Sunday, November 23, 2014

Six years, four months,and twenty-nine days

Diabetes sucked today. Plain and simple. It sucked.

Notice how I didn't say that I was the one who sucked? too. I guess I'm making progress in that aspect. In six years time, I've learned that when numbers suck and everything seems to be going wrong...that it's not my fault...but rather that it's diabetes fault.

Emma was high all day today...all freakin day..and it took me until almost 10pm to figure out why. I kind of feel like I've just run a marathon to be honest...which is strange to say, because it wasn't me and it wasn't my body having to go through the high blood sugar was hers. Nonetheless, it's how I feel right now at 10:30 on this particular Sunday night.

I realized though...that while I do know what it's like to fight this bastard of a disease day in and day out for six years, four months, and twenty-eight days.....I don't have a clue as to what it's like to fight it for six years, four months, and twenty-nine days. I don't know what will feel like. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know what numbers will show up on the screen of her blood sugar meter. I don't know if it will be another battle of highs...or maybe lows...or if it will be an average typical day of decent numbers.

I don't know. Because I'm not there yet.

Back when she was first diagnosed, I used to think ahead all the time. I used to wonder if she would be ok...if she would catch a stomach virus at school...if she'd have to endure struggles because of this disease. I would dwell on it. I would worry about it. I would get caught up in a never ending mental loop of "what ifs?"

I don't let myself live that way anymore.

I focus on today. I focus on the here and now. I live in the moment with her...because the moment is what I have in my grasp. I keep trying.

And when tomorrow comes, I will try again. I will know what it's like to do this for six years, four months, and twenty-nine days tomorrow...and that's how I will handle things then.

1 comment:

  1. hugs, amy. i'm glad that you are blaming the diabetes and not yourself. i think we put too much pressure on ourselves sometimes to be the perfect pancreas for our kids... which, of course, is impossible to do. we just love our kids so much and want the best for them. hopefully today, diabetes will suck a little less than it did yesterday.