Endurance is key....and a snazzy pair of running shorts

Being the parent of a diabetic kid means that you need to be a lot of things. One thing that I have learned over the years that you really need to have is endurance. There are no breaks from diabetes. There are no vacations. It's always there. It keeps you on your toes and forces you to make your best attempt at seeing into the future on a daily basis. Guessing how a certain activity will affect blood sugars hours from now, guessing how a certain food will affect your child hours later, etc. I never really considered myself to be one of those people with a lot of endurance. I remember back in high school we had to run a mile once a year in gym class. It was timed and was part of our grade. I was never a fan of long distance running really...I much preferred sprints. In any case, there I was every year...lined up with the rest of my class anticipating the mile ahead. It was a hot late spring day...the gym doors were open to let in some air...the track looked enormous. It looked like it would take a lifetime to run around it for the total mile. I was one of those people who would start out fast and try to get ahead of the boys so I could just get it finished and over with as soon as possible because I hated it! Well, needless to say...I didn't pace myself and I would wind up struggling the last half.
I think of that memory a lot when I am having a rough diabetes day with Emma. I think about how I need to pace myself...i need to have endurance to make it through the difficult times. I can't run full out, feet pounding the floor, lungs burning....I need to control my steps...keep a pace slow and steady.
This weekend Emma has a cold. Just your run of the mill average ordinary common cold. Well, it is totally and completely wreaking havoc on her blood sugar numbers! They have been insanely high to the point of making me feel like I must just be injecting her with water instead of insulin. On a normal day, Emma has to get 4 needles total. Well, today she needed 8!! Yea...it's a little frustrating to say the least. No ketones though thankfully! Anyway, I had to dig deep today and practice my skills in endurance. I don't know if the rest of you do this...but I tend to have little conversations/arguments with myself in my own head. Yea...I'm not crazy...at least not in the "medically insane" sense of the word! All day long I was arguing with myself...checking blood sugars...cursing the high numbers in my head...mentally picturing myself taking the meter out to the driveway and backing the car up over it to smash the cursed thing for telling me such crappy numbers! I held it together though. I just kept plugging along...checking...giving extra needles...checking ketones...over and over and over all day and night. I kept a good pace...I didn't freak out and panic...I didn't get angry (much) and curse and yell...I just kept putting one foot in front of the other...breathing in and out...fixing the current number and not worrying about what was ahead. I just kept my head down and focused on the steps in front of me...the number I was currently dealt. Endurance is not an easy thing to aquire. It's not a trait that everyone has. It really has become a huge part of my existance though since diabetes jumped onto the track with me almost 3 years ago. Diabetes may pull ahead of me on the straight-aways sometimes...I may stumble and fall around the turns...but I will continue to get back up, dust off my snazzy running shorts, adjust my Super Diabetes Momma cape, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will catch it....I will keep moving...keep focusing on the steps in front of me. I will catch up to diabetes and i will stick my tongue out at it and give it the finger as I steadily run by passing it on the outside to cross the finish line.

Lights all around the world

I think it's pretty crazy/amazing how connected parents of diabetic kids and diabetics themselves are. Before Emma was diagnosed, I was on the computer like normal...probably not as much as I am now I suppose...and I had "friends" on Facebook just like most everyone else out there in the world. It was never really anything majorly important to me. I didn't write a blog. I lived in my own little bubble in my own little corner of the world. I was totally oblivious to there being any Mom out there struggling to keep her child's BG up, or staying up all hours of the night checking for ketones and battling an illness with their diabetic child, or pulling their hair out trying to get their child's school to be more supportive. I was clueless as to what the big bad world really had out there...I was naive. Since Emma was diagnosed, I have met so many amazing people who are affected by this disease every single day....just like we are. They are always there to support and listen...always there to offer advice or a shoulder to cry on...they are always there to be our cheerleaders when we need them most. I can't believe how special it is really. I know Mom's thru the internet that are all over this world...Canada, US, Australia, South Africa....it's beyond amazing to me that this one thing has connected us all. When I read about one of them having a rough time with diabetes...barely hanging on by a thread...stressed out or worried...in the hospital with their child, it hurts my heart...I wish I could be there in person for them if even to just offer a hug....and a coffee of course...diabetic parents are never ones to turn away a coffee! But then I realize that they must feel the same way I do....they know that all they have to do is turn on their computer and here we all will be to support them too. It's an awesome thing and I am so greatful. I'm pretty sure I would have lost my mind long ago if not for all of you.
I remember one night a couple of years ago...it was around 2:00am and it was the first time Emma had a stomach virus since being diagnosed. I was so completely over the edge with worry and stress over what to do. I was crying my eyes out and praying for help...praying for this all to stop and for me to be able to have my little girl back to normal. I was having the hardest time keeping her BG above 3.0 and I was exhausted. So, I got on the computer and went on Facebook. A friend that I met on a diabetes group happened to be online...she lives in Florida, so it was 2:00am for her as well. She had a diabetic daughter who actually passed away as a teenager. She was there for me...she talked me through everything...she offered support and advice...she even gave me her phone number and told me to call any time if I ever needed help. I will never forget that night. I will never be able to express how greatful I was for having her there to support me. Diabetes is such a mean and unfair disease...it is greedy and relentless...but I have learned to spot the good things in it. I have learned to find that silver lining....that good light in all this messy darkness. I know I can always turn on my computer and find that good light out there...that supportive friend who truly understands...be it here at home in Canada...or all the way on the other side of the world in South Africa. I am greatful for that.

The dingo ate your baby!!

So I am officially "off my rocker" according to Emma. The other day I was laying up in her bed with her for a few minutes before bedtime...just like we do every single night...and like usual the goofiness started to happen. Emma had a baby doll, a scarf, and a sock monkey that she was playing with. She decided to tie the scarf around the babies belly and fling it over the edge of the bed and pretend she was fishing. Hmmm...fishing for babies??? Not sure how she came up with this game, but I went along with it none the less. Well, after a few minutes of pretending to struggle with reeling in the "big catch of the day"...she finally pulled the scarf all the way up...only to realize that the "big catch" got away!! The scarf came undone from the baby doll and she was lying on the floor still. Well, instead of pointing this out to Emma...I shouted in my best English/Australian/???who knows what accent, "The Dingo ate your baby!!!" Well, Emma thought this was absolutely THE most hilarious thing she had ever heard and burst into giggles. Her laugh makes me laugh uncontrollably every single time. So there we were laughing away to the point of tears streaming out of our eyes and basically no sound coming out. It was the best. I love moments like those. Those little snipits of time in our lives are what it's really all about. Laughing until you can't breathe and your belly hurts....giggling away with your kids to the point where you can't even make eye contact with them without bursting out into uncontrollable laughter all over again.
I spend so much of my time worrying about Emma's diabetes. Stressing about everything that it entails. Wishing that there was some sort of crystal ball that I could look into and make sure that Emma will be ok tomorrow, next month, 30 years from now. So, it is nice when those moments come along and make me forget about diabetes. It also makes it all the more sweet when Emma said to me afterwards, "Mommy? I like that you are funny and not strict like other people's Moms." That made me smile.

You wanna give me a PAIR of what??

After lunch today when i dropped Emma back off at school, I heard a commerical on the radio for some night club in Toronto. Their way of enticing people to come in this weekend is to offer the chance to win a Harley Davidson motorcycle for the guys....or a pair of breast implants for the ladies....ummm....ok? There are just way too many things wrong with this. First of all, what if the ladies would like to win the Harley? What if there is a man out there looking to win the implants for either himself (strange i know...but whatever!) or for his special lady? Why did they feel the need to emphasize the word PAIR in the statement "a PAIR of breast implants"? Is this supposed to show that they are really THE place to be on a Saturday night because they are offering you the chance to win not just ONE implant...but a PAIR of them?? What a weird world we live in. Anyway, I am now thinking of opening up my own nightclub and starting a promotion for the chance to win a PAIR of butt implants...not just one cheek from us...we are going all out and offering BOTH cheeks! To win the contest, you must either be the last man or woman standing in a marathon dance-off to that old Sir Mix-a-Lot classic "I Like Big Butts". UGH...How ridiculous people are sometimes!
Anyway, I know this post has absolutely nothing to do with diabetes...but I just felt the need to share. In conclusion, just to give this post a sense of belonging with the rest of my diabetes related posts...all I have left to say is diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes diabetes sucks.

Where the heck is that pause button?

My kid is growing up way too fast and I wish I could slow it down a bit...maybe even stop it all together...lol. As we were walking up the path to her school this morning, she passed by a friend from her class whom she calls her "brother from another mother"...yea...in case you've forgotten, my kid is 6. Anyway, he shouted to her, "Hi Emma!!" and she waved at him and shouted, 'sup Chris?!.....it took everything in me to not start laughing. We are getting to that age where she isn't always sure that she wants her friends to see me kiss her goodbye in the morning...sometimes she doesn't care...and sometimes she does and gets totally embarassed. It is a good thing and yet a sad thing also for me. It makes me happy that she is growing up and becoming more independant and has her very own personality. I love that she has her very own life away from me when she is at school. On the other hand, it makes me sad...she will be 7 in about 3 weeks now....she is most definitely not a baby anymore. She doesn't need me as much as she used to. She is getting taller and loose teeth are falling out (2 teeth in the past 2 days now! sheesh!) and she actually cares what clothes she is wearing and how her hair looks. It makes my heart hurt when I look at her sometimes and see that she doesn't really have that baby face anymore...she's a regular kid now.
I wish I could just pause time for a little bit so I could grab ahold of her and hug and cuddle her...imprinting it in my brain forever. Hold her hand while walking through the store and file that feeling away in my mind...how her little hand feels in mine. Listen to her giggle over and over and get to that point where she's laughing so hard that no sound comes out. I want to hold that sound in my heart always. In my almost 34 years on this Earth....there is still no other sound that comes close to topping it....except maybe hearing her little voice say, "I love you, Mommy!"....that is the best.
I do know I can't stop it and I know I can't even slow down time. So, for this moment in time...I am just going to be greatful for what I have, hug her extra hard, give her lots of kisses, and tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me.

2:00am...Man vs. Food and the Toothfairy

Ahhh 2:00am....my old friend...here we are again. I have a love/hate relationship going on with Sundays. I hate them because it usually involves laundry, getting things ready for the week ahead, and there never seems to be much good on TV all day unless you are a big fan of TBS movies starring Stephen Segal. I love them because usually my husband does not have to work and he will get up with Emma and do the whole food/insulin/diabetes management duties and let me sleep in. I love it. It is like I'm able to refill my sleep tank which makes me feel slightly more normal and slightly less zombie Mommy-ish. It will usually tide me over until at least Wednesday...and then the tiredness starts to creep back in. Well, in any case...as most of you D-Moms and Dads out there will agree with I am sure...sleep is an amazing thing that we all are lacking in. In fact, I told my husband the other day that I think if someone offered me $1000 or the chance to sleep in as late as I wanted to...I would choose sleep hands down! I actually slept in today (technically yesterday at this point) until 1:00pm. I woke up feeling refreshed and like a brand new person. It was amazing! My only issue with this is....now here I am sitting at 2:00am...completely 100% not tired in the slightest. I have to be up in about 5 hours to get my daughter ready and out the door for school. It's almost not even worth it to go to sleep! I should though...if I don't, I think I will be regretting it come supper time tomorrow (today?) Ugh...I can't even blame my confuzzled thinking about what day it actually is on lack of sleep!
Anyway, I've been watching some sort of marathon of the tv show "Man vs. Food" tonight. I highly recommend it if you are ever awake at 2:00am....he is quite a guy. I can't help but think what this guys poor pancreas is having to handle as he is sitting there eating this stuff! 5 bowls of the world's hottest chili? a 12 patty burger? a 6 pound milkshake?  woah.
Well, one final thought before I attempt to go lay down and sleep...Emma lost her 3rd tooth tonite! It was one of the front top ones this time and she looks absolutely adorable. I must now go do my tooth fairy duties and make the switch...pull the tooth out from under the pillow and slide the money back under. It's a good thing she is such a sound sleeper!!

Monitors, Guilt, and my MacGuyver skills

I have been having baby monitor issues the past two days. Yes, my daughter is 6...will be 7 next month actually...but I still have a baby monitor in her room because I worry and I don't think I would be able to sleep if it wasn't in there because of her diabetes. I'm sure at some point I will get rid of it...maybe when she's 18...lol. Anyway, I originally thought it was just that the batteries were dead...which is unusual because this monitor takes rechargable batteries only and when you plug it into an outlet it automatically recharges the batteries currently in it. Well, last night I ran out and got new batteries only to find that it is actually the plug that is malfunctioning. So, here I sit watching the little circle on it flash orange at me...over and over...blinking away...mocking me. Saying "HA! And you thought you were actually going to get some sleep tonight! Think again you silly woman you!" It is currently 12:50am and I am not about to run out and try and find some 24hour Kwik-E-Mart type place and pay $500 for some AAA batteries. UGH.
So, here I sit...thinking away about times past instead. For some reason my mind has drifted to the time just before Emma was diagnosed. Sometimes I decide to take myself on a guilt trip just to make things interesting...and this is one of those times...grrr. Anyway, just before she was diagnosed she had started to drink LOADS of water at bedtime and had actually started wetting the bed again. I know now obviously that these are two of the most common signs of diabetes...but at the time, I had no idea. I vividly remember getting so mad at her for chugging the Dora sippy cup of water that I would give her to take to bed. She would chug it in a matter of seconds and ask for more. It got to the point that I actually yelled at her to slow down and stop chugging it all down...try to make it last!! There was one night that I must have refilled that thing 10 times...and during that night she wet the bed three times in a span of about an hour and a half. I would go up to her room to check on her and it would be soaked! So, I would have to change her and the bed and fix everything up. I had been so angry because I was SO tired and did not want to have to keep changing the bed at 2am...so I yelled at her again...to please just call for me if she had to go potty...just come downstairs and go to the bathroom! Well, needless to say the next few days after that night totally explained everything. She was diagnosed with diabetes. I was the worst Mommy in the world because I yelled at my baby for drinking too much water when she was probably dying of thirst...she couldn't help it...she wasn't doing it on purpose. I carry around so much guilt for that still to this day. I feel horrible for getting mad at her. I have apologized to her since then for doing that and for getting mad and she has forgiven me very easily. I wonder if I will ever be able to let that guilt go. I wonder if I will carry it with me forever. That memory and that feeling isn't always in the forefront of my mind...but every now and again it will bubble up and come to the surface...stabbing me in the heart each time...just to remind me that it's still there lurking around. If I could turn back time, i would have had such a different reaction to everything that went on that night.
Anyway, I am off to try and MacGuyver something and fix my baby monitor...I should try and find a stick of gum, a shoestring, and a paperclip...that always seems to work for him!