So I was reading some posts on Facebook yesterday and i came across a status update from the wonderful Meri Shuhmacher. She had posted something along the lines of "You know you're a D-Mom when you are carrying your house phone in one hand and your cell phone in the other when you go out to get the mail. I had to giggle at this because how true that statement really is. I found myself smiling at all of the comments that followed...all of the other D-parents that said they did the same thing.
It got me thinking, sure we all know that we are out there...bolusing our kids, poking their fingers to check blood sugars, counting carbs, and jabbing them with needles day in and day out. We know we are not alone. We know that there are countless others doing the exact same things every single day. It's sad and yet at the same time, very comforting. After reading this post from Meri though, it made me realize that we also do so many other things the same. We carry our phones around with us all day long as we anticipate (and yet hope against hope that it doesn't occur!) a phone call from our kid's school or daycare to tell us of a problem blood sugar...a scary low...or a stubborn high. You can pretty much guarantee that when you are walking upstairs to your child's room in the middle of the night, that there is another D-parent somewhere in the world doing the exact same thing at the exact same time. When you find yourself strapping your phone (set to vibrate) on your body somewhere just so you can vaccuum and feel confident that you will feel it ring, you can find comfort in knowing that someone else somewhere in the world is probably doing the same thing too. When you find yourself sticking your head out of the shower curtain in the bathroom just to listen a little closer and reassure yourself that that wasn't just the phone ringing....and then shaking your head and scolding yourself for being so paranoid when you see that it wasn't.....yep, you are not alone. When you are driving around town running errands and have your phone laying on your lap and the radio turned down slightly...just so you can be sure to hear that anticipated phone call, know that someone else is doing the same thing. When you have the number to the hospital diabetes clinic memorized, and yet you have to look through the contacts on your cell phone to find your neighbours phone number....you can pretty much guarantee that you have a child with diabetes living in your house. When you can glance at a food item on the grocery store shelf and instantly know the carb count.....and yet can not for the life of you remember if you did indeed put deodorant on this morning....the odds are good that you are a D-parent. When you find yourself cringing when your spouse mentions picking up a pizza on the way home for dinner....yep...D-parent.
There are so many things that we all do that are indirectly related to diabetes. It's not all about the bolusing and finger pokes. It's not the blood. It's not only the insulin ratios that bind us together. It's the in between moments. It's the little quirky things that we all do...that would make absolutely no sense to anyone else outside of this D-bubble....those are the things that bind us together....those are the things that connect us and make us realize that we are not alone. Those are the things that we can find comfort in in the middle of the night. Those are the things that can calm our worries and make us feel normal.
Thanks for your post, Meri.....it made me smile....and made me feel normal.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
No judgement
I think it's pretty amazing and special how children are so much more accepting of things than adults. At what point do we reach in our lives that forces us to become jaded, judgemental, or even discriminatory? Is it the events that occur in our personal lives that cause this to happen? Is it one particular moment or a series of them that flip the switch on that inner child and silence it? I think that a good portion of a parents day is dedicated to making sure that their children play nice with others, share, behave, and get along with their peers. We want to teach them to be these kind and caring individuals that play fair......and yet so many of us do not practice what we preach.
Over the past month or so, I have read things from people who have children that just astound me. One mother actually argued that she thought it was ridiculous for schools to ban peanuts "just because there is one child in the school with an allergy"....she said that it was unfair to the rest of them...they should be allowed to bring peanut butter sandwiches to school...the child with the allergy should just be taught to be more careful and not go near the kids eating peanut butter. Yea.....true story. This woman is a mother.
To say I was shocked and disappointed would be an understatement.
Today I went on a field trip with Emma and her school to a "Plowing Match"...lots of tractors, farm life, animals, etc. It was in a huge location outdoors and we were there for the entire school day. I was put in charge of Emma and two other girls from her class. We were all left to our own devices...to roam about as we pleased, eat when we wanted to, see what we wanted to....and just return to the exit in time to board the bus back to school at the end. The two girls that were with us have known Emma since she started junior kindergarten at school 4 years ago. They have seen countless needles, fingerpokes, and pump boluses. They know what Emma looks like and acts like when she is having a low blood sugar. They know that she needs to pause and step aside at certain times of the day to check her blood sugar. They know that she has to do all of these things....and they don't mind at all.
Think back to when you were 8 yrs old, if you were given free reign in an open field for the entire day....to run in the mud, play, do and see what you wanted.....would you want to stop for another kid just so she could check her blood sugar? I think it's pretty amazing that these kids who are growing up with Emma are not only learning right along with her...........but they are accepting it.....they are seeing it as a normal thing. It is just another part of the day for them and they do not see her as different or an annoyance because of the diabetes tasks she has to do every day. It's the way things are......it just IS.
I think we as parents need to take a step back and attempt to open that door that we have closed our inner child behind. We as role models need to practice what we preach and teach our kids through our actions as well as our words. We need to do this before our kids grow up and reach that point in their lives where they lose that inner child ability to accept things for what they are....and accept others for who they are no matter what life has thrown their way.
Over the past month or so, I have read things from people who have children that just astound me. One mother actually argued that she thought it was ridiculous for schools to ban peanuts "just because there is one child in the school with an allergy"....she said that it was unfair to the rest of them...they should be allowed to bring peanut butter sandwiches to school...the child with the allergy should just be taught to be more careful and not go near the kids eating peanut butter. Yea.....true story. This woman is a mother.
To say I was shocked and disappointed would be an understatement.
Today I went on a field trip with Emma and her school to a "Plowing Match"...lots of tractors, farm life, animals, etc. It was in a huge location outdoors and we were there for the entire school day. I was put in charge of Emma and two other girls from her class. We were all left to our own devices...to roam about as we pleased, eat when we wanted to, see what we wanted to....and just return to the exit in time to board the bus back to school at the end. The two girls that were with us have known Emma since she started junior kindergarten at school 4 years ago. They have seen countless needles, fingerpokes, and pump boluses. They know what Emma looks like and acts like when she is having a low blood sugar. They know that she needs to pause and step aside at certain times of the day to check her blood sugar. They know that she has to do all of these things....and they don't mind at all.
Think back to when you were 8 yrs old, if you were given free reign in an open field for the entire day....to run in the mud, play, do and see what you wanted.....would you want to stop for another kid just so she could check her blood sugar? I think it's pretty amazing that these kids who are growing up with Emma are not only learning right along with her...........but they are accepting it.....they are seeing it as a normal thing. It is just another part of the day for them and they do not see her as different or an annoyance because of the diabetes tasks she has to do every day. It's the way things are......it just IS.
I think we as parents need to take a step back and attempt to open that door that we have closed our inner child behind. We as role models need to practice what we preach and teach our kids through our actions as well as our words. We need to do this before our kids grow up and reach that point in their lives where they lose that inner child ability to accept things for what they are....and accept others for who they are no matter what life has thrown their way.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
You dirty rat
Sometimes diabetes is a rat bastard. You just need to learn to accept that fact and deal with it and figure out how to move on. People tell me all the time....it's just a number....just one number....deal with it and just move on to the next one. I tell myself the same thing all the time actually. However when you have been dealing with continuous lows that occur at the same time of day every day for going on the 3rd week now....and you have lowered her insulin dosages day after day after day to try and stop those lows...........well, it gets a little hard to remember that motto...it's NOT just a number...it's NOT just one occurance...one number...one low that you can deal with and move on to the next one. It keeps happening and it gets to the point of feeling like it is mocking you. It feels like you are failing. It feels like no matter what you do, it is not going to make any difference at all. It feels like you might as well just bang your useless head against the wall.
I try to be positive. I try to break it down and look at it as just one number...really I do. It's exhausting though. It's exhausting and it makes me want to curl up in the corner and wave the white flag of defeat and surrender....I give....you win diabetes....I'm not smart enough obviously and I will never get this figured out. I think one of the most frustrating things of all is the knowledge that I WILL eventually figure it out...I will do it...I just have to be patient...I just have to keep plugging along and do it...every day...every single frustrating moment....I just have to keep doing it.
It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't live this life what it feels like to drop your kid back off at school after lunch and know that they are low....know that you have shut her pump off for a while and given her extra carbs to bring it back up....but she's still teetering on the edge of that low. It's hard to explain to them and make them see that diabetes is a serious thing....a low blood sugar is a serious thing. it's hard to make them understand that when i kiss her goodbye and leave her on the playground for lunch recess...that it feels like a piece of my heart has been ripped out and in it's place there is an empty hole of fear....fear that her blood sugar will keep dropping...fear that she will pass out on the playground...fear that the playground supervisor will be distracted with the younger kids crying or the older kids fighting and not see my baby lying there in the grass convulsing from a seizure caused by a low blood sugar....fear that Emma will be so confused and so lost because that low blood sugar causes her thinking to become fuzzy and she won't know to speak up and tell someone that she is feeling that way....and then it will be too late and i will get that phone call to tell me she is on her way to the hospital...........because she is low........and because schools here in Ontario are not allowed to administer a glucagon shot to my child in an emergency low blood sugar situation. They aren't allowed to give her that life-saving shot....and yet they have no problems being able to give an epi-pen shot to a child with allergies. My diabetic child is on her own out there. She is 8 years old and on her own in the big bad world.....and it kills me.
It is a very real and very traumatic fear to walk around with everyday. After 4 years of living this d-life, I have gotten quite good at compartmentalizing that fear....stuffing it in a little box and shoving it way down deep....slapping a smile on my face and laughing as i go about my day. But there are still days like today, where i feel like I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole....grasping at the air around me and searching for some kind of hold on it....some kind of hope....some kind of real and honest belief that i will figure this out....i will do it. I WILL FIGURE IT OUT! I have to. She needs me to. I need to stop....breathe....and just do it.
I try to be positive. I try to break it down and look at it as just one number...really I do. It's exhausting though. It's exhausting and it makes me want to curl up in the corner and wave the white flag of defeat and surrender....I give....you win diabetes....I'm not smart enough obviously and I will never get this figured out. I think one of the most frustrating things of all is the knowledge that I WILL eventually figure it out...I will do it...I just have to be patient...I just have to keep plugging along and do it...every day...every single frustrating moment....I just have to keep doing it.
It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't live this life what it feels like to drop your kid back off at school after lunch and know that they are low....know that you have shut her pump off for a while and given her extra carbs to bring it back up....but she's still teetering on the edge of that low. It's hard to explain to them and make them see that diabetes is a serious thing....a low blood sugar is a serious thing. it's hard to make them understand that when i kiss her goodbye and leave her on the playground for lunch recess...that it feels like a piece of my heart has been ripped out and in it's place there is an empty hole of fear....fear that her blood sugar will keep dropping...fear that she will pass out on the playground...fear that the playground supervisor will be distracted with the younger kids crying or the older kids fighting and not see my baby lying there in the grass convulsing from a seizure caused by a low blood sugar....fear that Emma will be so confused and so lost because that low blood sugar causes her thinking to become fuzzy and she won't know to speak up and tell someone that she is feeling that way....and then it will be too late and i will get that phone call to tell me she is on her way to the hospital...........because she is low........and because schools here in Ontario are not allowed to administer a glucagon shot to my child in an emergency low blood sugar situation. They aren't allowed to give her that life-saving shot....and yet they have no problems being able to give an epi-pen shot to a child with allergies. My diabetic child is on her own out there. She is 8 years old and on her own in the big bad world.....and it kills me.
It is a very real and very traumatic fear to walk around with everyday. After 4 years of living this d-life, I have gotten quite good at compartmentalizing that fear....stuffing it in a little box and shoving it way down deep....slapping a smile on my face and laughing as i go about my day. But there are still days like today, where i feel like I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole....grasping at the air around me and searching for some kind of hold on it....some kind of hope....some kind of real and honest belief that i will figure this out....i will do it. I WILL FIGURE IT OUT! I have to. She needs me to. I need to stop....breathe....and just do it.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Just believe
You don't need much to make it in this life. You don't need to be a genius. You don't need to have a college degree in mathematics (although somedays I feel like it would certainly help a little!) You don't need to have nerves of steel and ice water running through your veins.
You want to know what you need to make it in this life with diabetes?
You need tenacity. You need determination. You need such a huge amount of stubborness that it is almost bordering along the lines of crazy. Speaking of which...you need a little crazy. You need to be ok with making mistakes, because you will. You need to be able to recognize that each of those mistakes you have made have all actually taught you something that you didn't know before.
Perhaps most of all, you need to believe in yourself...even when you don't. Even when you feel like you can't do it. Even when you feel like you have no idea what you are doing....believe in yourself anyway. Force yourself to do it. Believe in yourself even when no one else does.
Believe in yourself!
There is absolutely no one else on the planet who knows what you are truly capable of...except for YOU. So, give yourself a break and just believe. Believe that you can do it. Believe that you will make it. Believe that you know what you are doing and that you can make it work. It may not happen this moment...or at all today...or even next week. But if you believe in yourself....it WILL happen eventually. You will make it work. You will make it through. You will show your child that anything is possible as long as you try. You will show them that the only true mistake they can make in this life is to sit idly by and do nothing.....not try...not give it their best effort. If you can't find the strength to believe in yourself for YOU....then look at your d-kiddo and do it for them. Show them that you believe in yourself and they will start to believe in themselves.
In this humble D-Mom's opinion, that is one of the most important things we can pass on to our kids...the ability to believe in themselves.
So, take that moment to be mad...to be frustrated...to cry...to feel lost and incapable and like you are in over your head. Take that moment and breathe.....then start believing. Believe in yourself. I believe in you. I really do. I know that you can do it. Just believe!
You want to know what you need to make it in this life with diabetes?
You need tenacity. You need determination. You need such a huge amount of stubborness that it is almost bordering along the lines of crazy. Speaking of which...you need a little crazy. You need to be ok with making mistakes, because you will. You need to be able to recognize that each of those mistakes you have made have all actually taught you something that you didn't know before.
Perhaps most of all, you need to believe in yourself...even when you don't. Even when you feel like you can't do it. Even when you feel like you have no idea what you are doing....believe in yourself anyway. Force yourself to do it. Believe in yourself even when no one else does.
Believe in yourself!
There is absolutely no one else on the planet who knows what you are truly capable of...except for YOU. So, give yourself a break and just believe. Believe that you can do it. Believe that you will make it. Believe that you know what you are doing and that you can make it work. It may not happen this moment...or at all today...or even next week. But if you believe in yourself....it WILL happen eventually. You will make it work. You will make it through. You will show your child that anything is possible as long as you try. You will show them that the only true mistake they can make in this life is to sit idly by and do nothing.....not try...not give it their best effort. If you can't find the strength to believe in yourself for YOU....then look at your d-kiddo and do it for them. Show them that you believe in yourself and they will start to believe in themselves.
In this humble D-Mom's opinion, that is one of the most important things we can pass on to our kids...the ability to believe in themselves.
So, take that moment to be mad...to be frustrated...to cry...to feel lost and incapable and like you are in over your head. Take that moment and breathe.....then start believing. Believe in yourself. I believe in you. I really do. I know that you can do it. Just believe!
Love
To love is to breathe...
tasting the tiny droplets of beauty
as you inhale the world around you.
To love is to see...
to see the incredible light
pouring out of every moment...
every in-between moment
that you immerse yourself in
To love is to feel...
to feel your heart pound beneath your chest
and to know....
that it beats for someone other than yourself
To love is to savour
each individual ticking of the clock
to know that the dark shadows
will bring the light
to know that the arms around you
will save you from the fright
the night
the blinding white
To love is to fly
intertwined
in a life
divine.
tasting the tiny droplets of beauty
as you inhale the world around you.
To love is to see...
to see the incredible light
pouring out of every moment...
every in-between moment
that you immerse yourself in
To love is to feel...
to feel your heart pound beneath your chest
and to know....
that it beats for someone other than yourself
To love is to savour
each individual ticking of the clock
to know that the dark shadows
will bring the light
to know that the arms around you
will save you from the fright
the night
the blinding white
To love is to fly
intertwined
in a life
divine.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Ironic role reversal
Sometimes I forget. I forget that not everyone in the world knows about diabetes...about insulin pumps...about bolusing and basal rates. Sometimes I forget that not everyone that comes into contact with Emma on a daily basis knows all of this stuff....has 4+ years experience with this stuff.
I posted before about Emma's new teacher being incredible....helping, learning, caring....it's all good stuff and I am eternally greatful. However, I need to remember that she has only been doing this for coming up on two weeks now. I need to remember to tell her the little things. I need to do things to ease her worry and stress. I need to make sure that SHE is ok with everything.
For example, today Emma's school walked to the church for mass for the first time this year. Way back in kindergarten, I used to panic because it's not exactly a quick little jaunt around the corner....it's actually a bit of a trek down a busy street. So, to help ease my own worry and the teacher's worry...I would drive to the school, pick Emma up, drive her to church, stay there with them, and then drive her back to the school afterwards. I eliminated the extra activity of walking with the hopes of avoiding low blood sugars. It worked for us. I managed to do the same thing for 1st grade and the majority of 2nd grade as well. Near the end of 2nd grade, Emma decided that she didn't want me around for church visits. She didn't want to be the only one who's Mom was there. See, she is 8 years old now.....time for taking those first steps out into independence and time for fitting in with your friends. I was ok with that....so we talked, prepared, and I stepped back...I let her do it on her own...and she did well! Which brings us to today. Emma was all ready to resume the independence thing and not have me there at church again. I was ready to do my own thing and be greatful for the extra time to myself. That is until her teacher looked at me with worry and nervousness in her eyes and asked if I would mind coming along for the first church mass. She wasn't ready to be on the independence train yet...and i can't say that I blame her! After 2 weeks of diabetes living in my house, I was afraid to even leave the neighborhood!
So, I explained to Emma that we needed to be understanding and patient and give her teacher a chance to see that everything would be alright. We needed to let her see that we can do it and that all will be well........and if something turned out to NOT be well....that you know what to do to fix it. So, I went. I sat far away from Emma so as not to infringe on her coolness factor. I could still see her from where I was and, as always, I was ready to step in if she needed me.
To make a long story short, all went well. Her teacher gave her a hug before we left to go home for lunch which made me smile. I think it was a hug of relief and a hug of gratitude for Emma's understanding how that made her teacher feel more comfortable.
It's a funny thing really if you think about it......we as d-families have a tendency to be surrounded by people who want to make sure we are comfortable...that we are ok...that all is good. But as the years go by, I am finding myself more and more trying to make sure that OTHER people in our d-life feel comfortable and ok with it all. A little bit of ironic role reversal never hurt anyone, I suppose.
I posted before about Emma's new teacher being incredible....helping, learning, caring....it's all good stuff and I am eternally greatful. However, I need to remember that she has only been doing this for coming up on two weeks now. I need to remember to tell her the little things. I need to do things to ease her worry and stress. I need to make sure that SHE is ok with everything.
For example, today Emma's school walked to the church for mass for the first time this year. Way back in kindergarten, I used to panic because it's not exactly a quick little jaunt around the corner....it's actually a bit of a trek down a busy street. So, to help ease my own worry and the teacher's worry...I would drive to the school, pick Emma up, drive her to church, stay there with them, and then drive her back to the school afterwards. I eliminated the extra activity of walking with the hopes of avoiding low blood sugars. It worked for us. I managed to do the same thing for 1st grade and the majority of 2nd grade as well. Near the end of 2nd grade, Emma decided that she didn't want me around for church visits. She didn't want to be the only one who's Mom was there. See, she is 8 years old now.....time for taking those first steps out into independence and time for fitting in with your friends. I was ok with that....so we talked, prepared, and I stepped back...I let her do it on her own...and she did well! Which brings us to today. Emma was all ready to resume the independence thing and not have me there at church again. I was ready to do my own thing and be greatful for the extra time to myself. That is until her teacher looked at me with worry and nervousness in her eyes and asked if I would mind coming along for the first church mass. She wasn't ready to be on the independence train yet...and i can't say that I blame her! After 2 weeks of diabetes living in my house, I was afraid to even leave the neighborhood!
So, I explained to Emma that we needed to be understanding and patient and give her teacher a chance to see that everything would be alright. We needed to let her see that we can do it and that all will be well........and if something turned out to NOT be well....that you know what to do to fix it. So, I went. I sat far away from Emma so as not to infringe on her coolness factor. I could still see her from where I was and, as always, I was ready to step in if she needed me.
To make a long story short, all went well. Her teacher gave her a hug before we left to go home for lunch which made me smile. I think it was a hug of relief and a hug of gratitude for Emma's understanding how that made her teacher feel more comfortable.
It's a funny thing really if you think about it......we as d-families have a tendency to be surrounded by people who want to make sure we are comfortable...that we are ok...that all is good. But as the years go by, I am finding myself more and more trying to make sure that OTHER people in our d-life feel comfortable and ok with it all. A little bit of ironic role reversal never hurt anyone, I suppose.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Cliques and Rants
You wanna know what really grinds my gears? I know, i know....petty problems, Amy...why are you even bringing them up? Well, cause I can....and cause maybe...just maybe someone will happen upon this post and take a second to think...hey, ya know...she has a point there...maybe we should change the way we view things.
Anyhoo, I am finding myself more and more irritated with the cliques in the DOC. There are the cool kids....and then the rest of us. I have no problem being a nerd....in fact I like being a nerd. I have never been one to fit into one particular group of people...and I'm ok with that. I like having a wide variety of friends...being there to support them...knowing that when I need them, they will be there to support me. In the immortal words of the great Martha Stewart......it's a good thing.
I think the thing that bothers me the most....is that we in the DOC are all living the SAME life...we are all dealing with lows, highs, injections, pumps, basals, boluses, ratios, schools, teachers, extra curricular activities, siblings, lack of sleep, illnesses......the whole lot of it....we are all living it day in and day out. So why does there have to be segregated groups of people within this community? Why does there have to be the nonsense? In the midst of incredibly amazing people going through incredibly difficult times in their lives, why does there have to be the seperation and the cliques?
Maybe I just don't get it because I am in fact one of the nerds. Maybe I am not wired the same way as these people. Maybe I am taking it the wrong way. Maybe I am wasting my time in even posting about this. Who knows.........
All I do know is...we are ALL living different versions of the exact same life.....wouldn't it be a nicer place for us all if we recognized that fact and stopped playing the cliquey high school game? I would think so.....but then again I am a bit of a hippie spirit and will choose peace love and harmony any day over elitism.
My two cents on the matter.....sorry if i have offended anyone with this post as it was not my intention....i just needed to get it out of my head because it was irritating me...kind of like that annoying little itch in the middle of your back...you know the kind....that you can't quite reach and find yourself leaning up against the corner of a wall looking like a cat rubbing up and down? LOL!
Yes, clearly I need a nap.
Back to spending quality time with my favorite type 1 as she battles the sniffles and high blood sugars. Thanks for listening to my rant.
xoxoxo
Anyhoo, I am finding myself more and more irritated with the cliques in the DOC. There are the cool kids....and then the rest of us. I have no problem being a nerd....in fact I like being a nerd. I have never been one to fit into one particular group of people...and I'm ok with that. I like having a wide variety of friends...being there to support them...knowing that when I need them, they will be there to support me. In the immortal words of the great Martha Stewart......it's a good thing.
I think the thing that bothers me the most....is that we in the DOC are all living the SAME life...we are all dealing with lows, highs, injections, pumps, basals, boluses, ratios, schools, teachers, extra curricular activities, siblings, lack of sleep, illnesses......the whole lot of it....we are all living it day in and day out. So why does there have to be segregated groups of people within this community? Why does there have to be the nonsense? In the midst of incredibly amazing people going through incredibly difficult times in their lives, why does there have to be the seperation and the cliques?
Maybe I just don't get it because I am in fact one of the nerds. Maybe I am not wired the same way as these people. Maybe I am taking it the wrong way. Maybe I am wasting my time in even posting about this. Who knows.........
All I do know is...we are ALL living different versions of the exact same life.....wouldn't it be a nicer place for us all if we recognized that fact and stopped playing the cliquey high school game? I would think so.....but then again I am a bit of a hippie spirit and will choose peace love and harmony any day over elitism.
My two cents on the matter.....sorry if i have offended anyone with this post as it was not my intention....i just needed to get it out of my head because it was irritating me...kind of like that annoying little itch in the middle of your back...you know the kind....that you can't quite reach and find yourself leaning up against the corner of a wall looking like a cat rubbing up and down? LOL!
Yes, clearly I need a nap.
Back to spending quality time with my favorite type 1 as she battles the sniffles and high blood sugars. Thanks for listening to my rant.
xoxoxo
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