would have met Nicole otherwise. I am greatful for that. I am greatful to have met someone so caring, understanding, funny, and positive. Living in this crazy world of diabetes, it is comforting to know that my daughter and I will always have someone like Nicole to count on. I hope that one day I can find the right words to explain to her how much she means to us.

grade 1 cashier

I remember when i was a little kid in 1st grade, our teacher asked each of us to draw a picture of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I drew a picture of a teacher. I thought that it would be the greatest job because going to school was so much fun anyway...and to be the teacher meant that you got to write on the chalkboard and do all the extra cool fun stuff. Well, it's obvious that in fact I am not a teacher in the traditional sense of the word. I suppose I do "teach" my daughter and try to show her how to be a good person. I think she is doing pretty good so far...so I am happy about that. I sometimes wonder though what it would be like to be able to lead a "normal" life and have been able to go back to college and gotten a good job and not have had to worry about who would watch emma or who would take care of her diabetes. I sometimes feel like that part of the "normal" world was ripped from me unfairly. I know I know...life's not fair...and I have accepted that. I can't help but wonder though! Raising a child is one of the most important jobs in the world and I am so honored to be able to be that person for Emma. I just hope that one day she will be proud of me even though I didn't do the "normal" thing of going to work and earning a paycheck or being a teacher or doctor or nurse or whatever. I hope that she will think I did a good job teaching her. I hope that she won't think that i failed in life because i never made a great impact in the working world. I guess I just want her to be proud of her mom and grow up knowing that she can be anything she wants and do anything she wants.
I also remember one boy in my 1st grade class that drew a picture of a grocery store cashier for what he wanted to be when he grew up. Putting myself back in the mindset of being 6, I can totally understand why he would want to be a cashier. It would be pretty cool to push all those buttons on the cash register. Well, my teacher actually told him that was a silly thing to be and she made him draw a picture of a football player instead. The little boy told her he wanted to be a cashier, because that's what his mom was. I don't know why I still remember that...but I do. I hope that Emma knows that even if she only wants to be a cashier when she grows up...i will be there to support her.

don't rock the boat baby!

I always knew that when Emma started Grade 1 her blood sugar numbers would be better and more consistant just because of the regular routine of going to school every day all day. I am totally loving it! When her blood sugars are good and where they are supposed to be, it's like I have my old kid back again. She's in a great mood...she is even more funny than she normally is...she has lots of energy...it's just awesome. I am definitely hoping that I am not jinxing things by talking about this though...lolol. Lately I have come across a lot of people who are either in the process of starting or have just started their child on the insulin pump. For a while now (2 years to be exact), I have gone over it in my head and thought about the pump and Emma. At the moment she is afraid of the needle used to insert the pump and has told me that she doesn't want to get one until she's like 8 or 9. I am ok with that because I feel that I shouldn't pressure her or force her to do something to her body that she isn't ready to do. I feel like it should be her decision first and then my decision. Maybe I am just stubborn, but i know that I personally would not be ok with someone telling me that i HAD to have something attached to my body all the time if I wasn't ready for it. She is only 6 years old and the reality of it is that she will have to deal with this stupid disease for many many years to come until a cure is actually found. I don't really see the benefit in forcing her to do something.
On the other hand, I do think that it is fantastic that all of these people we know have made the decision to go on a pump. It is a wonderful device that will probably bring better blood sugars in the long run and I say kudos to whoever is able to do it! I've heard that it's like starting all over again for the first little while...and i think it is just amazing that people find the strength to do that again. If the day comes where Emma says to me that she is ready and wants to do the pump now...i will of course do it for her! Until then I think we aren't doing too shabby though. I'm proud of us actually. I am starting to feel a little "left out" though...like we are the odd ones out because Emma is in fact not ready for it. Patience is something that goes hand in hand with diabetes though and I know the older she gets...the more things will change...and hopefully for the better. So, for now...i say if it ain't broke, don't fix it! I don't want to rock the boat...and other assorted cliches...lolol

Sparkly eyes club

I'm starting to realize that this blog is quickly becoming like a little therapy session for me. Well, I have quite a lot swarming around in my head at the moment and i think I will dump it all out here again. Today Emma and I went to our first diabetes playgroup and we had a fantastic time. It was really great to meet other families dealing with diabetes and Emma had a blast playing with all the kids. As I was sitting there though, I couldn't help but think how strange it all is. How odd it was that there i was sitting in someone's living room that I had never met in person before. How odd it was that this one specific thing brings us together. How we all have this strange connection and bond of complete understanding and sympathy. Diabetes is an odd thing sometimes. We have really met some amazing people over these past 2 years of dealing with diabetes. It sort of makes me feel like we are all part of a club...none of us signed up to become members, but here we all are paying our dues on a daily basis! I don't know if any of you reading this have ever noticed this...but whenever i meet a fellow diabetic parent or diabetic themselves, they all have this same spark in their eye. They say the eyes are the window into your soul...and I really believe that. Someone dealing with diabetes every day seems to have this spark in their eye...it shows the rest of the world their fight, their pain, their hope, anger, sadness, fierce love and protection for their child. That spark is always there. I often wonder what my life would be like if Emma had never been diagnosed. Would she and I still have the same closeness we have now? Would I still feel the same compassion that I do for others struggling? Would I be as understanding or patient? I guess I will never know the answers. In the meantime, I suppose I will just keep on keeping on and hope that my spark stays strong and bright.