For the most part, I believe we go through life with an air of confidence. We believe that good things will happen. We set goals for ourselves. We have dreams and aspirations. We focus so hard on what's to come next, that a lot of the time we lose sight of what is happening right now.
Diabetes even tends to fall into that category for me sometimes. I check blood sugars, make adjustments, count carbs...I do what needs to be done to keep my kid alive everyday. I focus on the future...and take it one step at a time. Making it through that first needle, that first year, getting her on a pump, waiting for the artificial pancreas...and the ultimate end goal....a cure.
There's a place in my heart that doubts...a place that I try to shut out and shut up whenever it pops into my head. Sometimes I slam that door shut so hard and with such force that I have to stand there and wait for the dust to settle before I am able to speak again.
That's the thing about this life I think that really gets to me still...even after all this time. I have tried and tried to force myself to be ok with the unknown, the guessing, the fact that nothing is really for certain. It's a difficult task to live in that gray area.
So, like me, you may ask yourself...what can I do? What can I focus on to make this life filled with guessing and unknowns, and gray areas a little bit more bearable? Well, keeping in the true spirit of diabetes...I don't really think that there is a clear cut answer to that question. We do our best. We take each day as it comes and try to learn from our mistakes. We try to remember that we WILL make mistakes. No one is perfect and no human being could ever possibly be a perfect pancreas. Not even a Mom. We make the mistakes that teach us lessons and we move on...we get upset while they are occuring, we cry, we feel guilty, and then we move on. I think that is one of the most important abilities you need to make it through this diabetes life without losing your entire mind. We need to master the fine art of accepting the fact that we will make mistakes...we just will....it is guaranteed to happen. We need to accept that and we need to know how to move on from them.
I think as parents we tend to put this enormous amount of pressure on ourselves....to do it right, to love them more than we were ever loved, to give them more than we ever had, to show them what we wished we had been shown, to do it right, to help shape these little human beings into kind, caring, compassionate adults....because we want to help make the world a better place. Well, when you add diabetes into the mix....the pressure is magnified...we expect ourselves to do it right, to be perfect, to get those numbers in range and keep them healthy and avoid complications and spread awareness so we can ensure that they will live in a world that accepts them for who they are and not pities or misjudges them for what they live with. We want the best for them. What parent wouldn't?
So, cut yourself some slack. When you are in the middle of a seemingly losing battle with diabetes, give yourself a time out.....pause....take a deep breath and keep repeating the words, "I am not perfect. I am not a pancreas. I am doing the best I can." and soon enough you will believe them in your mind and in your heart. It's an ongoing lesson though....isn't that really what life is all about though? learning? Living...loving...and learning.
Huh...apparently I am wearing my philosophy hat tonight....lol