Wandering around lost in the middle of an empty field
the wind brushes past you...all around you...through you...
the waist high grass bends and sways as the wind carefully sweeps over it's tips...
causing an enormous deep green wave floating ever onward to the horizon
soft beneath your bare feet...cool against your aching soles...
there is no reminder here...
no loud, flashing, screaming sign to remind you that
you are different.
there is no megaphone residing in your conscience
forcing an excruciating earsplitting reminder into your soul that
you are different.
You are not part of the exclusive
You are not with the lucky
You are not included in the simple...the easy...the part of the world that is able to breathe.
That life...those people...that ease...
it was simply a glimmer of what could have been...
how your mind's eye as a child thought that it would be...
and now it's just a mere whisper.
a reminder that you are different...you will never be like them.
so as you walk through the cool and comforting mud beneath your ocean of grass,
remember that.
remember that no matter how often or how painful it is to think of...
you were not meant for that life...that ease...that simplicity...those people.
it was never yours to keep.
you were meant for something greater...
something larger than life...
something indescribably difficult.
something uniquely yours....
something different.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Mumford and Sons concert last night!!
Last night Emma and I had the most amazing time. We went to see Mumford and Sons in concert! It was hands down the best concert I have ever been to in my life. When we arrived and walked hand in hand into the building, I was immediately overwhelmed...there were thousands of people everywhere of course. I had taken Emma to one other concert a couple of years ago...the Jonas Brothers to be exact...lol....and that place was huge as well, however there were tons of other kids there too. At last nights show, Emma was by far the youngest kid in the crowd. On the one hand I was proud of her and excited for her...I love showing her new things and letting her experience new things...I love introducing her to all different types of music as opposed to just being stuck on whatever the Disney Channel shoves down kids throats these days. On the other hand, I was a little nervous because I didn't want to lose her in the crowd. So, I had her hand in a death grip basically and we slowly made our way through to the actual concert area. I was immediately impressed with how everyone around us was so ok and helpful with seeing a kid there. Complete strangers were stepping out of the way and letting her through...smiling down at her and asking her if she was ready to rock out and sing along. It was great.
So, once the concert started the place erupted in a wave of screams and applause. I looked down at Emma's face expecting her to be plugging her ears against the noise and squeezing her eyes shut....instead I was met with a gigantic smile and she was jumping up and down and screaming right along with everyone! At one point during "Little Lion Man" I heard her scream "THIS IS THE BEST CONCERT OF MY LIFE MOMMY!! I WANT TO STAY HERE FOREVER!"
Like I mentioned before, I am a huge Mumford fan and was beyond excited to see them live...but I would have to say that my absolute favorite part of the whole night was seeing Emma's reaction...seeing her soak in all of the excitement...all of the incredible music...all of the lights and cheers and dancing...the entire moment. I know that she will never forget it for the rest of her life...and I will never forget the look on her face for the rest of my life! I love how much more I learned about Mumford too...they are musicians who truly are humble and down to Earth...musicians who so evidently love what they do...musicians who were made to do this...they live, breathe, and love their art. I love how at concerts like that...when you are there in that room with them and thousands of other people...for hours at a time...to me it always feels like you are on another planet...lost in the love...entirely seperated from the rest of the world. There is no work, no school, no worries, no stress...nothing.....just you and this room full of people sharing something so special that there are no words to appropriately describe it....beauty and love come close...but even they don't do it justice. It's an incredible feeling and I am so glad that I got to experience it with my daughter.
My broken toe was forgotten until the end of the night...it's a nice shade of blackish purple today! Diabetes attempted to get in the middle of things a couple of times...but I managed to show it who's boss and throw it out of the show...this was OUR time...OUR moment!
My camera sucks, but I did manage to get a couple pre-show pics of Emma and I...and then a couple of the show on my phone (however I have no idea how to get pictures off of my phone onto the computer...lol...yea...i'm not the sharpest tool in the shed!)
So, once the concert started the place erupted in a wave of screams and applause. I looked down at Emma's face expecting her to be plugging her ears against the noise and squeezing her eyes shut....instead I was met with a gigantic smile and she was jumping up and down and screaming right along with everyone! At one point during "Little Lion Man" I heard her scream "THIS IS THE BEST CONCERT OF MY LIFE MOMMY!! I WANT TO STAY HERE FOREVER!"
Like I mentioned before, I am a huge Mumford fan and was beyond excited to see them live...but I would have to say that my absolute favorite part of the whole night was seeing Emma's reaction...seeing her soak in all of the excitement...all of the incredible music...all of the lights and cheers and dancing...the entire moment. I know that she will never forget it for the rest of her life...and I will never forget the look on her face for the rest of my life! I love how much more I learned about Mumford too...they are musicians who truly are humble and down to Earth...musicians who so evidently love what they do...musicians who were made to do this...they live, breathe, and love their art. I love how at concerts like that...when you are there in that room with them and thousands of other people...for hours at a time...to me it always feels like you are on another planet...lost in the love...entirely seperated from the rest of the world. There is no work, no school, no worries, no stress...nothing.....just you and this room full of people sharing something so special that there are no words to appropriately describe it....beauty and love come close...but even they don't do it justice. It's an incredible feeling and I am so glad that I got to experience it with my daughter.
My broken toe was forgotten until the end of the night...it's a nice shade of blackish purple today! Diabetes attempted to get in the middle of things a couple of times...but I managed to show it who's boss and throw it out of the show...this was OUR time...OUR moment!
My camera sucks, but I did manage to get a couple pre-show pics of Emma and I...and then a couple of the show on my phone (however I have no idea how to get pictures off of my phone onto the computer...lol...yea...i'm not the sharpest tool in the shed!)
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Ice skating with Elaine and remembering to be ME
So today I went ice skating with my wonderful, amazing, hilarious sister in law Elaine. She really is incredible. She's one of those special down to Earth souls out there in the world that just make you feel better...happier...lighter being around them. She is always there for me. She makes me laugh out loud so hard sometimes that I forget what in the world I was stressed out about to begin with. Not just your ordinary kind of laugh either...one of those special kinds of belly laughs that leaves you with nothing but a squeak escaping from your lips in the way of sound...and your sides are aching...but the good kind of ache...:o)...you are left struggling for air and feeling like nothing else in the world matters. She's the best and I am truly lucky to not only have her as a friend...but also in my family.
Anyway, unlike the fantastical Miss Reyna...I am not all that great on skates. I can manage to stay upright most of the time and I don't have to hold on to the boards...but it can turn into a pretty weeble wobble scenario at any given moment honestly! Elaine hadn't been out on the ice in about 16 years herself...so I knew we were bound for an interesting skate...lol...let's just say Elaine did fantastic! I have no shame really...I don't try to fool myself into thinking that I am good...so it was quite the scene when I fell twice on my knees. I had Elaine in stitches for the first fall because at one moment I was skating alongside her talking away and at the next I was gone...flat on the ground behind her! Sure I am sitting here with bruised knees and an oddly shaped protuding bruisey lump on my wrist which makes me wonder what exactly is going on in there...however not wondering enough to actually make the trip to the ER! Maybe that is because I am too beyond excited to be going to a Mumford and Sons concert tomorrow night with Emma!!??!! Possibly?? I'm thinking YES!
Anyhoo, once our skate was over and we were sitting on the bench putting our shoes back on and still giggling at my falls, and already planning our next visit to the arena devising a master plan to secretly practice once a week and become pros in a matter of time....I couldn't help but smile. I smiled because when I arrived there and got out of my car I realized that it was the first time I had gone skating without Emma in years...first time I didn't have to worry about carrying along her BG meter bag, low snacks, glucagon, or any other D-supplies. I realized that I could just leave all of that in the car. All I had to bring with me was my phone...and myself. It felt nice. I also smiled because I had a great time...it was honestly one of only a handful of times where I have ever done anything without Emma there. That may sound bad...it may sound odd really because of how often I talk about how amazing I think she is and how much I enjoy spending time with my kid.....but I can't deny the fact that it felt nice...it was fun to just be "Amy" for an hour...just me...not Mommy...not diabetes manager...not even wife....just AMY. It felt amazing. I get stuck in the never ending monotony of life with diabetes so easily that I slip away and tend to forget what that is like...I forget how to be just ME...I forget how much fun I can wind up having with whoever I am with...it's nice. So, for that hour away today Elaine...I am truly greatful. Beyond words greatful really. Thanks for inviting me along, for all of the laughs, and for making me remember that I need to take time to just be ME every now and again. Love you!!
Anyway, unlike the fantastical Miss Reyna...I am not all that great on skates. I can manage to stay upright most of the time and I don't have to hold on to the boards...but it can turn into a pretty weeble wobble scenario at any given moment honestly! Elaine hadn't been out on the ice in about 16 years herself...so I knew we were bound for an interesting skate...lol...let's just say Elaine did fantastic! I have no shame really...I don't try to fool myself into thinking that I am good...so it was quite the scene when I fell twice on my knees. I had Elaine in stitches for the first fall because at one moment I was skating alongside her talking away and at the next I was gone...flat on the ground behind her! Sure I am sitting here with bruised knees and an oddly shaped protuding bruisey lump on my wrist which makes me wonder what exactly is going on in there...however not wondering enough to actually make the trip to the ER! Maybe that is because I am too beyond excited to be going to a Mumford and Sons concert tomorrow night with Emma!!??!! Possibly?? I'm thinking YES!
Anyhoo, once our skate was over and we were sitting on the bench putting our shoes back on and still giggling at my falls, and already planning our next visit to the arena devising a master plan to secretly practice once a week and become pros in a matter of time....I couldn't help but smile. I smiled because when I arrived there and got out of my car I realized that it was the first time I had gone skating without Emma in years...first time I didn't have to worry about carrying along her BG meter bag, low snacks, glucagon, or any other D-supplies. I realized that I could just leave all of that in the car. All I had to bring with me was my phone...and myself. It felt nice. I also smiled because I had a great time...it was honestly one of only a handful of times where I have ever done anything without Emma there. That may sound bad...it may sound odd really because of how often I talk about how amazing I think she is and how much I enjoy spending time with my kid.....but I can't deny the fact that it felt nice...it was fun to just be "Amy" for an hour...just me...not Mommy...not diabetes manager...not even wife....just AMY. It felt amazing. I get stuck in the never ending monotony of life with diabetes so easily that I slip away and tend to forget what that is like...I forget how to be just ME...I forget how much fun I can wind up having with whoever I am with...it's nice. So, for that hour away today Elaine...I am truly greatful. Beyond words greatful really. Thanks for inviting me along, for all of the laughs, and for making me remember that I need to take time to just be ME every now and again. Love you!!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Thank you Grandma...I will miss you
It's such an odd thing to hear your parents cry...to hear the hurt and the sadness in their voice over the phone across the miles. I picked up the phone tonight while I was in the middle of checking Emma's BG before bed. I said hello and was met with my Mom's voice...upset...quiet...tear filled. In an instant my focus was ripped from the monotony and routine of being the parent of a diabetic...and my heart flew across the border to the states...to my Mom and Dad's house. The tears stung my eyes and my heart began pounding. My Mom was calling to tell me that my Grandma had passed away tonight. She had been sick for years with Alzheimer's and more recently had a stroke...she was not meant for this world any longer...she needed to be free...she needed to be rid of the mind and body that had failed her.
A few years ago when Emma and I had gone home to visit and be there for my brother's wedding, my Grandma came over to see us. I very vividly remember sitting there with her and knowing that she had no idea who I was anymore...she looked at me like I was a stranger...it hurt my heart, but I knew that it was inevitable...I didn't live there...she didn't see me on a regular basis...the alzheimer's was stealing away her memories and her mind. When I left to return back to Canada after that visit, I made peace with it...I said my own version of my goodbyes to her at that time. My Grandma was a wonderful woman. She collected dolls, she played games with us when we were kids, she was the type of Grandma who would get down on the floor and sit there with you and play. Every year for Easter she would make up a huge basket full of candy for my brother and I...I loved it...it made me feel special...it made me feel important because I thought she was so tight with the Easter bunny that he dropped off a basket for us at her house too simply because she asked him to. Every year for Halloween my Dad would bring my brother and I over to my grandparents house. He would park down the street and Joe (my brother) and I would walk up to the house and pretend like we were just regular trick or treaters...my grandparents would open the door and we would giggle away wondering how long it would take for them to recognize us. Sometimes it took a long time...at the time I thought it was because we were so sneaky and were wearing great costumes...now as an adult, I know that they probably were just playing along to make us smile...to make us feel good. I love her for doing things like that. I love her for giving me my Dad. I could not have in a million years ever dreamed of having a Dad as incredible as the one I got. He is my hero. He is what I measure all men to. In my eyes he is perfect. He's funny...he's smart...he's the strongest man I know...he has taught me so much in this life that there is absolutely no way I could ever repay him. Everyone has always told me that I look like my Dad, I act like him, I have the same type of personality as him...to me that is one of the greatest compliments I have ever received. So, I thank my Grandma for giving me my Dad. I hope she knows how much he means to me...I hope she knows how much she means to me.
I hope my Grandma is up in Heaven now starting a new collection of dolls...finding the most special ones that she could ever hope to find. I hope that she is at peace. I hope that she is playing golf with my Grandpa again. I hope that she is laughing and running freely with no pain...no fear...no sadness. I hope that she is loving every single moment and enjoying all of the beauty around her. I love you Grandma and I will see you again one day. Thank you for everything you gave me and please give Grandpa a kiss and hug for me too...and tell him I love and miss him too.
A few years ago when Emma and I had gone home to visit and be there for my brother's wedding, my Grandma came over to see us. I very vividly remember sitting there with her and knowing that she had no idea who I was anymore...she looked at me like I was a stranger...it hurt my heart, but I knew that it was inevitable...I didn't live there...she didn't see me on a regular basis...the alzheimer's was stealing away her memories and her mind. When I left to return back to Canada after that visit, I made peace with it...I said my own version of my goodbyes to her at that time. My Grandma was a wonderful woman. She collected dolls, she played games with us when we were kids, she was the type of Grandma who would get down on the floor and sit there with you and play. Every year for Easter she would make up a huge basket full of candy for my brother and I...I loved it...it made me feel special...it made me feel important because I thought she was so tight with the Easter bunny that he dropped off a basket for us at her house too simply because she asked him to. Every year for Halloween my Dad would bring my brother and I over to my grandparents house. He would park down the street and Joe (my brother) and I would walk up to the house and pretend like we were just regular trick or treaters...my grandparents would open the door and we would giggle away wondering how long it would take for them to recognize us. Sometimes it took a long time...at the time I thought it was because we were so sneaky and were wearing great costumes...now as an adult, I know that they probably were just playing along to make us smile...to make us feel good. I love her for doing things like that. I love her for giving me my Dad. I could not have in a million years ever dreamed of having a Dad as incredible as the one I got. He is my hero. He is what I measure all men to. In my eyes he is perfect. He's funny...he's smart...he's the strongest man I know...he has taught me so much in this life that there is absolutely no way I could ever repay him. Everyone has always told me that I look like my Dad, I act like him, I have the same type of personality as him...to me that is one of the greatest compliments I have ever received. So, I thank my Grandma for giving me my Dad. I hope she knows how much he means to me...I hope she knows how much she means to me.
I hope my Grandma is up in Heaven now starting a new collection of dolls...finding the most special ones that she could ever hope to find. I hope that she is at peace. I hope that she is playing golf with my Grandpa again. I hope that she is laughing and running freely with no pain...no fear...no sadness. I hope that she is loving every single moment and enjoying all of the beauty around her. I love you Grandma and I will see you again one day. Thank you for everything you gave me and please give Grandpa a kiss and hug for me too...and tell him I love and miss him too.
what goes on in my head when she's 2.3
Mommy, I feel low.....
Heart pounding...palms sweating...shivering and shaking...instant icy panic coursing through my veins...throbbing head...screaming NO at the top of my lungs and yet only a mere whisper of sound escapes my suddenly dry lips..."can't take my eyes off of you...you're too good to be true...i just can't take my eyes off of you"...don't let this be the time...please God don't let this be the time...don't take her from me...you can't take her from me...please don't...let this one pass too...let the number come back up...let the juice work...let her stay here with me...i need her here with me...let us keep trying...please let us fight this and win...let me keep her...let me kiss her beautiful forehead goodnight as she lay her head upon her soft pillow again tonight....let me keep her...let me see her shining eyes again...let me see the dull and far off sugar deprived look disappear from her eyes once more...let me see them shine again...let me see them sparkle...give me back my daughter...my bright beautiful funny amazing daughter...please let this work...please give me the strength to make it through this...give me the strength and the knowledge to do this right...don't let me fail...don't let me make a mistake and torture me by watching her slip away from me right now at this moment in this darkened coffee shop parking lot...sitting here in her car seat...so small...so lost...so scared...don't take her from me now...please let me do this right...please heal her body...please heal her...please help me...i feel so lost so scared so terrified such a failure...i feel so gone...so alone...so scared...i need her...i can't breathe without her...i can't live without her...i need her...you gave her to me 7 years ago...i can't give her back already...please help me...i can't do this...i can't handle the pressure...i can't handle the worry...the panic..the pain...the stress...never ending swirling around me in a constant mist of overwhelming noise...it's too much...far too much...i'm not good enough...im not smart enough...im not strong enough...i cant do it anymore...it's beating me...it's winning...im sitting here watching it beat me...im watching it sneer and cackle and wonderously triumph over me...im watching it win...im losing...i can't do it...my heart can't handle the pain and the worry and the fear anymore...its broken...its scarred...its angry...its awful...its a disgusting and wretched feeling...why can't i save her...why can't i do it right...why can't i fix it...why can't i be stronger....i can't hold up my wall anymore...it's crumbling down into a million dusty pieces all around me....and all i can do is sit here frozen...numb...lost...sit here in the front seat of my car...and stare at her...stare at her because i fear if i look away if only for a second...if i even blink...you will take her from me...please don't take her from me.....
Heart pounding...palms sweating...shivering and shaking...instant icy panic coursing through my veins...throbbing head...screaming NO at the top of my lungs and yet only a mere whisper of sound escapes my suddenly dry lips..."can't take my eyes off of you...you're too good to be true...i just can't take my eyes off of you"...don't let this be the time...please God don't let this be the time...don't take her from me...you can't take her from me...please don't...let this one pass too...let the number come back up...let the juice work...let her stay here with me...i need her here with me...let us keep trying...please let us fight this and win...let me keep her...let me kiss her beautiful forehead goodnight as she lay her head upon her soft pillow again tonight....let me keep her...let me see her shining eyes again...let me see the dull and far off sugar deprived look disappear from her eyes once more...let me see them shine again...let me see them sparkle...give me back my daughter...my bright beautiful funny amazing daughter...please let this work...please give me the strength to make it through this...give me the strength and the knowledge to do this right...don't let me fail...don't let me make a mistake and torture me by watching her slip away from me right now at this moment in this darkened coffee shop parking lot...sitting here in her car seat...so small...so lost...so scared...don't take her from me now...please let me do this right...please heal her body...please heal her...please help me...i feel so lost so scared so terrified such a failure...i feel so gone...so alone...so scared...i need her...i can't breathe without her...i can't live without her...i need her...you gave her to me 7 years ago...i can't give her back already...please help me...i can't do this...i can't handle the pressure...i can't handle the worry...the panic..the pain...the stress...never ending swirling around me in a constant mist of overwhelming noise...it's too much...far too much...i'm not good enough...im not smart enough...im not strong enough...i cant do it anymore...it's beating me...it's winning...im sitting here watching it beat me...im watching it sneer and cackle and wonderously triumph over me...im watching it win...im losing...i can't do it...my heart can't handle the pain and the worry and the fear anymore...its broken...its scarred...its angry...its awful...its a disgusting and wretched feeling...why can't i save her...why can't i do it right...why can't i fix it...why can't i be stronger....i can't hold up my wall anymore...it's crumbling down into a million dusty pieces all around me....and all i can do is sit here frozen...numb...lost...sit here in the front seat of my car...and stare at her...stare at her because i fear if i look away if only for a second...if i even blink...you will take her from me...please don't take her from me.....
Friday, October 21, 2011
Before diabetes
I picked up Emma a little early from school today because she had a dentist appointment. It was just your run of the mill cleaning appointment and check-up. As we pulled into the parking space in front of the dentist office, I handed her the blood sugar meter to check where she was at just to be reassured that she wouldn't drop low during the cleaning. I shut the car off and listened as I heard the old familiar 3 beeps come from the meter and Emma told me a perfect number. She zipped up the case and tossed it over the front seat in her usual fashion...my kid has no patience for handing it nicely to me for some reason...I think she likes the whole zip and toss move. Anyway, it was all normal...typical...run of the mill...an average afternoon in the life of being a parent.
And then Emma said, "Mommy? I don't even remember what it was like before diabetes."
Just like that....out of the blue...
I was caught off guard...I felt the tears instantly sting my eyes threatening to spill over and drip down my cheeks. It's weird because most of the time I get caught up in the monotony of diabetes and I have built up a huge sturdy wall around my heart to fend off attacks of pain or anguish...sadness and depression from this disease. Every once and a while though, things like what happened today just blast right through and send a shock to my system. It's like a reminder that I don't need and never wanted...a little jolt to that special place in my heart saved for Emma. I heard those words come out of her mouth and it made me sad. I knew that because she was only 4 years old when she was diagnosed that she probably wouldn't really remember those days forever. I knew that as she grew into an adult that those memories of the first 4 years of her life would become more hazy and more surreal until they probably just faded away into an oblivion of nothingness....becoming overshadowed by the constant that is diabetes. I knew it would happen. I've thought about it many times in the past 3+ years. I just never really knew that it would hurt my heart so much to hear those exact words fall from her lips. I never knew that the thought would ever occur to her. I never knew that it would cause me to feel such anger and such sadness. It took all of my strength to stop those cursed tears from falling...from letting her see how much her words affected me...from having to walk into the dentists office with red eyes full of sadness caused by diabetes. I didn't want to have to explain to them why I would have looked sad...I didn't want to have to share...I didn't want to see the pity on their faces...I don't want pity...I don't want the "poor you" and the "aww it must be so hard" and the "oh i'm so sorry!"...I didn't want to hear it. Maybe I am a callous person for writing these things out...maybe not. It's how I feel though. I loathe pity. I have used every single ounce of my strength and ability to teach my child to be strong regardless of what is thrown at her...to be strong in the face of fear...to stand up and fight for what she believes in and for what she wants...to not let anything stop her...anything...especially not diabetes. I have tried to make her understand that it is healthy and perfectly ok to feel whatever feelings she has about her life...express them...get them out into the world...it's ok to ask for help...it's ok to feel weak...it's ok to feel anyway she feels. As for pity though? Pity is not something that I want her to seek or even acknowledge.
So, I took a deep breath...got myself and my emotions under control and realized that yes...she may not remember life before diabetes now...and that is ok. It doesn't mean she is any worse for the wear...it doesn't mean she is lacking in anything...it doesn't mean she is missing out...it just means she doesn't remember...it just means she is growing up right in front of my eyes...and she is becoming more and more of a strong, incredible, loving, and balanced human being.
And then Emma said, "Mommy? I don't even remember what it was like before diabetes."
Just like that....out of the blue...
I was caught off guard...I felt the tears instantly sting my eyes threatening to spill over and drip down my cheeks. It's weird because most of the time I get caught up in the monotony of diabetes and I have built up a huge sturdy wall around my heart to fend off attacks of pain or anguish...sadness and depression from this disease. Every once and a while though, things like what happened today just blast right through and send a shock to my system. It's like a reminder that I don't need and never wanted...a little jolt to that special place in my heart saved for Emma. I heard those words come out of her mouth and it made me sad. I knew that because she was only 4 years old when she was diagnosed that she probably wouldn't really remember those days forever. I knew that as she grew into an adult that those memories of the first 4 years of her life would become more hazy and more surreal until they probably just faded away into an oblivion of nothingness....becoming overshadowed by the constant that is diabetes. I knew it would happen. I've thought about it many times in the past 3+ years. I just never really knew that it would hurt my heart so much to hear those exact words fall from her lips. I never knew that the thought would ever occur to her. I never knew that it would cause me to feel such anger and such sadness. It took all of my strength to stop those cursed tears from falling...from letting her see how much her words affected me...from having to walk into the dentists office with red eyes full of sadness caused by diabetes. I didn't want to have to explain to them why I would have looked sad...I didn't want to have to share...I didn't want to see the pity on their faces...I don't want pity...I don't want the "poor you" and the "aww it must be so hard" and the "oh i'm so sorry!"...I didn't want to hear it. Maybe I am a callous person for writing these things out...maybe not. It's how I feel though. I loathe pity. I have used every single ounce of my strength and ability to teach my child to be strong regardless of what is thrown at her...to be strong in the face of fear...to stand up and fight for what she believes in and for what she wants...to not let anything stop her...anything...especially not diabetes. I have tried to make her understand that it is healthy and perfectly ok to feel whatever feelings she has about her life...express them...get them out into the world...it's ok to ask for help...it's ok to feel weak...it's ok to feel anyway she feels. As for pity though? Pity is not something that I want her to seek or even acknowledge.
So, I took a deep breath...got myself and my emotions under control and realized that yes...she may not remember life before diabetes now...and that is ok. It doesn't mean she is any worse for the wear...it doesn't mean she is lacking in anything...it doesn't mean she is missing out...it just means she doesn't remember...it just means she is growing up right in front of my eyes...and she is becoming more and more of a strong, incredible, loving, and balanced human being.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I wish I had a crystal ball
The other day I asked Emma what her blood sugar was that morning because Shawn had gotten up with her and for some reason he never remembers to write it down in her logbook...which is fine...i'm not complaining...at least he will get up with her when hes not working and I get to sleep in...i love days like that. So, anyway...I asked her what it was and she replied with, "what is YOUR number Mommy?" in a voice so eerily similar to my usual sarcastic tone, that it made me burst out laughing.
It really got me thinking though...do I ask her that too much? Is there such a thing as asking that too much? The poor kid must get so sick and tired of the number...she hears it at school from her teacher...she hears it at home from us...it never leaves her. I wonder if I am causing her to build up a resentment towards those numbers or even towards her diabetes? Or am I showing her the importance of keeping track of her BG readings and paying attention to what they actually are? Showing her that it's not just an annoying number that she has to keep track of because it's part of the routine or because Mommy and Daddy are gonna ask later....but more so that it is more than just a number...it's a clue as to what is going on inside her body at that moment in time...a piece to the diabetes puzzle that she must hold onto. It's a middle piece to the puzzle I think as well...not just one of those easy corner or end pieces that have at least one straight edge on them making it easier on you to get started on the big picture. It's a piece that when placed in the correct spot will help you tremendously...it will help you see the big picture...the other pieces will all start to fall into place once you begin to build around that number.
Sometimes I wish that I had a crystal ball where I could see into the future and find out if the things I am teaching her now about her diabetes management are going to help her or harm her when she is on her own. I wish I could know if I am going about things the right way. When you walk out of the hospital doors that first day after diagnosis, they don't hand over a manual to help you. Sure they give you all the basic information about carbs, ratios, basals, etc....but they don't tell you all of the little things that you will come across. They don't tell you about those moments where you will question yourself and doubt yourself and look at your child and wonder if you are causing them psychological damage by the things you talk about with them or teach them about. They just kind of load you down with papers and shove you out the door...so long...see ya later...good luck with all that!
I guess I will never know if I'm doing it right until the future time comes to pass. Maybe I will never know? Maybe she will be just fine...maybe she will be as well-adjusted as any other kid her age...maybe, maybe not...For now I'm just gonna sit here and cross my fingers that my gut instinct and my heart is leading me down the right path...and I will try to be more mindful about how often I ask her certain questions.
It really got me thinking though...do I ask her that too much? Is there such a thing as asking that too much? The poor kid must get so sick and tired of the number...she hears it at school from her teacher...she hears it at home from us...it never leaves her. I wonder if I am causing her to build up a resentment towards those numbers or even towards her diabetes? Or am I showing her the importance of keeping track of her BG readings and paying attention to what they actually are? Showing her that it's not just an annoying number that she has to keep track of because it's part of the routine or because Mommy and Daddy are gonna ask later....but more so that it is more than just a number...it's a clue as to what is going on inside her body at that moment in time...a piece to the diabetes puzzle that she must hold onto. It's a middle piece to the puzzle I think as well...not just one of those easy corner or end pieces that have at least one straight edge on them making it easier on you to get started on the big picture. It's a piece that when placed in the correct spot will help you tremendously...it will help you see the big picture...the other pieces will all start to fall into place once you begin to build around that number.
Sometimes I wish that I had a crystal ball where I could see into the future and find out if the things I am teaching her now about her diabetes management are going to help her or harm her when she is on her own. I wish I could know if I am going about things the right way. When you walk out of the hospital doors that first day after diagnosis, they don't hand over a manual to help you. Sure they give you all the basic information about carbs, ratios, basals, etc....but they don't tell you all of the little things that you will come across. They don't tell you about those moments where you will question yourself and doubt yourself and look at your child and wonder if you are causing them psychological damage by the things you talk about with them or teach them about. They just kind of load you down with papers and shove you out the door...so long...see ya later...good luck with all that!
I guess I will never know if I'm doing it right until the future time comes to pass. Maybe I will never know? Maybe she will be just fine...maybe she will be as well-adjusted as any other kid her age...maybe, maybe not...For now I'm just gonna sit here and cross my fingers that my gut instinct and my heart is leading me down the right path...and I will try to be more mindful about how often I ask her certain questions.
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