So, I haven't posted in a while.....I've kind of been in a funk. I know we have all been there before. This disease just gets to you sometimes. It tries to consume you and sometimes you just have to take a step back and breathe. Well, I have been breathing. It's not to say that I haven't been fully submerged in diabetes as per usual. Don't get that statement wrong....I do have a life outside of diabetes and I do things not related to diabetes all of the time. But as you know, because this disease is something that you have to manage every single day without fail...no pause...no break....of course it would still make me fully submerged in it. Since Emma has been out of school now on summer break I have been struggling trying to get her blood sugars in check. She has been high......a lot....and it upsets me. I don't want to have a poor a1c again next clinic visit. I want to prove that I can do it. I want to prove to myself I think most of all that I can do it......because she is with me....every day...24/7....she is in my care and I should be able to get a handle on things better than I would when she is not in my care during the school year. It's left me feeling kind of blah. I go through moments of pissed off-ish-ness (yes, it's a word....at least in my world it's a word!), depression, victory, and blah. I just keep plugging along....searching for those patterns that are hidden away amongst the layers of life....activities...swimming, parks, scootering, playing.....the heat...the non-stop viewing of her new favorite movie "Grease", the random eating and sleeping times. There are patterns there....I know they are....they are always there....I just have to find them. So, I keep moving....because I'm like a shark...I have to keep moving.
Which brings us to today......
Emma went upstairs to go get her slippers because her feet were cold and I heard her pause at the top of the stairs before coming back down. She walked into the kitchen with that old familiar blank stare on her face....pale....dark circles under her eyes....glazed over....her shell was there...present with me in the kitchen...but SHE wasn't fully there. It was almost as if I could see her struggling to get her focus...get out of the murkiness that is a low blood sugar. She was in there...her spark was there....but it was muddied by the disease that we fight everyday. She said to me, "Mommy.............(pause pause pause pause)...........I knew I was low because when I tried to come back downstairs from getting my slippers just now...................(pause pause pause pause pause ever loving friggin pause........)........I couldn't.........my legs wouldn't work." She had a look of sadness in her eyes when she struggled to get this sentence out. (Please note that all the while she was struggling to speak, I was getting the meter out and testing her) She was sad. She looked stunned that the legs she has used for 8 years now just....wouldn't....move. They wouldn't do what her brain was telling them to do. She looked like she could not believe that that just occured.
I gave her juice. I fixed the low. I saved her life. WE saved her life. once again.....for the millionth time in the past 4 years. We saved her life.
Afterwards....like usual...I sit here and reflect on the moment. Yes, it broke my heart to see her struggle to speak. Yes, it shattered me to see the incredulous look on her face as she came face to face for the first time ever what it feels like to have your body betray you. She has had countless lows before....but never ones that she has mentioned that her body wouldn't do what she wanted it to do. Yes, this all broke my heart and makes me sad and mad and pissed off....but it's what we do. We let those feelings out...we scream them, we cry them, we cheer them, we shout them out loud.........we get them out and watch them fly away up into the night sky.
It's just what we do.