The Wonderful Wizard of Walmart

As much as I dislike going there, I am one of those people that seems to always be going to Walmart. The place drives me nuts! It's always busy...full of a special breed of people wandering the aisles with their screaming children and leaving their carts in the middle of everything making it impossible for you to get by without moving their cart for them resulting in you being on the receiving end of getting the infamous "stink eye" for touching their cart. Going there on a weekend is pretty much pure self torture. In any case, they sure do make it convenient one stop shopping now. I am the type who will usually wind up needing the most random of things all at the same time...like strawberries, a birthday present for Emma's friend, some toilet bowl cleaner, cat food, and a new swim suit for Emma. I don't know anywhere else really that I can find all of those things at the same place for relatively cheap...so off to Walmart I go. I thought I was smart this time though and I decided to go after I picked Emma up from school on Friday. We parked the car in the first open spot which happened to be in the back field...back where the crows are circling overhead...waiting and watching you...crows are creepy. Anyhoo, we began our trek up to the store chatting away about Emma's day at school...the sun was shining...it was a beautiful day. As we approached the doors, I was mentally gearing myself up for the masses of stupid people about to bombard me. Much to my surprise....the place was fairly quiet! However, the smell of pure sugar hit us like a brick wall as soon as we entered the wonderful world of Walmart. They had a table set up out front and were selling bags of bright pink and blue cotton candy for charity. Yes, as I was preparing myself mentally for the crowd and mapping out my yellow brick road-type route in my head of the quickest way in and out of the store....I should have been thinking of excuses for NOT buying a $2 bag of cotton candy. UGH. Emma instantly began the begging routine...."PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MOMMY? Can I PLEASE have some cotton candy??? It's ONLY $2!! PLEASE??? I won't ask for ANYTHING else for the rest of my life if you just PLEASE buy me some cotton candy??" Double UGH. That is the one "food" item I have yet to let Emma have since diabetes. I live in Canada and at our clinics here we are told upon diagnosis that they are allowed to eat absolutely anything they would have eaten (ate?) before...I just need to count the carbs and give the necessary insulin to cover it. It works out just fine for us. However, I have always been leary of the whole cotton candy situation...I mean it's pure sugar...that's all it is...straight sugar...I picture the roller coaster climb to a high and the lightening fast drop to a low after eating it. So, I have never done it...luckily she has never asked for it either...until last Friday! I thought I would just ignore the begging and keep on my yellow brick road path of the store and see if she would drop it. That was a big NO. She continued on and on and on....so finally I had to say no. I have no problem telling her no. I just wasn't sure about using the diabetes as a reason for the no. So, i told her that it was too close to supper and she already had her afternoon snack...so no...we wouldn't be getting any cotton candy today. She was heart broken....I felt like crap...wanting to cry every time we walked past a little kid happily munching away on some with pink and blue fluffy cotton candy stuck to his face. It made me mad. I wish my kid could do that too. What do ya do though...another obstacle climbed and passed over to the best of our ability at the time. Curse you Walmart...and yer little friend, Cotton Candy too!!!
On a positive note, we went out for dinner tonite and I had to guess the carbs completely on absolutely everything Emma ate. Two hours later...she was a nice even 7.6 (136 for those in the states)...awesome! I love when I guess right. It was a good day.

Chicken Pox finger people and Worm Weddings

Do you all remember that little hand gesture you learned when you were a kid? No, I'm not talking about the old classic "flipping the bird" at someone either...lolol. I'm talking about that one where you put your hands together with the backs of your hands touching together and interlace your fingers...and then you do the little saying, "Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and see all the people"...you know the one, right? I hope so, otherwise I am probably sounding like a complete weirdo right about now. Anyhoo, I showed it to Emma quite a while ago...and true to form the novelty wore off and she forgot about it until just recently. She's been doing it ALL the time again lately. So, there we were yesterday goofing around after dinner like our usual selves and she starts in doing it again. "Here's the church...here's the steeple...open the doors...and SEE ALL THE PEOPLE!"...and as she was wiggling her "people" around she said to me, "Mommy? Look...all of my people have the chicken pox...except for those short little pinky people...they're all good." I had no idea what she was talking about until I actually looked down at her hands. There they were, all the wonderful "people" wiggling away...and the chicken pox turned out to be little marks from all of the thousands of finger pokes Emma has had over the years. The short pinky sized people were "pox free" though because to this day my daughter refuses to let me check her blood sugar using her pinky. I can't say that I blame her...it's such a small little finger!

Anyway, I found this little discovery sort of funny. I mean I poke her fingertips with a needle multiple times a day every single day, I see her hands to make sure she has washed them after she comes inside from playing in the mud digging up pails full of worms (so she can name them and create a worm city...she even made two worms get married one time...check out her pile o' worms from last fall to the left..lol..what an imagination!)...and I am positive I have noticed all the little marks on her fingertips before. I just found it interesting I think that she has never mentioned anything about it until now. She has never once complained about them hurting. She has never once said that she doesn't like how all of the pokes are there. She might not even notice them anymore I suppose....until she decided to sing a little rhyme and do the hand gestures that go with it. Diabetes can be LOUD and in your face a lot of times like during repeated lows or highs or illnesses...but I find it funny how it can also be quiet and sneak up on ya and become a part of the "chicken pox people" in the "church" that is Emma's hands.

It's 2:00am...where the heck is Marty McFly??

I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of being tired.
Here I sit at 2:00 in the friggin morning...waiting to see if Emma's blood sugar will go up from her current 4.6 (82 for those in the US). She already had one low today (yesterday I guess at this point) at lunch time...and now we are apparantly having our second one. I guess that's my big red flag to lower her lantus tomorrow morning. I hate this disease. I was ok today with the low...but for some reason tonight it is getting to me. I'm feeling beat down...exhausted...conquered by the monster. I don't do well with losing the fight. It makes me sad. Sad for Emma. Sad that this is her life. Sad that I see tons of other kids out at school or the store or park or wherever...and they are all just living so carefree...and here is my little girl. Yes, she is asleep at the moment...all tucked in bed nice and warm with her mountain of stuffed animals around her...oblivious to what is going on inside her body. I would give anything to take this away from her.
I think back to the first 4 years of her life before she was diagnosed...I was so naive. I would like to kick that version of me in the ass and say things like "What the hell are you stressing out about her having diaper rash for? Why are you so worried that she fell on the sidewalk and skinned her knee? Why are you letting a minor inconvenience during the day bother you so much? You have NO idea how bad it could be! You have NO idea how stressful your life will soon become! You have NO idea how easy you have it right now!" I know that I can't go back in time and shout at my former self...unless I happen to find Michael J Fox and borrow his time traveling Dalorean. Shouting at my former self would do no good anyway...I know me and I wouldn't truly understand it until I lived through it anyway.
So, here I am once again...tears falling in the wee hours of the morning...stomach in knots with worry...afraid to go to sleep. I wish I could make people understand. I wish I could share this brand of worry and stress and sadness for the loss of my daughters functioning pancreas. I wish I could share it with powerful people who have a lot of money to spare and make them understand how important it is to find a cure and educate the world. I wish I could bottle this feeling in my heart...the heaviness and despair...the sheer panic and worry for my daughter's life now and in the future. I would give it all to these people just to make them see...to make them understand how important it is...how much we need this.
I try not to give away too many of my tears to diabetes. It doesn't deserve my tears. Sometimes my traitor eyes give them up anyway though. I just want our old life back so badly that it hurts me to my core! I'm tired of doing this. I'm over it already. I just want it to go away and stop picking on us. Stop picking on my kid. I just want to sleep...and not be afraid to actually go to sleep. Sleep is such a simple thing...and yet diabetes takes it away from me yet again. I'm so tired of being afraid.

Sometimes I think my kid belongs in a loony bin!

There must be something in the air today. Emma and I drove to school (well, technically I was the one driving...just thought I would clarify...no, I do not let my 7 year old drive the car yet...lolol) and as we rounded the path to the back playground of the school where everyone lines up...we were immediately confronted with a load of students running around like crazy people screaming and laughing...arms flailing, backpacks flying...pure chaos! Not to be outdone, my child decided to join in the fun and apparantly have a morning sprint with some friends and sream at the top of her lungs. At first I thought it was pretty funny...there I was standing (with most of the other adults) off to the side...bleary eyed, half alseep, wishing I had a cup of coffee in me already...watching the lunatic children as if they were caged animals at the zoo who had finally figured out a way to escape and take over the place. Once I got my bearings about me though, I started to worry...this is completely not normal behavior for my kid this early in the morning...is this going to cause a low blood sugar before lunchtime? I had given her the exact same breakfast as yesterday...the exact same insulin...everything was all good...all set for a repeat performance of yesterdays numbers please and thank you. Well, all of this extra morning activity certainly threw a monkey wrench into my master plan! Who came up with that cliche by the way? Who would ever throw an actual monkey wrench into something other than a typically violent individual who most certainly must be a little off their rocker? HA! There's another funny cliche or phrase..."off their rocker"...lolol...I love cliches!
Anyhoo, I've gotten off topic and a little distracted by my cliche extravanganza again....so, there I stood watching my loony tunes daughter and the rest of the kids, wondering what I should do. I could have pulled her aside and told her to stop running around...or I could have pulled her aside and made her eat a little something before the bell rang...or I could just let it go and see what happens because she usually has a tendency to run on the higher side in the mornings anyway. I chose option 3.
I should have listened to my gut though once again...I should have given her something extra to eat because when I picked her up for lunch she was only 2.6. Live and learn I suppose! I don't know why I'm not really bothered by this low...why I'm not more nervous for the afternoon numbers seeing as how her ratios and correction factors at lunch worked out to her not needing ANY insulin at all...but I'm not worried. I don't have that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's just not there. It's times like these that make me really believe that we have some sort of guardian angel up there watching us and making sure things go as smoothly as possible. Maybe it's just my Mommy instincts kicking in? Maybe it's the angel? Either way...I'm feeling ok with the whole day. Can't wait to see if the girl is still off her rocker this afternoon when I pick her up at the end of the day....should make for an interesting evening in any case!

It's nice to feel appreciated

The other day Emma told me that she doesn't ever want to have a kid with diabetes. She said it totally out of the blue. We weren't even talking about anything diabetes related. We were just driving home from somewhere and she blurted it out from the back seat. My first reaction was to laugh because hearing a 7 year old talk about being a Mom herself one day is always a cute and funny thing. I was curious to find out why though...so I asked her. She told me that it would be too hard...she would never be able to sleep, she would always have to be giving needles, or finger pokes, or counting carbs, or worrying about how they feel. Huh...and here I thought she never really gave what I do a second thought. Here I thought she didn't really pay too much attention to what I have to do for her every day. I assumed she was just kind of going with the flow and figured this all was just normal and part of my job and it couldn't really be that hard or that much work. I think this is the closest I got to her actually thanking me for taking care of her...the closest I got to her vocalizing, in so many words, that she appreciates what I do for her every day. I have to admit, it felt good. I'm not saying AT ALL that my kid is not usually greatful or appreciative....because she is. She is very good about even thanking me for getting her a refill on her glass of water, or buying her some new rain boots, or letting her have friends over to play. I can honestly say though, that she has never really thanked me or shown me that she appreciates me when it comes to the diabetes stuff. It made me feel good. It made me happy. I told her that I wouldn't trade her for the world...diabetes and all. I told her that I would never sleep again if I had to...I would stay up forever to take care of her and make sure she was safe. I will continue to do all that I can to take care of her no matter what. I will continue to do the needles and finger pokes and math, and worrying and stress. I will do these things for the rest of my life for her...or until a cure is found...simply because I love her...simply because she is my baby girl...my heart, my soul, and my world. She got a huge smile on her face then...and we just continued our drive home. I am glad that I have learned to hang on to those little moments in life. The car rides home, the giggles sitting on the couch together, the walk from the car to the grocery store holding her hand in mine...they mean the world to me.

A Day at the Park with diabetes

So, this is the last weekend of March Break for Emma. This afternoon we decided to make the most of it and go to the park to meet up with her Aunt and Uncle and 2 little cousins for some fun. My nephews are 3 and nearly 1 year old. Emma and the 3 year old ran around playing and climbing on everything and just having a great time together. They get along so well and I think it is absolutely adorable to see them walking together when Emma has her arm around his shoulder. It's so special to me that she has such a great bond with him. I always know that if Emma is ever having a bad day or is upset about something, that I can start talking with her about her little cousin and it will always put a smile on her face and make her giggle.
Anyway, once the playing was done and we all decided to call it a day and head home...Emma and I started walking down the path back to our car. At first she was uncharacteristically quiet...just shuffling along holding my hand. I looked down at her and I could see the wheels turning...she was thinking of something that was obviously bothering her. Instead of asking her what was wrong, I gave her a minute to sort things out in her head and let it out if she wanted to. Well, she did...she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said she was scared. I asked her what was scaring her and she took a deep breath and said to me that she was scared of the needle for the pump...and the tears immediately spilled over her beautiful eyelashes. My heart sank to my feet and I knelt down beside her...I put my arms around her little body and hugged her. I didn't say a word. Not because I didn't want to comfort her...but simply because I couldn't...I couldn't speak...I was choking back my own tears and there was a huge lump in my throat that I was fighting. I didn't want her to see me cry over this. I didn't want her to see that I am scared too. I want her to think that I am confident...I want her to know that even if she is completely frightened of this whole thing, that she can ALWAYS count on me to be strong...she can always count on me to be right there beside her...to be her rock...her strength when she needs it...to be brave enough for both of us when she doesn't feel like she can be. So, I knelt there and held her and let her cry for a minute. Then I pulled back and looked in her beautiful brown eyes and put my hands on her little 7 year old shoulders....and I told her it was ok...it was ok for her to be scared...it was ok to be nervous and worried and stressed...whatever she is feeling about the whole situation is ok. I told her that we will do this...we will handle it and we will be ok. Whatever comes our way with this whole pump process, we will take it one step at a time...and we will be ok...we will make it. She hugged me again and told me she loved me and then took off running down the path again wanting me to chase her...giggling away.

Diabetes is hard.

Yea, I felt that last sentence meant enough that it deserved to be it's own paragraph. I had a glimpse today at what diabetes is doing to my kid mentally and emotionally. Seeing her beautiful little face...the sun shining down on her...walking through a place that is supposed to be all about kids running around, laughing, playing, swinging and climbing, having fun, and just being a kid. Yes, she did do all of those things just hours before the tears....but I would give anything for her not to have to even worry about something like this. Thankfully she didn't give diabetes too many of her tears today. I suppose this is just one more of the stepping stones on our new path of type 1 diabetes...the pump path. I think I should have brought my GPS for this journey.

I need to Pump up the Jam already

I'm scared.
I'm nervous.
I'm worried.
I'm doubting myself and my abilities.
A few months ago, my daughter finally decided that she wants a pump. She is ready. She wants the freedom. She wants to eat when she wants to eat. She wants to live a more normal life. I don't blame her one bit. This life with diabetes is hard to say the least. She just wants things to be a little easier and less regimented. I want the same thing. That doesn't take away my fear though. I know in my heart that the pump is the best thing for her. I know that it will happen. The day will come that I will be putting my faith in a little machine to keep her alive. I know that I will be the one telling the machine what to do to keep her alive, but still. We are almost 3 years into this and even though we do still have the ups and downs and struggles...I feel like I do have some sort of comfort and confidence in my abilities. I am scared to start all over. I'm worried that I will make mistakes and hurt her. I'm worried that we will go through the whole process and get the pump and it will be too hard to handle and I will want to give up and go back to needles. I'm scared that I will disappoint her. I'm scared that she will actually see me fail and she will hate me for it. I'm scared that I won't be able to do it.
Of course I am going to do it though. I'm her Mom and I want her life to be easier and I want her to be healthy and reduce the risk of complications. I want her to have more freedom. I want her to feel more like a normal kid. I want her to be able to stay outside playing as long as the rest of the kids in the neighbourhood and not have to chase her down and force her to eat a snack or a meal because "it's that time!" I can handle the constant checking in the beginning. I can handle the lack of sleep. I can handle the stress and the worry and the panic. I won't like it....but I will do it. I will do it for her. Because she is my little girl and I love her more than any words could ever express.
We had an Animas pump Rep come out to our house this past Wednesday to show us some more about the Ping. She was really very nice and patient and helpful. She asked me when i was hoping to start Emma on the pump. I had it decided in my head that I would rather start the whole pump thing in the summer because then she would be with me and i could keep a better eye on her while learning how to live life with a pump. I was worried about starting it and sending her off to school. The Rep told me that in her opinion she would probably start it sooner rather than later. She explained that it would be easier to start it during the school year because there is more of a routine to Emma's day then...wake up, breakfast, school, recess, etc. Summer is more of a random daily routine thing. I get that. I completely understand her point. So, here I sit...trying to convince myself to just jump in with both feet, which is totally not my personality...i've posted before about how I am the kind of kid who tip toes and inches her way into the water at the beach or pool to "get used to the water". I want to follow Nike's advice and Just do it...start right away. Trying to make myself believe that I am strong enough to handle all of that stress during school. I'm not sure if I'm winning or losing the argument in my head.
Emma wants to start it right away. She doesn't want to wait. She's ready now. How do I win my inner battle and convince myself that I can do this? I think it all boils down to one thing for me. Emma was diagnosed at the end of June '08....she started junior kindergarten in the beginning of Sept. '08. I was petrified to send her off to school. She is my only child...she was never in daycare or at a babysitter...she was with me from day one. School was the first place she was ever without me all day long. So, adding that new diagnoses on top of it all....well, honestly...it nearly broke me. I spent those first few weeks in a total state of constant panic and stress. I would carry the cordless phone and my cell phone around with me everywhere I went in the house...just waiting for it to ring and be her school calling to tell me they had to call an ambulance for her. The whole experience changed me. It changed my whole system. It scarred me for life. Even sitting here typing about it is making me get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach...just remembering that time and that panic. How am I going to be able to go back to that deep dark place of worry and despair again? How am I going to willingly sign up for that sort of self-torture? How am I going to do it? How am I going to survive that feeling again? I have pushed it down so far and rarely ever think about that particular moment in time anymore. Now I feel like I should be grabbing a shovel so i can start digging it all up again to prepare myself for the road we are about to embark on. I've never been a fan of purposely signing up for that type of guaranteed stress. I'm scared. I will do it...but I'm scared. Thanks for listening to me rant.