Happy 100 and a trip to the grocery store!!

Can I get a drumroll please?! Yes this is my 100th post..woohoo!! I can't believe I haven't run out of things to say yet. This time, I think I would like to talk about one particular aspect of diabetes that is a thorn in my side. Yesterday, I had to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things...water, fruit, pretzels, and whatever impulse item I could find. As I was strolling along pushing the cart up and down the aisles...I started actually noticing the price of things as opposed to solely focusing on the carb counts in them. Don't get me wrong, we are by no means rich...so it's not like price doesn't matter to me at all...it's just that diabetes usually pushes and shoves it's way to the front of my mind in the grocery store making me consider carb counts first. I grabbed a bag of grapes because it is a quick, tasty, and easy snack for my daughter to have at school. It wasn't a gigantic bag...it wasn't a teeny tiny bag...to borrow a phrase from Goldilocks, it was just right. On I continued passing by the chips/candy aisle...I noticed a huge display of party-size bags of M&M's on sale for $1.99...they had regular M&M'S, peanut, dark chocolate, and those new ones with pretzels inside. It was a mountain of M&M goodness...all for the low low price of $1.99. I hadn't gone in to the store looking to buy M&M's, but I couldn't pass up such a good deal! I grabbed a bag and tossed them in the cart. Well, I finished up my tour of the store and went to the front to check out and get home. I always go to the checkout lanes set up were you can scan your own items and avoid the whole cashier/bagboy business. I am really not an anti-social person...I just seem to always wind up in the checkout lane where the cashier and bagboy are having some deep discussion about who likes who and what went on last night at the club...and I wind up standing there waiting for them to finish...waiting and waiting and waiting...ugh. So, anyway...I started scanning my items and happened to notice that my bag of grapes came up as $5.50. WOAH....i was paying $5.50 for some nice healthy tasty grapes....and $1.99 for a gigantor bag of M&M's??? Insanity. I understand that fruit is a seasonal thing and they have to base the prices accordingly...but seriously??? $5.50?? How can the powers that be expect the average shmo like myself to eat healthy and buy healthy foods for my family when the cost of healthy foods is that much MORE than the junk? As the parent of a diabetic child, I am always on the hunt for healthy alternatives that are lower carb and are going to make her blood sugar stay level for longer. I know that she is able to eat absolutely anything she wants...candy, cookies, ice cream...whatever...but I wouldn't let her do that all the time even if she wasn't diabetic. So, there I stood... staring at the computer screen at the checkout...mouth hanging open...thinking about how ridiculous this world is. The media loves to shove down our throats the fact that we are all obese and lazy couch potatoes and so are our children. Our schools are hell bent on promoting healthier eating to the point of sending home a news letter each month from the principal that usually includes a recipe for some "healthy" alternative for a snack or whatever....all the while still having designated "pizza days" that include ice cream desserts for the kids.
I am a firm believer in letting kids be kids. Regardless of if they are diabetic or not. I think they should be allowed to have their pizza days, enjoy a cookie now and again, get to have a lazy movie or boardgame night once and a while. I also believe that it should be everything in moderation. We ALL need to eat balanced...fruits and veggies as well as the occasional handful of M&M's. However, I am completely dismayed at how difficult and expensive it is to include those healthy foods in our lives. Give us a break! Make fruits and veggies a tad more reasonable and try to help the situation! UGH...sorry for ranting about this...it is just so frustrating to me...and so ridiculous. In celebration of my 100th post, I am now going to open previously discussed bag of M&M's and eat the entire thing....and include a single grape in there too. Just for balance...lolol...cause it's all I can afford.

Freaky Friday!!...er wait...I mean Monday!!

Maybe it's because yesterday was my birthday and in 6 days it will be my daughters birthday, but I have been thinking a lot about that movie "Freaky Friday." I remember the original version with Jodi Foster that I saw for the first time back in the olden days when my main concern  was who I was going to play with outside and if we could get enough money off of our parents to buy some candy. I have also seen the newer-ish version with Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis, which my daughter now loves to watch as well. I know in that version the Mom and daughter are eating dinner at a Chinese food restaurant and wind up reading the fortunes in their cookies which somehow have a spell on them that switches the Mom and daughter the following morning. Well, as I stated in my last post...we ate at a Chinese restaurant for my birthday last night too. When it came time for the fortune cookies at the end of the meal, I sat there thinking how fantastic would it be if the whole "Freaky Friday" movie concept could actually be a reality. I could go back to being a 6 yr old kid again...spending my days in first grade...playing with toys, getting carried places when my legs got too tired to walk out at the store, getting super stoked when someone decides to take me to Dairy Queen for some ice cream. Ahh...all of that would be so cool! However, I would really only want to make that switch for one main reason...to have my daughter be able to switch to a body that has a functioning pancreas. So she could have diabetes removed from her life...letting her be carefree and eat what she wants...when she wants. I would do anything for that. As I sit here thinking about it though, I am 99.9% positive that Emma would not want to make the switch (can't say that I blame her really!)...what 6 yr old would all of the sudden want to become 34?? Even with the knowledge that she would no longer be the diabetic one, I think she would choose NOT to make the switch. She is a very independant and strong willed girl which makes me happy. I like the fact that she will stand up for herself and what she thinks is right. I think diabetes has made her more tough than she normally would have been and that is a good thing.
In any case, we ate our fortune cookies...read our fortunes...and not a single thing happened. I am still me, and she is still herself. On a side note, I would like to mention that as usual my wish when blowing out the candles is for a cure. So if later on today, Anderson Cooper comes on CNN and announces a cure has been found...you are all welcome... ;o)

My birthday wishes

Well, today is my birthday! I am 34 years old. Not one of those milestone birthdays by any means...however, I have been having a few moments throughout the day today that went a little something like this...."34??? How in the world did this happen???" I remember when my parents were 34....and now here I sit. My wishes for the day included sleep, coffee, not having to cook dinner, and for Emma's blood sugars to be decent. You know you're old WHEN, right?!
I knew I was reaching for the stars when I put sleep on the top of my list, so I wasn't too disappointed when it didn't happen. I think that is the #1 rule for diabetes...don't ever let them sleep...keep them in a constant state of alert. Thanks for scratching that one off the list diabetes!
I was successful with #2 on my list...coffee...and lots of it!! I think the lady at the Tim Horton's drive-thru was starting to wonder if i was lost or something and just kept making a continuous loop to grab another coffee.
I also won out and got #3 on my list! My husband and daughter took me out for chinese buffet for dinner. It was yummy, I ate like a pig, and i loved every minute of it. One thing happened there though that sort of put a tiny black mark on that item on my wishlist. When we were sitting there eating our desert, the hostess came over and tried to seat a man and woman (appeared to be in their 60's) at a table next to ours. The woman looked over at Emma, gave her a nasty look (we like to refer to it as "the hairy eyeball"), and declared in a loud voice, "Can't you seat us at a table away from any kids?!" Nice...sometimes old people suck. My daughter is going to be 7 next week...she's not one of those kids that climbs all over the table...she doesn't scream and cry, she doesn't throw her food around. She's a good kid...very well behaved and polite. I have gotten so used to the prejudices associated with diabetes over the years, that this is really the first time that I have experienced the typical "kid prejudices." Sort of an odd feeling really. I was angry that she was so loud about it and that she assumed my kid was going to be a nuisance. My daughter made it better though by making me laugh hysterically....she asked me if I wanted her to go walk over to the table this couple did eventually sit at and just stand there staring at them...the whole while having her finger up her nose. LOLOL I love my kid's sense of humour.
Finally #4 on my wishlist was not so successful. Her numbers weren't horrible...but they weren't good all day either. Such is life though (woohoo for cliches). I am greatful to have had a great day. I'm greatful that i have made it to 34. I'm greatful to have such a fantastic and hilarious daughter who loves me. I am a lucky girl and I think I will go make good on wish #1 soon...sleep is going to be mine!

Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device

I despise the constant feeling of worry in my gut. Last night was no bag of fun at my house. Emma went to bed at her usual time, blood sugar level was ok, no problems at all. I sat down on the couch to enjoy "my stories" on TV...lol...I watched "Grey's Anatomy" and then the morally sound, high class, intellectually stimulating "Jersey Shore". Please don't judge me....I know the show is ridiculous...but living a life with diabetes in the house, it is just nice to watch Snookie and friends act like morons. It makes me forget my stresses and worries for an hour. Shortly following the hijinx of Snookie, Emma started whimpering and crying in bed. I know this because as I have mentioned before..I still have a baby monitor in her room (thanks diabetes). So, I went up to check on her and find out what was wrong. I thought possibly a bad dream or belly ache or something? Well, no...between sobs she told me that her feet hurt...they were stinging actually. My first thought was panic...then a little bit of guilt...then worry. I thought it was probably nerve damage or nerve issues due to her diabetes and the fact that I have been struggling to get her numbers down in the afternoons lately. I immediately paid for my ticket and hopped on board the plane for my guilt trip. Thank goodness I am a frequent flyer of this flight and I could use my reward miles to get a good deal. Anyway, I calmed Emma down and sat there on her bed rubbing her feet until she said they felt better. Back to sleep for her..back downstairs for me to try and find some more quality programming on TV or go on facebook...or whatever I could find to waste away my evening with as little brain function as possible. I wanted to "veg out" as the young folks say. Well, about an hour and a half went by and Emma began crying again! Back upstairs to find her crying and saying her feet hurt again. Repeated the entire process all over again...including my repeat guilt trip visit to It's-My-Fault-Town with a layover in I'm-A-Crappy-Mom-Ville. Well, to make a long story short...this happened one more time last night. 3 times in total...just enough to make that liquid fire burning sensation go from my stomach to my heart and back again. Was this diabetes related? Was it just a fluke? Was it because she had a really busy day? Was it a growth spurt? Were her feet just asleep? Is it my fault? Am I harming my child because I am sucking it big time trying to get afternoon numbers to come down?
Fast forward a few hours to this morning...she woke up a little bit higher than normal...and had moderate ketones. WTF? She is not sick...nothing else is wrong...feet were not hurting anymore...ugh. So, I gave her breakfast and extra insulin to get rid of ketones...also got her to drink a bunch of water. Here I sit....at the computer, waiting 1 hour and 25 min. until I can get her at school for lunch...till I can see her face and make sure she is ok...till I can check her BG...till I can check and make sure ketones are gone. I hate this feeling in my gut...worry, stress, panic, despair for my kid's health in the future. I am so jealous of people who can just send their kids off to school without a second thought as to if they will come home alive at 3:00 in the afternoon. I hate being jealous. I'm tired.

Forest Gump...you old smarty pants!!

I'm a big fan of cliches...I use them whenever i get the opportunity actually. One of my favorites is definitely Forest Gump's "life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get." Ahh Forest, truer words were never spoken (wait...did I just comment on a cliche by using another cliche?...and is "truer" an actual word?) Our lives really are like that box of assorted chocolates. Sometimes we have amazing things happen...i.e. finding the love of our lives, having children, winning free chicken wings for a year at the Montana's restaurant down the street. All good things comparable to choosing that piece of chocolate and biting into it to discover the ooey gooey caramel goodness that is your favorite. Of course with the good will always come the bad (HA! another cliche!!) i.e. losing your job, getting a speeding ticket, tripping as you are walking up the stairs as a crowd of people are walking down said stairs causing you to begin running up stairs to make it look like this was all intentional...like you all of the sudden decided to begin stair running half way up...just cause. These things are all comparable to choosing your piece of chocolate, biting into it, and finding that disgusting orange filled center...or the coconut creamy yuckiness. Yes, I know, some people really like the orange or the coconut filled chocolates...not me....to each his own i say (WOOHOO! yet another cliche!) Diabetes sort of goes along with this whole cliche concept too...some days are filled with the yummy delicious treats of good blood sugars every single time you check, no crazy spikes or drops over night, never hitting a blood vessel causing a bloody mess (literally) when you give an injection to your kid. Other days are filled with bite after bite of the gross disgusting "treats" (I use those quotation marks loosely) of continual high blood sugars that after a while, make you feel like someone must have swapped out the insulin cartridge with a vial of water, or low blood sugars all day and night long making you question for just a moment if your child has somehow cured themselves of their diabetes, or the exhausting and mind numbing nights/wee hours of the morning that go along with stomach viruses.
So, yes Forest Gump....you are correct...life really is like a box of chocolates. I'd like to place my order right now for a box filled with my favorite peanut butter filled chocolates. Please and thank you.

Floating blood sugars and snow angels

Today was a teacher workday...so Emma had off of school. We actually had a ton of snow fall last night, so I think that it probably would have been a snow day anyway. We decided to make the most of the day and go out and play in the snow! After spending half an hour putting all of the required snow gear on...coats, hats, mittens, snowpants, etc...we ventured outside. My neighbour rocks and actually plowed our driveway today, so we were free from shoveling and decided to grab the sleds and go sledding down the big hill in our backyard. It was a blast! Just the two of us racing down the hill and running back up...laughing and screaming the whole time. It's weird how a bunch of snow will do that to you...no matter what age you are...if there's a decent snowfall out, we all let that 7 year old kid in us come out and run the show. Sledding, making snow angels, snowmen, snowball fights.....it's the best. Why can't we as adults be like this more often? Why does it take snow to make us remember how much happier and fun life can be acting like a kid?
Anyway, as we were going up and down the hill, I got to thinking....remember that Nickelback video "Savin Me"? There is a man walking around the city and he sees a timer counting down above everyone's head that signifies how much time they have left to live. I actually am NOT a Nickelback fan at all...but I really like that video. So, there I was freezin my bum off sitting in the snow at the top of the hill..watching Emma fly down on her sled, screaming the whole way. Of course diabetes was sitting right there next to me...kicking snow up in my face just to make sure I still remembered it was there. Like I could ever forget! I sat there thinking how great would it be if there could be a little number floating above Emma's head showing me what her current blood sugar was. All the activity of sledding and playing, the cold weather and snow, all of the factors coming into play in her body. It would be nice to just be able to look up at her and see where she was at. I know that's what the meter is for...but life would just be so much easier if it was right there floating above her head. I wouldn't have to sit there wondering...does she look pale? does she look lethargic? is she low? should I check her? I could just look at her...see the 5.2 perfection and keep sliding down the snowhill. Imagine how freaky that would be to the average Joe who knows nothing about diabetes and walked by us in the cereal aisle at the grocery store though!  Ahh....the stuff that skips through my mind sometimes....lolol.

Like a thief in the night

There are a few spots in our little corner of the world in which Emma seems to do her best thinking. The back seat of the car, lying in bed before she falls asleep, and in the bath. I've mentioned before that my kid is sort of a chatterbox and I'll admit...sometimes it gets to the point where all it sounds like to me is that "wah wah wah wah" sound that Charlie Brown's teacher makes on the Snoopy cartoons. Yea yea I'm a bad Mommy...I should listen more carefully to what my kid is saying all the time...lolol...but seriously, the girl loves to talk ALL the time! In any case, I have learned in the past almost 7 years that when she is in one of her particular "good thinking" spots...that I need to definitely pay attention, cause she is really needing to unload. She's needing to get all these thoughts out and feelings out and is looking to me for some reassurance.
So, last night while she was sitting in the bath she had something to say. "So, Mommy? When I am a teenager, do you think I will be like my brother and not talk to you or Daddy...and just be boring...and not want to play or do anything?" I have a stepson who is with us every other weekend and he is going to be 13 this April. He's already begun acting like the stereotypical teenager. Anyway, I told Emma that I didn't know how she would be. I told her that I hope she doesn't act that way. I hope that she still would want to talk to me and spend time with us...but I have no idea if that is how it will be. I told her that most teenagers find their parents pretty dorky and get embarassed by them. I did tell her that no matter what...she can't ever stop talking to me about her diabetes. No matter if she thinks I am dorky...or hates being around me...or whatever...she still will ALWAYS have to talk to me about her diabetes. She told me, "Aww Mommy....I will never think you are dorky! I want to talk to you ALL the time!" She is amazing....I love her so much it is just crazy.
Of course i always think about how much I wish she wasn't diabetic. On the other hand though, I am greatful that it has made her and I so close. I don't know if we would be as close if we didn't have to deal with diabetes every day. I can honestly say that I have never felt as connected to someone in my entire life. I know the Mommy/daughter bond is there...but I think diabetes has just made it a million times stronger. She is my world.
Sometimes...when I let my guard down...diabetes slips in like a thief in the night and makes my heart feel like it's being crushed for wanting a cure SO badly. It hurts more than anything I've ever felt. I try to block it out...and usually I can....but once and a while, it slips in and hurts as bad as it did that first day when I had to tell her she was diabetic.
Maybe there will be a cure before she's actually a teenager...then we can just live the normal fun-filled life with a teenager. Now there's something to hope for!!