Feeling like a failure

So, yesterday I posted a picture on my Facebook showing my daughter's blood sugar of 20.8 (374 for those of you in the US). It wasn't pretty. Ever since June 26, 2008, the day of diagnosis...I have never been able to figure out how to properly bolus her for Subway. I have tried combo boluses, temp basals, overestimating the carbs that are stated in the nutrition guide. I've tried it all....and it doesn't work...without fail she always winds up being high hours later. To say it's frustrating would be the understatement of the century.

In any case, that is not the point of this post. A friend of mine commented on the picture thanking me for making her feel less alone and like she was not a failure. Her comment really struck a chord with me. It made my heart hurt to know that this Mom and probably millions of other Mom's and Dad's out there at some point in their lives with diabetes feel like they are failures because of an ugly blood sugar number. I think a lot of the time, people have a tendency to post online about the good numbers...the victories in this fight. We want to share the happy numbers because we are proud of ourselves and our kids and we want to show the world that we CAN do this and we CAN be good psuedo pancreases. By no means am I saying that there is anything wrong with that. I do it too! I love sharing the victories. I love the feeling I get when we have had a particularly busy day...gymnastics and birthday parties and crazy weather and growth spurts and I still manage to get a good blood sugar number after it all. It makes me feel like I am in control of this and that I can do anything. I think it's important to share those moments with others because I think it might give them hope and it might make them believe in themselves a little bit more too.

I do think though that sharing the ugly numbers is just as important. I look at some people and I think to myself...wow...they really seem to have it all together in the pancreating skills department. When I really should step back for a minute and realize that they too have ugly numbers...they don't get it right everytime...they screw up too. They are just like me. It doesn't matter how many days, weeks, months, or years they have under their diabetes belt. It doesn't matter if they have been doing this ten times as long as me. The fact of the matter is...they still make mistakes too...they are not perfect either...they are JUST like me.

When I read that comment from my friend, it made me feel less frustrated with the 20.8 itself....it made me realize that I helped her...I showed her that we are all far from perfect...we all make mistakes and that is ok...we are not pancreases...we are Mom's and Dad's and caregivers....we do our best and it doesnt always work out in our favor...and that is perfectly normal and ok.

It's what we choose to do after we see that ugly number that is a true testament to our character I think.