What it's like at 3:00am for a D-Mom

So I reached that point last night....well, technically this morning...at around 3:00am. I had the ugly cry going on in full force. Emma's numbers have been crazy the past couple of days because she was getting sick. She woke up today with a sore tummy and dark circles under her eyes and an insanely high blood sugar number greated me on the meter. Good times. UGH. Anyway, back to last night...Well, I made the ASSumption that I should give her a correction bolus of insulin while she slept because she had climbed quite a bit since her bedtime snack number. As always with any night time corrections, I never give her a full bolus...I always halve it just to be on the safe side seeing as how she is sleeping and doesn't always wake up for low blood sugars. Well, that split second ASSUmption and decision caused low after low after low all night long. I had to give her roughly 50 carbs and do a temp basal just to keep her above 3.9. It was awful. I was afraid to go to sleep...in fact I was afraid to even lay down on the couch because I knew that my body and my brain would betray me and I would wind up falling asleep (or D-Mom diabetic induced narcolepsy as I like to call it!) and wake up with a mini heart attack at 4:00am wondering where I was and what her blood sugar was and just in a pure state of panic. I hate that feeling...heart pounding with fear, trying to shake off the sleepy head feeling and bolt to the kitchen to get her meter and run upstairs to check her...make sure she's still alive. I hate it. It's probably one of the worst feelings a D-parent has to deal with. We fight the battle with sleep all the time...and we are human...we don't always win the fight...sleep takes us and we drift away into the land of zzzzz's...oblivious to what very well could be occuring in our child's body at that point. It's sort of like the same feeling as someone creeping into your room...or next to the couch...silently slipping in..avoiding all of the creaks in the floor..holding their breath..silent...sneaking up on you...holding a bullhorn right up to your ear and all of the sudden shouting into it "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Your heart leaps up into your throat racing uncontrollably..your hands begin to shake...you hurtle yourself through the fog currently occupying your brain and the first thought screaming in your head is your child...what's their number? what's their number? what's their number? It's horrible.
Anyway, there I was midnight...1:00am....2:00am....3:00am...I saw the numbers on the clock rolling ever onward and with each change of the hour I grew more and more exhausted...depressed...lost...the only thing keeping me upright and on backup generator mode was my love for Emma...my need to make her safe...my need to KNOW that she was at a safe blood sugar to make it until my husband awoke at 4:00am to get ready for work. That was it...I had no other brain power left to focus on anything. I was a zombie...sitting bolt upright on the couch...afraid...sad. After I checked her at 3:15am...and I saw a 4.9 on the meter...I lost it...I quickly left her room and trudged down the stairs to take up my post on the couch again. I sat there and balled my eyes out. I cried tears of frustration...anger...a deep aching sadness...jealousy at everyone else that was asleep in the world....hatred for diabetes...pure firey hatred coursing through my veins. I cried and cried and cried some more...my whole body shook...my breath hitched in my chest. I just held my hands to my face and cried all of my exhausted tears until I could cry no more. Then I went upstairs...woke my husband up and told him I couldn't stay awake anymore...he had to get up earlier for work and keep an eye on her blood sugar because she had been low all night. I felt bad for waking him...because he works hard...all day...so I can stay home and take care of Emma. He put his arms around me and let me cry more...I thought the tears were gone, but apparently not...he told me it would be ok...and he told me he would take care of it. I shut my eyes...and was lost once again in a silent world...free from diabetes...free from lows....