I think too much.
I do...really...it's ridiculous at times, if I'm being completely honest.
Sometimes I find myself sitting there in the middle of the day, while Emma is at school, and I'm thinking about the numbers. It's not so much that I'm worried about what her number is at that moment (that was me about 2 years ago though lol), but more so I will think about what her numbers were the night before...or that morning...what her ratios is currently for her breakfast bolus...what her basal rate is for 2:00am. I will catch myself blindly staring into the kitchen...because that's where her meter sits..on the counter...that's where I keep my tools of the trade...my command central, really. I stare off into the kitchen and the numbers swirl around my brain. Throw a little sleep deprivation for the last six years in there..add a little....ok a LOT...of caffeine in there from that mornings pot of coffee...and you sometimes wind up with a whole murky mess of confusion sloshing about up there.
I guess it's because I have been conditioned over the years to try and decipher the patterns...echoes of the diabetes nurses voice in my head encouraging me to "loooook for the patterns. Seeeek out the pattern. The key is in the patternnnn!" I wish the numbers would connect and form a brilliantly obvious and beautiful pattern for me every time. In reality, it's not that easy...and sometimes...more often than I care to think about....the pattern remains elusive to me.
After all these years, I'm definitely not as panicky as I used to be about it. I'm not a slacker either though. I guess I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. It is what it is and if I find the pattern in her blood sugar numbers and am able to make the adjustments needed, then great...fanfreakintastic. BUT, if I don't find it...if I can't find it....I hunker down and wait....I sit on my couch and gaze into the kitchen...waiting...letting it swirl around in my head....holding onto my patience....OR, I ask for help.
See, the thing about diabetes that has been uber hard to accept still, is that sometimes there is nothing to be deciphered...sometimes there is no rhyme or reason as to why shitty numbers occur...sometimes it just is what it is...and you have to remind yourself over and over again that it's ok.
Patterns can be a beautiful thing. But, so is the ability to have a quiet mind...free of numbers.