Questions

not sure if this would be considered a poem or not...just some thoughts running through my head today

What would you do if you felt you didn't have a choice?
Would you lie down and let the world walk all over your sunken chest?
Or would you stand tall and face the demon head on with a fake confident smile plastered on?
What would you do if you felt like you were a one woman traveling circus show?
Would you hide your sword swallowing fighter of a persona for fear of judgement?
Or would you wear your freak show style proudly?
What would you do if the ignorant masses seemed to be closing in on you...squeezing the light of joy from your eyes...robbing you of your last sweet breath of life...trampling across your free and dancing spirit?
Would you fight back...dust yourself off...and just keep marching on?
Or would you curl up in a ball in the dirt and watch your hopes...your dreams...your desires fly away in a dusty whirlwind of failure and weakness?
What would you do if someone...everyone...told you that you can't do it...told you it's impossible...told you that you will never make it?
Would you nod your poor pathetic exhausted head in agreement and shuffle off to the corner and hide there in the dark?
Or would you let their words of judgement and hatred fuel the fire within your belly...stoking the flames...gathering strength and catapulting you closer to that finish line?
What would you say to all of those sitting upon their high horses looking down upon you in judgement?
What would you say to all of those placing you in the category of not being worth their time?
What would you say to all of those floating along in life oblivious to the benefit of kindness and compassion?
I would say that I am sorry.
I'm sorry that their minds are not open.
I'm sorry that they are so lost.

Hey jealousy!!

Every once and a while I will go back and read over some of my old posts on here...and I've come to the realization that to any one outside (or maybe even inside?!) the diabetes world most likely sees me as having a bit of a problem with mood swings...lol. Some days I am upbeat and doing my best at keeping a positive outlook on things...and other days I am caught in the trenches of diabetes hell...mulling my way through some dark and depressing times and feelings. I don't really have an explanation for it or even a reasonable excuse for it other than the fact that it is really the nature of the beast. Some days with diabetes in the house are good...and others not so much.
Anyway, for some reason today I have been stuck thinking about some not so happy things. I've been finding myself slipping back into remembering those thoughts from over 3 years ago when she was diagnosed. I think it's because Emma has been invited to that sleepover birthday party. Even though she has made it quite clear that the real reason why she doesn't want to sleep there has absolutely nothing to do with diabetes...it still has gotten me thinking about those early days. About how unfair this disease is. How something so simple and normal for a kid has to be turned into this big prepared detailed worry fest. It's not fair that I can't just send my kid off to enjoy her first sleepover birthday party with friends and not think twice about her health and if she would survive the night. It's not fair that I can't just drop her off, kiss her goodbye, tell her to have a blast, and leave knowing that my only fear would be whether or not I would get that phone call from her in the middle of the night asking me to pick her up because she is too scared to sleep at a different house. It's not fair. I hate how this disease makes me jealous. I hate that feeling. I don't like how diabetes has to fight me every step of the way every second of the day. I don't like it and I don't think it's fair or right....why does it have to be my child? Why couldn't she have just had a bladder infection that day I took her to the doctor? Why couldn't the doctor have just walked into the room with the results and told me "Ahh Amy, she has a bladder infection and here is a prescription...things should be cleared up in a couple of days...good as new."...why did it have to be diabetes? Why did it have to be us? our family? my child?
If I let myself think about it too much or for too long...if I let myself get swept up in that jealousy and that angry questioning...then I fear that I will never find my way back out again. I fear that if I give in or let my wall down for even a split second too long...then it will be all over. I know...i know...it could be worse...she could have cancer...she could have died...she could have had a lot of things...but let me assure you that diabetes is no picnic...it's no walk in the park...it's far from being easy. Diabetes is like this ever present weight on your shoulders...a lot of times weighing you down so much that the pain is unimaginable...some times you find yourself so used to the weight and it's every day monotony that the it seems to have sort of lightened a bit...never really disappearing...but somehow a little lighter.
I know this moment and this dark cloud in my thinking and feelings will come to pass...it always does eventually...I'm glad that I can write this out and share this snapshot of my process in dealing with this disease...I hope that some of you can relate. I would have thought that after 3+ years of living this life that I wouldn't be dealing with feelings like this anymore...anger, jealousy, loss...but I guess I was wrong.

Sometimes you have to remember

Sometimes you have to force yourself to remember to put it all into perspective. Sometimes you have to remember that the world is not going to end if that damn blood sugar meter gives you a reading of 18.1 in the middle of the night. Sometimes you have to remember that staring at all of those tiny little black dotted holes in the tips of your baby girls fingers is not going to result in her being a depressed broken unhappy child. Sometimes you have to remember that forgetting to bring the meter to the park is not an indication that you are a horrible mother. Sometimes you have to remember that when you completely 100% fail at guessing the amount of carbs in that restaurant meal she just ate, it's ok...she's not going to hate you...she's not even going to be mad at you...it doesn't mean you suck. Sometimes you have to remember that when you sleep through your 5 alarms and don't wake up to check your daughter's blood sugar while she sleeps....it doesn't mean you are a bad Mom...it just means you are tired. Sometimes you have to remember that your world does not revolve around diabetes but rather it revolves around your love...your heart...your soul...your reason for breathing and for opening your eyes in the morning...the reason you were put on this Earth...who you were MADE to take care of...your daughter. Sometimes you have to remember that not everyone knows about or even cares to know about diabetes and how it affects your life. Don't hate them for it. Don't be annoyed with their ignorance or their inability to deal. Don't inwardly sigh and roll your eyes at the pretend look of concern or compassion on their face. Instead remember that YOU care...YOU are concerned...YOU have compassion. Remember that you can not change anyone. There is not a single person on the planet that you can change. The ONLY thing you have control over is how you yourself react to the situation...how you choose to live your life...how YOU choose to perceive things. Sometimes you have to remember that even in the seemingly darkest hours of this life...the scariest moments...the exhausting moments...the terrifying, overwhelming, lonely, and misunderstood moments...you are doing your best...and that is more than enough. Sometimes you have to remember that YOU are important...YOU are special...YOU are an individual...seperate from diabetes...seperate from wife...seperate from Mommy...YOU are important. Sometimes you have to remember that you are incredible...and that your daughter thinks the sun rises and sets because of you. Sometimes you have to remember that she loves you for who you are...and that is worth more than anything in the world.

I know you're there...

Some more poetry time


i know you're there...
lurking in the shadows
just around the corner
the cold dark shadows

i can feel you there...
making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up
my heart beats a little faster
each breath quick and nervous

i know you're there...
ominous and unwelcome
selfish thieving bully
waiting for my back to be turned so you can pounce

ready and waiting for your chance...
your moment in the spotlight
your moment to shine
your moment to steal control

i know you're there...
you're always there
watching
waiting with bated breath

a never ending stand...a duel...
the clock tower strikes high noon
and there we are again
in our usual positions

the sun glaring down
sweat dripping into my eyes
a joyful sneer upon your face
as you anticipate the fight

i know you're there...
though i wonder,
are you frightened of ME?
are you terrified of MY strength?

do you know that I AM THERE too?
do you know that I WILL WIN the final stand?
I will draw first and you will fall...
you will lose

the tumbleweeds will carry you away
off into the never ending horizon of the desert sun
as for me? well, I will smile...
finally feeling the true meaning of fate, patience, and endurance

Using diabetes as an excuse

Yesterday after school, Emma informed me that one of her friends is going to be having a birthday party soon seeing as how her actual birthday is on Halloween (lucky girl! i think that would be such a fun day to have for a birthday!) Anyway, apparently the little girl told Emma that she was definitely invited and that it was a sleepover party. In the very next breath, Emma informed me that she told her friend that she couldn't go because of "the whole diabetes thing."
I could feel my heart leap up into my throat as I heard those words come out of my daughter's mouth. I knew this day was coming. I knew sleepovers with little girls are a big thing. Hell I was a little girl once...I know how fun they are and how they are such an important part of the whole growing up and bonding with girlfriends experience. It's a big deal. I knew that the older she was getting the closer I was getting to this day. Needless to say, all of that menatl awareness and attempted stress emotional preparing I was doing really did me no good.
Rather than sit there and let diabetes win, I remained calm, cool, and collected and simply asked Emma why she felt like she couldn't go to this sleepover party "because of her diabetes?" She told me that it was because she was afraid she wouldn't know all of the carb counts for foods that she may or may not eat while there....and she didn't fully trust the birthday girl's Mom to pay close attention to lows. I stood there looking at her sweet innocent face speaking these mature and heartbreaking words. I looked at her eyes and knew I was at a crossroads here...it could go one of two ways. I could kneel down and hug her and tell her that I understood and if that is what she wanted, then I was ok with that...while secretly letting the relief wash over my pounding heart and being thankful that my child said the words she said. OR I could kneel down and hug her and tell her that we should never let diabetes stop her from doing ANYTHING that she wants to do. We should never let it run or rule any decision we make ever. It doesn't run our lives...it shouldn't have a say in what she chooses to do. We shouldn't let it win. We shouldn't let it stop her from having fun and just being a kid.

I'm sure you all know which route I chose to go.

I slammed my foot down on the gas pedal and took a right turn....I drove us onto the path of the unknown and unfamiliar and scary once again. I pulled up my big girl panties and put my seatbelt on...I made the decision once again to not let this disease stop my girl from doing what she wants. I told Emma that I would find a way to make it work...I always find a way. I told her that her main focus as a 7 year old little girl should be to have fun...go to school...learn...be kind to others...be a kid...and squeeze as much fun as she possibly can out of every single day.  That's her job...that's it. I told her that all the rest of it is MY job...the stress, the worry, the finding out carb counts, the ratios and rates, the middle of the night checks, the food, the management, the careful planning and decisions that occur on a daily basis....the worry...the stress...the stress...the stress......it's MY job as her Mommy...not her job. I hugged her and was pleased to see the weight lifted off of her shoulders and the sparkle return to her eyes.

and then she informed me that the REAL reason why she said she couldn't sleepover there was because she was scared to sleep in a house without her Mommy and Daddy there....she just used her diabetes as an excuse.....lol. I burst out laughing and hugged her again. What a kid...ingenious...to think of using her diabetes to get out of doing something already at the age of 7? classic....lol

Field trip and loud whispers of concern

This afternoon I went on a field trip with Emma's class to the symphony. At first I thought it was going to be a bit of a headache to say the least because...really?....a bunch of 7 year old's are probably not going to be too keen on sitting there in the theater listening to a bunch of songs that they do not recognize. I mean, 7 year old's fidget...they talk to each other at full volume whispers even when they are told there should be no talking, they have to go to the bathroom, ...it just seemed like a trainwreck in waiting. I would have to say that I was pleasantly surprised! The majority of the kiddos in Emma's class were really well behaved and actually enjoyed the music!
Anyway, the field trip was scheduled right after lunch and was to go through afternoon snack time. So I came prepared with my meter and granola bar for Emma (trying to find the least noisy snack in the house that she would actually eat turned out to be a little difficult...lol) I know I could have just lowered her basal for that time frame and avoided the whole snack issue...but she wanted her snack...and she has a tendency to run on the lower side in the afternoons anyway....so...snack it is! So, when the time came, I took out her meter and very discreetly checked her finger...which was a little difficult considering we have an Animas Ping and the darn meter beeps 3 times rather loudly (if there's a way to turn it down, someone please share!!) As I handed Emma her granola bar, I was met with the sound of all her friends around her whispering, "Emma? Are you low? Are you ok? do you need juice too?"
Ahhhh....my heart melted....complete and total relief and warm fuzzy feelings flew through me. That is one of my major worries about Emma's diabetes. I worry a lot about when she's older and in higher grades where she is not necessarily with only ONE or TWO teachers all day...but more like FIVE or SIX! I worry about how I would be able to explain to them the signs of lows and be reassured that they will actually remember her face in the crowd of high school and make the connection. I worry that she will get lost in the shuffle...left to wander the halls of high school alone...low and out of it...stumbling around in a stupor. Yea, I know...I worry too much...I play the "worst case scenario game" all the freakin time.
In any case, I was reassured today. I was relieved to find and hear with my own two ears that her friends know...they get it...they pay attention in their own way...they will be there for her and be concerned for her and help her. And that my dear friends is really more than I could ever hope for when it comes to the school friends aspect of living with this disease.

Thanksgiving health shenanigans

Today is Thanksgiving Day here in Canada. I've lived here for almost 11 years now and this is the one holiday that I will never get used to. I just can't get past the whole Thanksgiving BEFORE Halloween thing...it seems weird to my American born brain...my poor tired brain...lol.
Anyhoo, I always look forward to long weekends because it is nice to have that extra day to spend time with the family...just hang out, relax, and do nothing if we so choose. So, I was expecting a full weekend of lounging on the living room floor with Emma and giggling about whatever pops into her 7 year old mind. Which actually turned out to be some pretty hilarious stuff including her sitting in a laundry basket holding a stuffed toy cat and pretending she was the "Godfather"...to see the goofiness that is my child please click on this link (hopefully it works...lol) http://www.facebook.com/#!/video/video.php?v=10150409979024715
We did have the usual laughs and fun, even though our house was pretty much the health problem capital of the universe too. Emma woke up on Sunday morning complaining of a sore throat...ugh...why does it always seem to happen on Sundays or long weekend holidays? So, we went off to the walk-in clinic to get it checked out because I wasn't really in the mood to sit in the E.R. for 12 hours to have them tell me what was wrong and get a prescription. Yes, I wish I was exaggerating about the wait times...but I'm not...well, not by much in any case. I don't think I have ever had a E.R. visit wait time turn out to be less than 7 hours. So...we arrived at the clinic and the waiting room was so full that we wound up having to sit on the coffee table full of magazines from 1982. It was awesome...screaming crying kids, hacking coughing adults who for some reason were never taught to cover their mouths, and people who looked like they should not be allowed out in public without first putting on a helmet. We sat there for about an hour and a half and finally got the throat swab to tell us that she has strep throat...awesomesauce. Emma is a weird bird when it comes to ear nose and throat things because they never seem to bother her much at all...she continues to play like normal, rarely gets a fever, still has the same appetite as normal...it's odd and makes for some difficult parenting detective skills to discover what if anything is wrong with her.
ANYHOO, she was in tears disappointed because she was supposed to be going to a school friends birthday party that afternoon...not just any party either...she was going to get to wear her Halloween costume there. So, I felt horrible...I had to be the bad guy and tell her no she couldn't go because I didn't want her to spread the strep germs around the party...it just wasn't fair.
Next on the list, I woke up early that morning and had major eye pain going on...it felt like something was stuck in there really...I rinsed it out and finally went back to sleep. Woke up in the morning to discover the fabulous symptoms of pink eye...blurry vision, watery, good times. Let's see, what else can I add.....Emma scratched herself above her own eye...nice scab going there. I turned to walk upstairs and managed to turn right into the corner of the wall and banged my face and elbow...depth perception is NOT my best skill at the moment.
So, thank you for letting me rant and get this all off my chest. I am ready for this weekend to be over. I just finished off the rest of the apple pie from Thanksgiving dinner and I am about ready to put an end to this madness...lol. At least through all of this nonsense, Emma hasn't had any ketones. Blood sugars got as high as 21.5 last night...but no ketones. I am thankful even in the midst of this chaos. I love the pump. I love the temp basal feature. I love that there were no ketones in the mixture of this madness.
Oh yea, one other positive happened that is helping me not be angry at the health issues piling on and instead laugh....we made an old school fort in the living room today. We giggled, we took pictures, we played Barbies, and we even got the cat to come in there. No Daddy though...no boys were allowed according to Emma...:o)