I think a lot of times diabetes makes other stresses in my life that much more intense. Sometimes the everyday things like school and extra activities and obligations seem so much more overwhelming in my head because I carry around this weight of trying to keep my kid alive everyday. I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize this, but it has.
When I have something completely unrelated to diabetes occur, it kind of throws me off balance a bit. I guess because I get so in my groove of being my daughters pancreas...checking blood sugars, bolusing insulin, changing sites...that when something from the outside hops on board, it causes a little panic. It's like carrying around a pile of bricks..perched precariously upon my shoulders...and a feather floats down landing ever so gently on the pile...causing me to prance around from one foot to the next...teetering on the brink of failure...the pile of bricks wobbling and shifting. I feel like if I were to even exhale...the whole pile would just come crashing to the ground around me.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I walk around in a constant state of panic. However, I do feel that weight...and when outside things occur...it sometimes seems to become a juggling act of sorts. I guess I need to work on removing my diabetes glasses more often...and try to see these outside everyday stresses for what they really are...the easy stuff...the "normal" stuff.
I need to realize that I can't do it all. I'm only one person. I'm not superwoman. I'm just a girl who happens to have a daughter with a bum pancreas. If my house is a mess and I don't get my kid to bed until 10pm on a school night one day, it's not the end of the world. If there is no money to buy myself a new pair of winter boots because the ones I currently have are useless and completely not waterproof, it's ok...I won't perish. If I am not sure how I'm going to make it through the day after having only a few hours sleep the night before, it's all good...I won't die...the world will not end. If I have to pull the car over and treat my own low blood sugar on the way to picking my kid up from school for lunch...causing me to be a little late...it's ok...she will be fine...I will be fine.
As long as my kid is fed and healthy and has decent blood sugars, that's all that matters. There is no such thing as perfection. I can only do the best that I can with the tools that I have.
You are not perfect, Amy. You will never achieve perfection as a pancreas....because you know what?....you're NOT a pancreas. Do your best. Sometimes your best will not be good enough...and that's ok. Sometimes your best will be enough...and that's ok too.
So, bring on the bricks...bring on the feathers...it's all a matter of perspective. It's all about how you carry them...and today, I'm going to try to carry them with style....epic style...like John Travolta strutting down the sidewalk on Saturday Night Fever kind of style.