I need some help finding the words please

This Saturday Emma and I will be attending a luncheon to express our gratitude to an organization that are big supporters of JDRF. This will be Emma's first event as this year's Youth Ambassador. I am very excited for her and totally looking forward to it! I need to write out a little speech for her though and I am not sure what to have her talk about. I mean I know obviously the main point of it will be to say thank you and tell them how much we appreciate their support. I guess i am just trying to think of something more...something that will affect these people...something that they will remember when they leave there and go home to tell their families about it. I want them to walk away remembering one of the many many faces of diabetes. I want them to hear her story and see how her life is affected by diabetes. I don't want to have her just babble on about needles and blood sugars and carbs. I want them to look up at her little face and see in her eyes exactly just how much this stupid disease tries to rule our lives. I want her to be able to express this to them simply and easily seeing as how she is only 7. Emma is very well-spoken for a 7 year old...she does have a pretty amazing vocabulary really. I know that she will do a great job.
So, I guess that I am just looking for any suggestions. My brain is fried from dealing with her stomach bug this weekend and I am struggling trying to think of the right words for her to say these things. Any help or ideas would be much appreciated!

I was robbed I tell ya!

Ok...so not literally robbed. Not in the "some masked burglar breaking in and stealing our TV and Barry Manilow boxed set" sense of the word robbed. It was more so in the "time" sense of the word. I had great plans for this weekend past. Ranging from piano and gymnastics lessons and a friends party for Emma...to confronting my own personal hoarders room and making it sparkle like new. Most people have a junk drawer in their house...or a certain closet that bears the brunt of all the "stuff" that we just set aside to look at later as opposed to putting it where it should go. Well, I have an entire junk room. Honestly it is actually referred to as the "play room" because the majority of the junk in there is of the toy variety. My daughter is 7 and has a lot of toys. Too many toys really. The play room has turned in to one of those places where we just put a toy or puzzle or ball or whatever that we just don't use anymore. It is amazing what one can accumulate in 7 years. Anyway, last weekend we went down there and began to work on cleaning it out and actually made a dent in the mess...part of the room actually looks nice now. So, my plans for this weekend were to continue on our quest and finish the room. However, all of that was thrown to the wayside on Friday night at around 11pm.
Emma had been sniffly and sneezy since Thursday, but when she went to bed on Friday...she seemed ok for the most part. I popped in the movie "Due Date"...which is hilarious by the way...and 11pm rolled around to the sounds of Emma throwing up in bed. Queue (or is it Cue?) the scary movie music...DUN DUN DUN!!! I went upstairs to find her shaking uncontrollably and sick everywhere. I carried her downstairs and put her in the bath to wash her off. I started panicking though because the shaking was getting worse. Checked her blood sugar and was 5.8...not too shabby. My mind was racing, my heart was pounding, she was looking at me with sheer terror in her eyes begging me to make it better. I didn't know what to do first...juice box? dry her off? clean off her bed? check for fever? check for ketones? call 911? glucagon? I was frozen in that moment...trying to do all of the above at the same time...Trying to figure it out and straighten it out in my head. I have never been that close to calling 911 in my entire life. I actually had my fingers on the 911 buttons. Then I took a breath, set the phone down, grabbed my baby out of the tub and sat on the bathroom floor with her on my lap, wrapped in towels and blankets...holding her to my chest, rocking her, trying to warm her up, calming her down. She eventually stopped shaking and I began to check things off my list...check temp...yes she had a fever, clean her up and get her dressed...done, make up bed on living room floor where we sleep when she is sick...done, check for ketones...yes she has large amounts, clean off her bed and begin laundry...done and done. I didn't sleep much that night. We spent the majority of Saturday fighting the stomach virus as well. Today was really the first day that she seemed to be getting back to her old self. Full appetite isn't back yet...and still battling ketones, but she is on her way. Basically nothing got done this weekend that I had planned on. I hate that about illnesses. They are like little burglars waiting in the bushes for you to be busy with the dishes...or expecting a crowd of company over to watch the Superbowl so they can come in and steal the big screen TV first. I am a big fan of Henry Rollins. He used to be in a punk band called Black Flag...and now just writes books and goes out on speaking tours. He has a great sense of humor. One time he was talking about "time murderers". We all come across our own time murderers every day...maybe even some of us are actually the time murderers ourselves! You know the type...people who stand around in line ahead of you talking to the cashier about their bunyons or their lazy son-in-laws. People who are in line in front of you at McDonalds staring at the menu trying to decide what to get...I mean seriously? It's McDonalds....you know what's on the menu...just pick something!
Anyway, illnesses are time murderers too. They come at the worst times...they waste your whole weekend...they ruin your plans...all along with making you or your child feel awful and sick. Completely not cool. So....that was my weekend. Good news is tomorrow is Monday. Umm...yea...Monday.

Too much coffee, migraines, and fancy sunglasses

I'm sitting here typing away on the keyboard and wearing a pair of my daughters sunglasses. They are St Patrick's Day style...the frames are shaped like 4 leaf clovers and they are green. Why you ask am I choosing to look so ridiculous? Well, it's sort of a long story...so I suppose I will just start at the beginning. I changed Emma's ratios yesterday because she had been having high blood sugar numbers continuously for the past few days. I figured either she was coming down with something or she had grown and just needed more insulin. I found my answer this afternoon when i got her at lunch from school and she had a runny nose. She has your average ordinary common cold. I love how something so simple causes blood sugars to go so high. Anyway, because I had changed her ratios yesterday I wound up staying awake until 2:00am last night (this morning actually) and had to wake up at 6:00ish in the morning to drive my husband to work so I could have the vehicle during the day since we only have one car and share it. So....that would be 4 hours of sleep I got. Needless to say, I was drinking massive amounts of coffee all day long to fight off the sleepiness and get my daily duties accomplished without any naps. On an average ordinary day I will usually only have 1 or 2 cups of coffee tops...and that's usually in the morning. Well, i went about my day no problem...got my stuff done and picked my daughter up from school at the end of the day. We then drove to pick up my husband from work. There is a promotion going on up here at the Tim Horton's coffee stores called Roll Up the Rim to Win. You buy your coffee, drink it, take the lid off, roll up the rim and see if it has something printed on there that says "Win a free coffee" or "Gagnez un cafe" for my French peeps. There are a bunch of other prizes you can win actually...a car, money, TV, etc. Well, I wound up winning a free coffee off of one of the many coffees I drank earlier in the day...so I decided to continue with the theme for the day and use my winning ticket to get another free coffee. We stopped for supper on the way and ate at home. After supper my daughter and i decided to go to the store because I had noticed earlier that day that her winter boots were falling apart and she needed a new pair. We hopped in the car and drove to Zellers (like Target...but not). I parked the car, got out, and waited for Emma to hop out. Instantly I got a migraine. Awesome. I haven't had one in a while really...but when i get them, they begin with my vision getting all screwy. I start to see wavy, squiggly lines in my perepheral vision and those lines sloooowwwly keep moving across my line of sight until they get to the other side and go away completely. Then my head hurts so bad that it makes me want to barf. The only thing that I have found that works is to sit there in the dark and wait it out. Well, I couldn't very well turn the car on and drive home to a dark room because I couldn't see properly due to the squiggly lines. So, there we sat in the parking lot waiting it out. To pass the time, I turned the ignition to the accessories on the car and put the radio on and Emma sat there playing with the GPS finding the most direct route to Poland or Venezuela or somewhere. I sat there with my eyes closed and talked in my head to my deceased grandfather (who I believe watches over my daughter and I all the time) to help me out and make this migraine pass quickly so we could just go home. Needless to say, the car battery died. Double awesome. So, i had to phone my husband at home and get him to get a ride from the neighbour to come and give me a boost. To make an extremely long story short...they came, boosted the car, and we went home. Once at home, I laid down on the couch and turned the lights off trying to ease my aching eyes and head. Usually I will even put on a pair of my sunglasses to help with the bright-light-searing-eye pain situation. Well, back in the summer my own sunglasses actually broke in half...so I have none. I asked Emma if perhaps she would find me a pair of hers. She actually has a few pairs of them around. Well, the first pair she found turned out to be these funky St Patty's day ones. So, I put them on...and here I sit...looking very Irish-ly festive. Through all of my ordeal this evening and all of my head/eye pain....my daughter was so sweet. She sat by me and rubbed my head, found and shared her sunglasses with me, helped my husband get me some Advil and water, played very quietly, and told me she loved me. I know it's just a migraine...not some serious dramatic illness....but it just felt really nice to see her behaving that way. She is so sweet and caring. She is always wanting to help and she is very compassionate. Not only was she wanting to ease my eye pain...but she also wanted to make sure I looked as stylish as possible. I love that about her. What a kid...lolol!!

Low low low your boat

Emma had a low tonight just before her bedtime snack. It wasn't a horrible low...but it was a low none the less. She was 3.4, which is 61 for my American friends. She was actually in the bath playing around after I had finished washing her and she just stopped all of the sudden, looked up at me and said, "Umm...yea I think I'm low." I almost started laughing just because of the way she said it. Like it was just so matter of fact. Just like someone saying, "Yea, it looks like rain today." Anyway, I went in the kitchen to get her meter and we checked to find out she was in fact 3.4 and I brought out the juicebox. She thought this was just the coolest thing ever that she was being allowed to drink juice while sitting in the tub. Well, once the juice was finished I took her out and started to dry her off. I noticed the typical blank stare with the dark circles under her eyes and a slight shake to her hands still. I asked her if she was ok or if she still felt low. She told me that she thought maybe the food just hadn't kicked in yet and it was making her still feel low. It made me want to cry. Honestly it really did bring tears to my eyes. On the one hand I hate that she speaks of these things so matter of factly...it breaks my heart...it makes me so sad that this is just another part of her existence. On the other hand, I suppose I am glad that she is so accepting of it...that it doesn't really upset her...she just recognizes it, we treat it, and we move on with our day.
I personally am not diabetic. I have been tested though and was told that I am hypoglycemic. I have a tendency to have low blood sugar situations. So, I can completely relate to how it feels. I despise that yucky, gross, awful feeling that comes with a low. In my situation though, if I am low I can just eat and drink anything in sight until that feeling goes away...and let me tell you, that is EXACTLY what I do every time...even though I am usually not hungry or thirsty when it happens, I just eat and eat and drink and drink until that disgusting feeling goes away. There was one really bad time actually where I was nauseous, dizzy, seeing black spots everywhere, and had to crawl to the kitchen to get something...anything to eat...just to make it stop. It was awful...i couldn't really think straight either...so I grabbed the bowl of sugar I use to spoon into my coffee in the morning. I just kept shoveling spoonful after spoonful of sugar into my mouth while leaning against the kitchen counter. After Emma's low tonight, i just kept thinking about how she doesn't have that option. She can't sit there and shove whatever food she can find into her mouth when she's low...she can't keep eating or drinking until that gross feeling of the low goes away...or else she would skyrocket the other way and have a ginormous high blood sugar number. She just has to drink a juicebox and sit there....waiting...wallowing in that horrid feeling...waiting for the food or drink "to kick in." I hate that she has to endure that. I'd give anything to be able to take that away from her. Lows are awful. This is one of the many many reasons why Emma is my hero. She is matter of fact about it...she follows the steps to fix the situation...and she hasn't complained a single time about any of it. I know it may sound weird...but I look up to her...I admire her...I would give anything to be even half as strong as she is.

Enough is enough already

We had to go get blood work done today for Emma's annual clinic appointment. I somehow managed to weasle my way out of getting the extra bloodwork done at her last regular clinic appointment...but no such luck this time. I knew as soon as the receptionist brought it up that I was going to be in for a brutal morning. To say Emma hates getting blood taken out of her arm would be an understatement. She usually is able to sweet talk the blood lady into just taking it out of her finger instead. Well, seeing as how the ANNUAL clinic bloodwork requires more blood as well as a pee test....there was no sweet talking. No cute faces, no pouty lip, no puppy dog eyes, no tears were going to stop this lady from jamming a needle in her arm this time. Emma even tried to make a break for it and run out of the room as soon as she realized that it was coming out of her arm this time. I hate this disease. I hate seeing my kid stressed to the max and panicked. I hate what it does to her. I hate what the stress and tears do to her blood sugars. I would trade places with her in a heartbeat. I wish I could give her my pancreas. She screams and cries and thrashes about like the poor blood lady is trying to murder her. She looks at me like she is wondering why I am allowing this to happen to her. Like why the hell am I not saving her? Why the hell am I not scooping her up and running out the front door of that damn hospital and taking her to safety? How could I be letting this go on? How come I am not saving her? I am not writing this in the hopes of getting any sympathy whatsoever (is that one word or 2?) I am writing this in the hopes that people who don't live this stupid diabetes life will get a glimpse into what our kids go through. I am hoping that at least one of you out there will realize how important it is to find a cure. How much it would mean to me. How much it would mean to my kid. How much it would mean to all of the millions of other people out there living with this disease. We need a cure now. I can't handle seeing my kid look at me like that ANY MORE! Yet another piece of my heart broke off today in that room at the hospital. Diabetes keeps taking and taking and taking. It is relentless and sometimes on days like today, i feel like I just don't have enough fight or strength or hootspa left in me to fight back. It is too hard to be strong anymore. I hate it and I just want to be done with it. We have put in our time already...almost 3 years is enough!! It is like a jail term that is never ending and we never even committed any crime to deserve this sentence. I just want to be paroled already. I deserve it. My kid most definitely deserves it. F - U Diabetes!!

Let's do it again! Let's do it again!

So it's a long weekend here in good old Canada...tomorrow is Family Day. It's too bad that it's not on a day in the summer where the weather is nicer, so families could get out and do something fun together in the sunshine...but I can't complain...a day off is a day off! Anyway, this afternoon Emma and I were bored and decided to bring her plasma car outside to ride seeing as how the snow has pretty much melted off of the sidewalks now. It was a blast! She started out just riding it along the flat sidewalk. As I was walking along next to her, i couldn't help but remember all of the times I had walked up and down that sidewalk following her on her big wheel or her bike...or even when she was first learning to walk and was still weebly wobbly. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that she is now 7 years old. She is taller and acts older and seems so much more grown up to me lately. If I let it....it really makes me sad...I miss chasing after her little 2 year old self running down the sidewalk. I miss hearing her sing that song from "Hoodwinked" while she peddles along on her bigwheel. That song is forever etched in my memory..."Here's a story I hope you'll like! It's the one about the girl riding on her bike. It's a tired old tale, but it still rings true...." She used to sing that at the top of her lungs while peddling furiously past our house...her little legs a blur pumping away on those plastic peddles. Time really does fly by. She will always be my baby...I will always see that sweet little innocent twinkle in her eyes when i look at her....no matter how old she is...7 or even 57.
Anyway, flat ground quickly became boring for Emma...so we took off up the street to start at the top of a curved hill for her to have a little more excitement on the plasma car. We walked to the top and of course I had to carry it the whole way...because she's not quite old enough apparantly to not need me to hoof it up hills loaded down with her heavy belongings! So, we reached the top and I set the plasma car down for her to sit on. She plopped right down and took off...no fear...no second thoughts at all. She quickly picked up speed and I actually had to full out run to keep up with her and make sure she didn't wipe out. It was great...she screamed the whole way with excitement...her cheeks bright red from the cool wind and the fun of the ride. At the bottom, the first thing she said was of course, "Mommy!! Let's do it again!!" So, back up we went...her running ahead of me...me trying to keep up while carrying the plasma car. We must have done that at least a dozen times. It really got me thinking...yes it's true, I do most definitely miss how things were years ago when she was tiny....but I also love how things are now! I love seeing her have fun...I love seeing her be a regular little kid...playing outside, riding her plasma car, going all out doing something that might seem scary and having a blast the whole time. I love how she shows me what is really important in life. I learned from her today that acting like a kid and feeling the cool wind in your face while flying down a hill is by far much better than anything else I could have done today. Being a grown up is hard and a lot of it is not fun at all...so taking those little moments in time...those precious seconds of fun...it's important. Grab ahold of as many of those moments as you can, because before you know it...these days will be gone too. Here's to many many more days of playing outside and flying down the hill with as much enthusiasm as a 7 year old!

Toys R Us and boys

It has definitely been an educational week in our house, so i wanted to share a bit of what went on....some of it good...some not so good...that's how the story usually goes though. Anyway, Emma and I decided to make a trip to her all-time favorite store, Toys R Us, so she could spend her birthday money. On the way there, we were chatting away about things and out of no where she mentioned to me that a boy in her class made fun of her diabetes. Instantly my Mommy protective emotions rose to the surface and I asked her who it was. She told me the boys name and I knew instantly who she was talking about. Now I am certainly not one to ever judge a child or think ill of them....but this kid has come up in conversation with Emma before...and to put it nicely, he seems to not be one of the nicest kids around. I was driving along feeling my blood boiling...seeing red and wanting to track down this kids Mom and give her a piece of my mind. Instead, I took two deep breaths and focused on making it to Toys R Us without getting a speeding ticket. I was SO angry...so upset that I had to sit there and explain to my kid that there are really some ignorant people out there who sometimes don't know what they are saying and don't know that it will hurt someone. After more discussion, Emma mentioned to me that the other day this same boy asked her to be his girlfriend and told her she was cute. Well, Emma apparantly told him that she didn't want to be his girlfriend...I am assuming maybe his diabetes comments/bullying was his way of being upset with her for saying no. UGH. So...I let it go...I figured that the only thing I can control in life is how I react to things. I can't control all of the idiots or bullies out there in the world...I can't stop them from saying moronic things to my kid. The only thing i can do is control how I react to them and try to explain to Emma that she needs to rise above it as well.
Fast forward a couple of days to Friday...Emma was asked to have a playdate at another boys house after school. His Mom actually asked me if I wanted to come too and we could sit there and have a coffee while the kids played. This boy seems like a really nice kid and Emma talks about him a lot and how they play together at recess quite a bit. So, off we went after school over to his house. She had a blast and I had a great time too just chatting with the other Mom. She told me that the night before when she was giving her son a bath, he told her that he was in love with Emma. Can i get a collective "AWWWW! How cute!!"??? What a sweetie! I guess that he said he loves her because she is really pretty and sweet...and super smart. What a kid...I am so happy that the smart factor played a role in things! Anyway, once it got to be supper time, i told Emma that we needed to head out home so she could eat supper on time. Both the kids were not too happy about that really...but it was really getting to be that time. The little boy asked if Emma could stay for dinner because he didn't want her to go yet. I totally would have said yes...but the big diabetes factor came up and ruined it again. Not fair. He actually even told me that if Emma could stay for dinner, he would be brave and give her the needle she would need when she needed it. How sweet is that?!! I am loving this kid already. To make a long story short, we did end up leaving...but promised that next time I would plan ahead and she would be able to stay and eat with him. It was awesome to be able to show Emma the difference in how boys act...one kid making fun of her and hurting her feelings about her diabetes.....and on the complete other end of the spectrum, this other boy was willing to do something scary (give a needle to her) just so she could stay a bit longer.
Skip ahead to today...i don't know if any of you saw the video posted in the internet last week about a woman walking through the mall and texting? Well, she was so focused on texting that she walked right up to one of those fountains in the mall and fell right in. Apparantly she is suing the mall because they released the security tape footage of her doing this...and she is completely embarassed. Unfortunate? YES....Hilarious? YES! Anyway, we had our own similar experience today at the pharmacy. Emma and I stopped in to pick up her lantus refill and she was walking along down the aisle a couple steps behind me...playing her Nintendo DS...while she was walking. I was totally unaware she was actually playing it...i thought she was just carrying it until she got to the chairs back by the counter so she could sit down and play it while we waited. Well, an employee happened to be stocking the shelves in the aisle we were on and had left his big metal cart off the the side....like a big menacing steel monster ready to jump out at anyone who got to close. I was walking along and out of nowhere all I heard was a loud bell-like clanging sound...turns out it was Emma's forehead connecting with the handle. It was sort of surreal really...i thought it was her DS that hit it...and i thought she was laughing at the situation...so I started laughing with her! Until I looked down and saw her face...tears streaming down and a big bruised goose egg sticking out on her head...poor thing...omg I am the world's worst Mom!! I could have fell through the floor with the weight of guilt I felt...I can't believe I laughed. Anyway, I quickly scooped her up and we sat down on the chairs and I kissed her head and tears probably a million times. Poor girl!! All seems to be ok tonight though...we iced it and she seemed her usual self all evening.
What a crazy couple of days it's been for sure! We did learn a few lessons though...we now know a bit about how grade 1 little boys act (i can't believe we are already talking about boys by the way...sheesh!)...and that you should pack a lunch if you ever take a 7 year old girl to Toys R Us to spend $80 because you could be there for a WHILE...and that it's not a good idea to walk and play your DS at the same time.

Winner winner chicken dinner!!

The past couple of weeks have been brutal to say the least. Some of it was diabetes related and some of it wasn't...all of it sucked. It really got to the point of making me feel like I might as well have been banging my head up against the wall...at least I would have been doing something productive. UGH. Anyway, this morning I woke up and realized how old it was getting. Being grumpy...shuffling along all day just focusing on putting out the proverbial fires and making sure I check off as many things on my to do list as possible that day so i didn't have to do it the next...it was all getting old to me. I decided to accept the fact that I am really the one in control of my life...so I had better take the bull by the horns and steer this puppy the right way instead of the wrong way down a one-way street. Wow...that last sentence might not make a whole lot of sense...bulls? puppies? streets? Yea...well...that's the kind of week I have been having, so cut me some slack...lol. Anyway, I made this mental decision to stop being angry at the ignorance of strangers....to stop focusing on all of the negative things that have happened lately...to try and flip the coin over and find the positive-ness (so not a word I am sure!). In doing so, i have realized that I really do have a lot of amazing people in my life. People who really are there for me and willing to help me. People who actually care about me and my family. It gives me the warm fuzzies inside to think about it really.
So anyway, today after I dropped Emma back off at school after lunch, I went to the store with the intention of mailing something. I got to the post office (which is inside a store much like Target...but not Target...because I'm not in the states) and realized that I forgot to bring the address with me of where I needed to mail this thing. Fabulous. Instead of getting angry and adding it to my list of daily grievances, I just shrugged it off and decided to go look at the books. (On a side note regarding the list of grievances...wouldn't it be funny if there was some sort of human resources person we could take our daily grievances and complaints to and she would fix them? HA! Hell...even a suggestion box would be nice!)
Anyway, so I was browsing over the children's books because they happened to all be on sale...2 for $6. I found one for Emma and decided to get one for one of those amazing people in my life that I was referring to earlier. A couple of weeks ago she had mentioned that her 4 year old son was upset because she had forgotten to send in the money for his book order at school that day and he just loves reading. So, i found a nice book about trucks that I plan on giving to her for her son today after school! It feels good to think of other people...it's nice to do things for others...I like it. I like making people smile and surprising them with something nice. It makes me feel good for doing it...and it makes them feel good for knowing that someone was thinking of them and appreciates them too! It's a win win situation. Why don't more people do things for others? Why don't more people take a minute out of their day to think of someone else and doing something kind for them...bring them a coffee...shovel their sidewalk...smile and say hello, how are you? I just don't understand why more people don't do these things.
Well, here's to hoping everyone else in the world will realize the good feeling a win win situation brings at some point in their lives.

7 years ago today...

Today is my sweet girl's 7th birthday! I thought I would take this chance to share my experience of the day she was born. My due date was actually on my own birthday, February 7th...Emma didn't want to come out then though...apparantly she needed one more week in the oven because she didn't make an appearance until the 14th. Looking back on it now, I think it is completely fitting that she was a week late. Emma is the sweetest kid around...but she definitely has her own mind and her own opinions and does things when SHE wants to do them. I actually love this about her to be honest. I am glad that she is strong-willed. Anyway, Emma is my first and only child...so I did not know what to expect when it came to the whole pain factor of labour. I had heard all of the horror stories, like any new Mom does...but it could not even compare! Emma was positioned "sunny-side up"...so it was ALL back labour for me. I honestly thought my husband was going to rub the tattoo right off my back from trying to ease my pain. I thought my back was going to break right open and I was going to die. It was crazy!! Well, we went to the hospital and they put that lovely gown on me and told us to walk around for a couple hours to get things progressing. There are only so many places you can walk inside the hospital really...so it got old fast. At one point I remember falling to my knees out front of the elevators because of a particularly bad contraction. I thought I was going to wind up having my baby right there on the floor facing the elevator doors...lolol...what a sight that would have been for whoever decided to get off on that floor! Thankfully the doctor on-call happened to walk by and helped me up and shouted for a nurse to get me a bed before he had to deliver a baby out there in the hallway. I could have kissed him...if I hadn't been delirious from the pain! Anyway, to make a long story short...we got a room, met the other gorgeous human being/anesthesiologist (who I also wanted to kiss for relieving my pain), got an epidural (cause I am by no means a hero and wasn't going to try and tough it out!), and at 6:31pm out came Emma. Up until the very second that she was born, i thought that she was going to be a boy. I don't know why...I just thought she was (as usual, I was wrong!) As the doctor was delivering her, he said to me, "Oh! She must be a girl! She's coming out talking on the phone already!" I guess Emma came out with her arm up and her hand held to her ear as if she was pretending to talk on the phone. Very cute.
I will never ever forget the feeling in my heart when I first looked in her eyes. My husband, Emma, and I were all crying and kissing each other. It felt like my heart was whole at that moment. It felt like I had been walking around for the last 27 years with part of myself missing...incomplete....and when I saw her face and held her in my arms, it all fit together. I honestly never knew that it was possible to have such an incredible amount of love in myself for another human being. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than anything as well....but the love I had for Emma that evening...it was just a whole different kind of love. As each day passes, it seems to grow more and more too. The past 7 years have brought so many things...cuddles with her as a tiny baby...first words, first steps, school, everything. She amazes me to no end. She has dealt with diabetes in her life for almost three years...almost half her life. She is so beautiful to me that sometimes I look at her and it brings tears to my eyes because I just can't believe that she is mine. I look in her big brown eyes and I see that tiny baby's eyes looking back at me...full of wonder and joy and love. I look in her eyes and I see glimpses of the woman she will be one day...all of her hopes and dreams and goals. She is the funniest person i know...she makes me laugh every single day...I love her sense of humor. She is amazingly smart and has such a kind heart. I am beyond proud of my baby girl. She is and always will be my hero...I admire her and wish that I had half the amount of courage she has. She makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to change the world for a better place for her to live in. Love is not a good enough word to describe how I feel about her. She is the reason why I breathe...the reason why I get up in the morning and stay up half the night...she has made me happier than I could have ever imagined. I love her with my whole heart and soul. I hope you have an AMAZING day today Emma!!! Happy Birthday to my sweetheart...my baby girl. Thank you for being who you are.

Twas the night before the big party...

Twas the night before the big party and all through the house...not a creature was stirring except for our boy cat named Daisy, dreaming of a mouse.
Invitations for 15 little first graders were sent days ago...every single one said YES...and I'm thinking WOAH!
All I can say is thank GOD I had enough brain cells not to hold the party at our home...for cleaning up afterwards would have really blown!
Everything will be taken care of except for the food...so tomorrow morning I will wake in a mood...
I dislike the morning ever so much....but I must make fruit trays, popcorn bowls, sandwiches and such.
They will all most definitely have a fantastic time with lots of laughs and play...I hope for my daughter, it is THE perfect day!
On the way, I CAN NOT forget to pick up the cake...or I fear the kids will certainly throw me in the lake!
There are many wishes for my baby girl on her special day...one in particular that I just have to say...
I wish for her to completely forget all about her diabetes life...and how it always causes so much strife.
I want her to enjoy her party and be a kid....blood sugars, carbs, insulin-her mind can be rid.
Have her special day be worry, stress, and diabetes free....simply put, just let her BE.
I will manage her blood sugars and keep close tabs to make this happen...if diabetes doesn't cooperate, I will be a-snappin!!
She puts up with you every second of every day of her life...if you try to ruin this for her, i will smack you with the cake knife!!
So for now, this night I will put to rest...so I can make sure my sweet girl's day will be the best!

The hidden bonus of wearing mittens!

I had such a horribly crap-tastic day today that I don't even want to talk about it. We are talking top 5 in the all-time crap-tastic day scale of measurement. I wish it was tomorrow this time. I know you are probably thinking, "Amy...why are you writing this blog then and being so vague about the crap-tastic-ness that was your day?" Well, I have talked about it so much today that I really am exhausted with the whole situation. Instead, I am going to try and practice some life skills that I have a hard time using. I am going to try and think of 5 positive things in my life at this moment in time. Things that I am greatful for and things that make me smile. It is hard for me in general to focus my thoughts on these good things...let alone on a day from hell. I really wish I could be like one of those motivational, inspirational, peppy people a lot more. Ok...maybe not the peppy part so much...cause they tend to annoy me to no end. But definately the motivational and inspirational parts are something I would like to display more often. I know everyone in the world has problems and issues and baggage...so I am not alone. It's just sometimes my world seems to get so completely overwhelming that I feel like I just can't handle one more thing...and then that one more thing happens and hops on top of the pile-o-stress already on my shoulders. It makes me want to climb up on to the roof and scream until no more sound comes out, climb back down, go inside, put my Snuggie on and drink some hot chocolate. Anyway, I seem to have strayed from my original intention of thinking about 5 good things in my life...so here goes...
(1) I am greatful for my daughter and her many impressions. I got to hear her latest one today...Fred Sanford from "Sanford and Son" doing the whole "I'M COMIN ELIZABETH!" in front of her school after lunch. How does an almost 7 year old know about Fred Sanford??? I have NO idea honestly.
(2) I am greatful for ice scrapers for the car. Without them, I would have most definitely gotten into a car accident on the way to school by now.
(3) I am greatful for mittens. They keep my hands warmer than gloves do. As an added bonus, they make it super easy to flip someone off without them even knowing...very satisfying discovery I made today in fact.
(4) I am greatful for Oreo cookies. They are tasty. They are fun to eat. They are only 9 carbs each.
(5) I am greatful for having a house. It's freezing out and it would suck to be out there. It would suck to have to sleep out there and freeze all night.
That is all I can come up with for now....I feel a tad bit better about my day now. I hope tomorrow is not a repeat performance.

Happy 100 and a trip to the grocery store!!

Can I get a drumroll please?! Yes this is my 100th post..woohoo!! I can't believe I haven't run out of things to say yet. This time, I think I would like to talk about one particular aspect of diabetes that is a thorn in my side. Yesterday, I had to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things...water, fruit, pretzels, and whatever impulse item I could find. As I was strolling along pushing the cart up and down the aisles...I started actually noticing the price of things as opposed to solely focusing on the carb counts in them. Don't get me wrong, we are by no means rich...so it's not like price doesn't matter to me at all...it's just that diabetes usually pushes and shoves it's way to the front of my mind in the grocery store making me consider carb counts first. I grabbed a bag of grapes because it is a quick, tasty, and easy snack for my daughter to have at school. It wasn't a gigantic bag...it wasn't a teeny tiny bag...to borrow a phrase from Goldilocks, it was just right. On I continued passing by the chips/candy aisle...I noticed a huge display of party-size bags of M&M's on sale for $1.99...they had regular M&M'S, peanut, dark chocolate, and those new ones with pretzels inside. It was a mountain of M&M goodness...all for the low low price of $1.99. I hadn't gone in to the store looking to buy M&M's, but I couldn't pass up such a good deal! I grabbed a bag and tossed them in the cart. Well, I finished up my tour of the store and went to the front to check out and get home. I always go to the checkout lanes set up were you can scan your own items and avoid the whole cashier/bagboy business. I am really not an anti-social person...I just seem to always wind up in the checkout lane where the cashier and bagboy are having some deep discussion about who likes who and what went on last night at the club...and I wind up standing there waiting for them to finish...waiting and waiting and waiting...ugh. So, anyway...I started scanning my items and happened to notice that my bag of grapes came up as $5.50. WOAH....i was paying $5.50 for some nice healthy tasty grapes....and $1.99 for a gigantor bag of M&M's??? Insanity. I understand that fruit is a seasonal thing and they have to base the prices accordingly...but seriously??? $5.50?? How can the powers that be expect the average shmo like myself to eat healthy and buy healthy foods for my family when the cost of healthy foods is that much MORE than the junk? As the parent of a diabetic child, I am always on the hunt for healthy alternatives that are lower carb and are going to make her blood sugar stay level for longer. I know that she is able to eat absolutely anything she wants...candy, cookies, ice cream...whatever...but I wouldn't let her do that all the time even if she wasn't diabetic. So, there I stood... staring at the computer screen at the checkout...mouth hanging open...thinking about how ridiculous this world is. The media loves to shove down our throats the fact that we are all obese and lazy couch potatoes and so are our children. Our schools are hell bent on promoting healthier eating to the point of sending home a news letter each month from the principal that usually includes a recipe for some "healthy" alternative for a snack or whatever....all the while still having designated "pizza days" that include ice cream desserts for the kids.
I am a firm believer in letting kids be kids. Regardless of if they are diabetic or not. I think they should be allowed to have their pizza days, enjoy a cookie now and again, get to have a lazy movie or boardgame night once and a while. I also believe that it should be everything in moderation. We ALL need to eat balanced...fruits and veggies as well as the occasional handful of M&M's. However, I am completely dismayed at how difficult and expensive it is to include those healthy foods in our lives. Give us a break! Make fruits and veggies a tad more reasonable and try to help the situation! UGH...sorry for ranting about this...it is just so frustrating to me...and so ridiculous. In celebration of my 100th post, I am now going to open previously discussed bag of M&M's and eat the entire thing....and include a single grape in there too. Just for balance...lolol...cause it's all I can afford.

Freaky Friday!!...er wait...I mean Monday!!

Maybe it's because yesterday was my birthday and in 6 days it will be my daughters birthday, but I have been thinking a lot about that movie "Freaky Friday." I remember the original version with Jodi Foster that I saw for the first time back in the olden days when my main concern  was who I was going to play with outside and if we could get enough money off of our parents to buy some candy. I have also seen the newer-ish version with Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis, which my daughter now loves to watch as well. I know in that version the Mom and daughter are eating dinner at a Chinese food restaurant and wind up reading the fortunes in their cookies which somehow have a spell on them that switches the Mom and daughter the following morning. Well, as I stated in my last post...we ate at a Chinese restaurant for my birthday last night too. When it came time for the fortune cookies at the end of the meal, I sat there thinking how fantastic would it be if the whole "Freaky Friday" movie concept could actually be a reality. I could go back to being a 6 yr old kid again...spending my days in first grade...playing with toys, getting carried places when my legs got too tired to walk out at the store, getting super stoked when someone decides to take me to Dairy Queen for some ice cream. Ahh...all of that would be so cool! However, I would really only want to make that switch for one main reason...to have my daughter be able to switch to a body that has a functioning pancreas. So she could have diabetes removed from her life...letting her be carefree and eat what she wants...when she wants. I would do anything for that. As I sit here thinking about it though, I am 99.9% positive that Emma would not want to make the switch (can't say that I blame her really!)...what 6 yr old would all of the sudden want to become 34?? Even with the knowledge that she would no longer be the diabetic one, I think she would choose NOT to make the switch. She is a very independant and strong willed girl which makes me happy. I like the fact that she will stand up for herself and what she thinks is right. I think diabetes has made her more tough than she normally would have been and that is a good thing.
In any case, we ate our fortune cookies...read our fortunes...and not a single thing happened. I am still me, and she is still herself. On a side note, I would like to mention that as usual my wish when blowing out the candles is for a cure. So if later on today, Anderson Cooper comes on CNN and announces a cure has been found...you are all welcome... ;o)

My birthday wishes

Well, today is my birthday! I am 34 years old. Not one of those milestone birthdays by any means...however, I have been having a few moments throughout the day today that went a little something like this...."34??? How in the world did this happen???" I remember when my parents were 34....and now here I sit. My wishes for the day included sleep, coffee, not having to cook dinner, and for Emma's blood sugars to be decent. You know you're old WHEN, right?!
I knew I was reaching for the stars when I put sleep on the top of my list, so I wasn't too disappointed when it didn't happen. I think that is the #1 rule for diabetes...don't ever let them sleep...keep them in a constant state of alert. Thanks for scratching that one off the list diabetes!
I was successful with #2 on my list...coffee...and lots of it!! I think the lady at the Tim Horton's drive-thru was starting to wonder if i was lost or something and just kept making a continuous loop to grab another coffee.
I also won out and got #3 on my list! My husband and daughter took me out for chinese buffet for dinner. It was yummy, I ate like a pig, and i loved every minute of it. One thing happened there though that sort of put a tiny black mark on that item on my wishlist. When we were sitting there eating our desert, the hostess came over and tried to seat a man and woman (appeared to be in their 60's) at a table next to ours. The woman looked over at Emma, gave her a nasty look (we like to refer to it as "the hairy eyeball"), and declared in a loud voice, "Can't you seat us at a table away from any kids?!" Nice...sometimes old people suck. My daughter is going to be 7 next week...she's not one of those kids that climbs all over the table...she doesn't scream and cry, she doesn't throw her food around. She's a good kid...very well behaved and polite. I have gotten so used to the prejudices associated with diabetes over the years, that this is really the first time that I have experienced the typical "kid prejudices." Sort of an odd feeling really. I was angry that she was so loud about it and that she assumed my kid was going to be a nuisance. My daughter made it better though by making me laugh hysterically....she asked me if I wanted her to go walk over to the table this couple did eventually sit at and just stand there staring at them...the whole while having her finger up her nose. LOLOL I love my kid's sense of humour.
Finally #4 on my wishlist was not so successful. Her numbers weren't horrible...but they weren't good all day either. Such is life though (woohoo for cliches). I am greatful to have had a great day. I'm greatful that i have made it to 34. I'm greatful to have such a fantastic and hilarious daughter who loves me. I am a lucky girl and I think I will go make good on wish #1 soon...sleep is going to be mine!

Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device

I despise the constant feeling of worry in my gut. Last night was no bag of fun at my house. Emma went to bed at her usual time, blood sugar level was ok, no problems at all. I sat down on the couch to enjoy "my stories" on TV...lol...I watched "Grey's Anatomy" and then the morally sound, high class, intellectually stimulating "Jersey Shore". Please don't judge me....I know the show is ridiculous...but living a life with diabetes in the house, it is just nice to watch Snookie and friends act like morons. It makes me forget my stresses and worries for an hour. Shortly following the hijinx of Snookie, Emma started whimpering and crying in bed. I know this because as I have mentioned before..I still have a baby monitor in her room (thanks diabetes). So, I went up to check on her and find out what was wrong. I thought possibly a bad dream or belly ache or something? Well, no...between sobs she told me that her feet hurt...they were stinging actually. My first thought was panic...then a little bit of guilt...then worry. I thought it was probably nerve damage or nerve issues due to her diabetes and the fact that I have been struggling to get her numbers down in the afternoons lately. I immediately paid for my ticket and hopped on board the plane for my guilt trip. Thank goodness I am a frequent flyer of this flight and I could use my reward miles to get a good deal. Anyway, I calmed Emma down and sat there on her bed rubbing her feet until she said they felt better. Back to sleep for her..back downstairs for me to try and find some more quality programming on TV or go on facebook...or whatever I could find to waste away my evening with as little brain function as possible. I wanted to "veg out" as the young folks say. Well, about an hour and a half went by and Emma began crying again! Back upstairs to find her crying and saying her feet hurt again. Repeated the entire process all over again...including my repeat guilt trip visit to It's-My-Fault-Town with a layover in I'm-A-Crappy-Mom-Ville. Well, to make a long story short...this happened one more time last night. 3 times in total...just enough to make that liquid fire burning sensation go from my stomach to my heart and back again. Was this diabetes related? Was it just a fluke? Was it because she had a really busy day? Was it a growth spurt? Were her feet just asleep? Is it my fault? Am I harming my child because I am sucking it big time trying to get afternoon numbers to come down?
Fast forward a few hours to this morning...she woke up a little bit higher than normal...and had moderate ketones. WTF? She is not sick...nothing else is wrong...feet were not hurting anymore...ugh. So, I gave her breakfast and extra insulin to get rid of ketones...also got her to drink a bunch of water. Here I sit....at the computer, waiting 1 hour and 25 min. until I can get her at school for lunch...till I can see her face and make sure she is ok...till I can check her BG...till I can check and make sure ketones are gone. I hate this feeling in my gut...worry, stress, panic, despair for my kid's health in the future. I am so jealous of people who can just send their kids off to school without a second thought as to if they will come home alive at 3:00 in the afternoon. I hate being jealous. I'm tired.

Forest Gump...you old smarty pants!!

I'm a big fan of cliches...I use them whenever i get the opportunity actually. One of my favorites is definitely Forest Gump's "life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get." Ahh Forest, truer words were never spoken (wait...did I just comment on a cliche by using another cliche?...and is "truer" an actual word?) Our lives really are like that box of assorted chocolates. Sometimes we have amazing things happen...i.e. finding the love of our lives, having children, winning free chicken wings for a year at the Montana's restaurant down the street. All good things comparable to choosing that piece of chocolate and biting into it to discover the ooey gooey caramel goodness that is your favorite. Of course with the good will always come the bad (HA! another cliche!!) i.e. losing your job, getting a speeding ticket, tripping as you are walking up the stairs as a crowd of people are walking down said stairs causing you to begin running up stairs to make it look like this was all intentional...like you all of the sudden decided to begin stair running half way up...just cause. These things are all comparable to choosing your piece of chocolate, biting into it, and finding that disgusting orange filled center...or the coconut creamy yuckiness. Yes, I know, some people really like the orange or the coconut filled chocolates...not me....to each his own i say (WOOHOO! yet another cliche!) Diabetes sort of goes along with this whole cliche concept too...some days are filled with the yummy delicious treats of good blood sugars every single time you check, no crazy spikes or drops over night, never hitting a blood vessel causing a bloody mess (literally) when you give an injection to your kid. Other days are filled with bite after bite of the gross disgusting "treats" (I use those quotation marks loosely) of continual high blood sugars that after a while, make you feel like someone must have swapped out the insulin cartridge with a vial of water, or low blood sugars all day and night long making you question for just a moment if your child has somehow cured themselves of their diabetes, or the exhausting and mind numbing nights/wee hours of the morning that go along with stomach viruses.
So, yes Forest Gump....you are correct...life really is like a box of chocolates. I'd like to place my order right now for a box filled with my favorite peanut butter filled chocolates. Please and thank you.

Floating blood sugars and snow angels

Today was a teacher workday...so Emma had off of school. We actually had a ton of snow fall last night, so I think that it probably would have been a snow day anyway. We decided to make the most of the day and go out and play in the snow! After spending half an hour putting all of the required snow gear on...coats, hats, mittens, snowpants, etc...we ventured outside. My neighbour rocks and actually plowed our driveway today, so we were free from shoveling and decided to grab the sleds and go sledding down the big hill in our backyard. It was a blast! Just the two of us racing down the hill and running back up...laughing and screaming the whole time. It's weird how a bunch of snow will do that to you...no matter what age you are...if there's a decent snowfall out, we all let that 7 year old kid in us come out and run the show. Sledding, making snow angels, snowmen, snowball fights.....it's the best. Why can't we as adults be like this more often? Why does it take snow to make us remember how much happier and fun life can be acting like a kid?
Anyway, as we were going up and down the hill, I got to thinking....remember that Nickelback video "Savin Me"? There is a man walking around the city and he sees a timer counting down above everyone's head that signifies how much time they have left to live. I actually am NOT a Nickelback fan at all...but I really like that video. So, there I was freezin my bum off sitting in the snow at the top of the hill..watching Emma fly down on her sled, screaming the whole way. Of course diabetes was sitting right there next to me...kicking snow up in my face just to make sure I still remembered it was there. Like I could ever forget! I sat there thinking how great would it be if there could be a little number floating above Emma's head showing me what her current blood sugar was. All the activity of sledding and playing, the cold weather and snow, all of the factors coming into play in her body. It would be nice to just be able to look up at her and see where she was at. I know that's what the meter is for...but life would just be so much easier if it was right there floating above her head. I wouldn't have to sit there wondering...does she look pale? does she look lethargic? is she low? should I check her? I could just look at her...see the 5.2 perfection and keep sliding down the snowhill. Imagine how freaky that would be to the average Joe who knows nothing about diabetes and walked by us in the cereal aisle at the grocery store though!  Ahh....the stuff that skips through my mind sometimes....lolol.

Like a thief in the night

There are a few spots in our little corner of the world in which Emma seems to do her best thinking. The back seat of the car, lying in bed before she falls asleep, and in the bath. I've mentioned before that my kid is sort of a chatterbox and I'll admit...sometimes it gets to the point where all it sounds like to me is that "wah wah wah wah" sound that Charlie Brown's teacher makes on the Snoopy cartoons. Yea yea I'm a bad Mommy...I should listen more carefully to what my kid is saying all the time...lolol...but seriously, the girl loves to talk ALL the time! In any case, I have learned in the past almost 7 years that when she is in one of her particular "good thinking" spots...that I need to definitely pay attention, cause she is really needing to unload. She's needing to get all these thoughts out and feelings out and is looking to me for some reassurance.
So, last night while she was sitting in the bath she had something to say. "So, Mommy? When I am a teenager, do you think I will be like my brother and not talk to you or Daddy...and just be boring...and not want to play or do anything?" I have a stepson who is with us every other weekend and he is going to be 13 this April. He's already begun acting like the stereotypical teenager. Anyway, I told Emma that I didn't know how she would be. I told her that I hope she doesn't act that way. I hope that she still would want to talk to me and spend time with us...but I have no idea if that is how it will be. I told her that most teenagers find their parents pretty dorky and get embarassed by them. I did tell her that no matter what...she can't ever stop talking to me about her diabetes. No matter if she thinks I am dorky...or hates being around me...or whatever...she still will ALWAYS have to talk to me about her diabetes. She told me, "Aww Mommy....I will never think you are dorky! I want to talk to you ALL the time!" She is amazing....I love her so much it is just crazy.
Of course i always think about how much I wish she wasn't diabetic. On the other hand though, I am greatful that it has made her and I so close. I don't know if we would be as close if we didn't have to deal with diabetes every day. I can honestly say that I have never felt as connected to someone in my entire life. I know the Mommy/daughter bond is there...but I think diabetes has just made it a million times stronger. She is my world.
Sometimes...when I let my guard down...diabetes slips in like a thief in the night and makes my heart feel like it's being crushed for wanting a cure SO badly. It hurts more than anything I've ever felt. I try to block it out...and usually I can....but once and a while, it slips in and hurts as bad as it did that first day when I had to tell her she was diabetic.
Maybe there will be a cure before she's actually a teenager...then we can just live the normal fun-filled life with a teenager. Now there's something to hope for!!