My Life is a Never Ending Diabetes Awareness Month

So today is the last day of Diabetes Awareness Month. I sit here wondering if I did enough...if I shared enough...if I advocated enough. When is enough actually enough though when it comes to being the parent of a type 1 diabetic? Is that even a possibility? Are we even capable of throwing down that word "enough" and actually meaning it?
I don't know about any of you, but I know for certain that I have said on more than one occasion that "I'm DONE!"...."I just can't do this anymore!"...."I can't handle it!" I say it out of anger, frustration, exhaustion. I say it and at the time I suppose that I do mean it...but deep down in my heart, even as the words are falling from my lips...I know that I could never mean it. There is never going to be an enough is enough reality for me. I don't have the option to hang up my towel. I don't have the luxury of taking a break and handing over the reins to someone else for a while. Reality is honestly diabetes in the boxing ring with me on a daily basis. It is a never ending match. We go round after round...fists up and jaws clenched as we each await the inevitable blow thrown by the other. We each win a few rounds...but the damn bell keeps clanging and the ridiculous girl in the pancreas print bikini continues to walk around the ring holding up the sign to show the round number.
I will remain in that ring until my dying days or until a cure is found. I will keep going...keep relying on my spirit and the love I have for my daughter. I will draw upon my stubborn attitude and my inability to accept defeat. I will use that fire and continue to get back up on my feet and attack diabetes with a vengeance every single day.
So as this month comes to an end, I would just like to leave you with one thought...
Diabetes will continue to be in our lives...our friends lives...millions of other people's lives...every single day even after today is over. When you wake in the morning and change your calendar over to December 1st, know that there is a bleary eyed Mom of a diabetic stumbling about in her kitchen trying to get the coffee brewing and shake the exhaustion off long enough to be able to put a test strip in their child's blood sugar meter. She will make her way to her child, jab a needle into their finger tips that are calloused and scarred so she can squeeze out a droplet of blood to find out what blood sugar number she is going to have to deal with that morning. She is drawing on her own strength and beginning her next round in the ring with diabetes. As you sit down to eat your lunch tomorrow, know that there is another Mom or Dad of a diabetic out there trying to flag down a restaurant employee to get a copy of their nutrition guide so she can know how many carbs are in the food her child is so anxiously waiting to eat. The child that is hungry...watching their friends sit there and dig in to their food without a second thought...and he has to wait....for yet another needle in the finger...and a needle of insulin to take care of the food they will eat. As you sit down at your afternoon meeting, know that there is a type 1 individual who has been so busy with their day at work as well, that they haven't had a chance to grab an afternoon snack...and now they can feel the nausea coming on...the cold sweats...their hands are shaking uncontrollably...their heart is racing...they are seeing spots and are on the verge of passing out and having a hypoglycemic seizure. All because they were just trying to get their work done for a meeting...just like you...and they forgot to eat a snack. As you tuck your child into bed at night and kiss them on the forehead...tell them goodnight and see you in the morning....know that there is a parent of a type 1 diabetic child somewhere out there in the world who is doing the same thing. However, she feels like a fraud when she says "see you in the morning"....she can never say those words with 100% certainty like you can, because her child is type 1 diabetic. No matter how late she stays up to check their blood sugar, no matter how many times she sets her alarm for 3am to check it..........there is always the chance that her child could die in the middle of the night. They could die.....simply because they had a low blood sugar....because they are type 1 diabetic. That parent could wake up in the morning and walk in their child's room and find their baby dead.
dead.
gone forever.
She will never get to kiss her or hug her or hear her sweet voice. She will never make her dinner, play at the park with her, take her to the movies, play a game with her. She will never see her grow up, get married, have kids of her own. Instead she will have had her heart ripped from her chest....because diabetes stole her child from her while she slept in a moment of exhaustion.
Please don't let the end of this month signify the end of your concern or curiosity about this disease. My life is a never ending Diabetes Awareness Month.

How long can you do it? (A poem read best with a British accent)

Just wanted to share that I think I am a little sleep-deprived today...ok I KNOW I am a little sleep-deprived today...lol...because as I was writing this poem I was actually reading it out loud to myself using my best British accent....sounds much better that way, so feel free to try it out yourselves and let me know what you think...lol

How long can you do it?
How long do you think?
Through the valleys of the nights that are black
and the peaks of the days that are pink.
How long can you do it?
How long do you think?
To shoulder that responsibility
to carry that to the brink.
How long can you do it?
How long do you think?
Before the guilt, the strain, the weight
sends you plummeting into the drink.
How long can you do it?
How long do you think?
Wearing your mask of illusion,
your disguise with a wink.
How long can you do it?
How long do you think?
Climbing that ladder to hope
grasping hold of every link.
How long can you do it?
How long do you think?
Before your arms weaken
and your soul begins to sink.
Forever and a lifetime,
To the stars and beyond,
I will carry this weight
because I am your Mom.

The true spirit of a D-Momma

Honestly...what is right and what is wrong? There is a plethora (LOVE that word, by the way...one of my all time favorites) of options and choices and decisions and outcomes in this diabetic life. There is nothing black and white...nothing for certain...nothing that you can place your bets on. This is one thing that I have learned in the past 3 1/2 years...how to be ok (or at least accepting of) the fact that no matter how hard I try, no matter how certain I am that things will go a specific way...it's not always the case. I can feed Emma the exact same food at the exact same time every single day for a week....and she will have a different blood sugar 2 hours later every single time. Sure, I have gotten it as close to the same as I could ever possibly get it...but there is still always that curve ball that diabetes throws in there to throw the averages out of whack! Diabetes is an uncertain, sometimes pure fickle bastard, that does what it wants when it wants. We are merely supporting actors along for the ride. No matter how much I try to deny it, no matter how I try to make it not so, no matter how often I put on the confident face and the brave kickin booty attitude....I still know that deep down diabetes is shoving me out of the way and stealing my lines...stealing the spotlight. It is a constant battle...every single second of every single day. I think that is probably one of the biggest things that the majority of people in the world are unaware of. Diabetes isn't just merely a food/exercise related disease. It's not about staying away from sugary foods or taking the stairs to the office instead of the elevator. It's about the fine art of balancing an insane amount of factors for every single decision that we make every day. Blood sugars are affected by things like food, insulin, the weather, mood, stress, activity, illnesses like the common cold, growth spurts, excitement, fear, school, inactivity, changes in the normal daily routine, everything....absolutely everything affects blood sugars. It is up to the parent of a diabetic to learn how to become as good a juggler as possible to keep all of those factors up in the air at the same time and find that rhythm...that sweet spot (no pun intended) where everything is balancing out and flowing smoothly from one hand to the next. It's a lofty goal...certainly unattainable for most, if not all of us. Yet, we keep trying...we keep striving to become better and better at that juggling act...reaching for the stars and seeking that sweet spot...even though we know that diabetes most certainly will never let us find that spot and get comfy there for long. But oh...the satisfaction and the pride we feel while we are lucky enough to be in that spot for the moment we are actually there....it's priceless...it gives us that much more strength and drive to get back there again.
I suppose I don't really have a huge point to this blog post...other than I wanted to put it out there to all of those who might be reading this that are not aware of the amount of factors involved in the management of this disease. It's an extremely difficult task that we endure every day for our kids. We do our best. We get good results...and bad results...and we move on to the next number...the next moment...the next juggling act. It's all we can do...because really at this point, it's all we know.
So, next time you run into a friend that happens to be a parent of a diabetic...try to ignore the dark circles under their eyes from lack of sleep (they've been up all night juggling and trying to find that balance). Give them a hug, tell them that you think they are doing a great job. You will probably see a deep honest gratitude in their eyes. You will probably also see a sparkle in their eyes that is merely a renewed strength they are finding to make it through the rest of their day...a strength found simply because you have shown them they can count on you for encouragement. Karma is a real thing and I know for certain that any D-Mom out there would be the first to show up on your doorstep in your own time of need...because she knows...she cares...she gets it.

Interview with a 7 year old

Thought we'd try something new this time and post a link to a video taped interview I did with Emma tonight. For some reason I can't get the video to load on this post...so here is a link to it on youtube. Hope you like it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kqfmgb0gsL0

I also apologize in advance because the audio is not quite in sync with the video...yea...i'm not smart enough to figure out how to fix this...lol

Poem for the warriors in us all

The battle cry of the cold and broken
the lost and scared
the fearful unspoken.
It rings true through the land
desolate and free
amidst the swirling sand
disguising thee.
We gather as one at the top of the hill
arm and arm we stand tall
one body, one spirit, one wish, one will.
Race towards the unknown
determined to win
bodies tensed, fire in our eyes, never alone
for we are now kin.
Feet pounding below us threatening to sink
your sand trying to swallow,
push us to the brink.
The rush of the fight
the puzzle complete
we no longer have fright
victory will be sweet.
Try as you may,
you will never defeat
for we are as one this day
we can not be beat!

After all that we've been through

After all that we've been through,
after all that we've done
I could not defeat you
I could not have won.
You've made me who I am today
I hate to admit it, through your sly ways
I am brave, strong, and able to say
I can, I will, I must go on.
After all that we've seen,
after all that we've heard
you were right there beside me
like a small delicate bird.
Wings fluttering through the air,
keeping time with the beat deep inside my chest.
Forgetting all the rest
Soaring through the trees above
You've made me realize
that I am loved.
After all that we've been through
after all that we've done,
you are my hero
you are the one.

Learning to let her fight some of her own battles

I learned a very important lesson today in the diabetes department as well as the parenting department. It's kind of funny how those two departments seem to go hand in hand more often than not...sort of depressing if I think about it too hard. Anyway, I picked Emma up from school for lunch today and as we were walking back to the car...she proceeded to tell me about an incident at morning recess. For those of you with school aged children, I'm quite sure you have experienced the similar stories from your kids...so and so picked on me...or so and so wouldn't play with me...or so and so wouldn't let me have a turn on the monkey bars. So, I basically kept walking along expecting to hear a version of one of the above typical stories from her. Instead I was met with a story that left me feeling like my blood was literally on fire. Emma said that a boy in the grade above her had just found out today that she has diabetes...which that in and of itself was a little strange because she has known this particular boy for over a year now. Anyhoo, she said that as soon as he found out he instantly backed away from her thinking that it was contagious. He was running just out of arms reach of her and shouting, "stay away from me! I don't want to catch your diabetes!" First of all, I understand that kids can be cruel. They can bully, pick on each other, be rude, call names, and just be downright mean...for no particular reason...just because they want to be. I know this. I went to school myself. I'm not naive in that at all. I knew that at one point or another Emma would encounter some form of ignorance or bullying in regards to her diabetes. I had tried to brace myself and prepare myself for the conversation I would have with her once this did occur. I had the script all laid out in my mind and I was ready to open my mouth and let these amazing words fly and instantly make her feel better...feel safe...understand the way of the world and how human nature can sometimes be nasty. Well, it all flew right out the window in that moment. I wanted to cry for her. I wanted to abruptly turn around and march right back into the school and demand to see the principal. I wanted to shout at her and let her know how kids at her school were behaving...especially seeing as how they had JUST recently had a bullying awareness assembly not that long ago. I wanted to storm into this little boys classroom and yell at him. I wanted to explain to him that you CAN'T catch diabetes! You CAN'T get it by touching Emma! So STOP being such an ignorant ass and be nice to her...and if you can't for some reason be nice to her...then just LEAVE HER ALONE and don't say anything at all!! I wanted to do all of these things....but I didn't. Instead I looked down at my little girl walking beside me..sharing a moment of her day...and I was in shock to see that she had a huge cheesy smile on her face. I had fully expected tears in her eyes and a look of pure sadness and unfairness. I had expected her to tell me that she hates her diabetes and that she wants to just be like everyone else. I had expected all of these things...and I was wrong. She smiled and giggled and looked up at me and said, "You know what I did when he said that to me Mommy? I laughed at him because he looked so silly running all around me scared...and then I felt sorry for him because of how clueless he is. And then I just went back to playing with my friends." Once again I felt the tears stinging the back of my eyes...this time for an entirely different reason...this time the tears were of pride. I know I have said it many times before, but I honestly have never met another soul like her. She amazes me on a daily basis with how she thinks, how she reacts to things, how she carries herself. Sometimes she scares me honestly. I am afraid that I am missing something...I'm afraid that I am not smart enough or insightful enough to teach her what she needs to know. I love her more than anything or anyone I have ever met in my life...not only because she is my daughter...but also because of how she handled herself today. As a Mom I often wonder how she is when I'm not with her. I of course want to protect her and be there for her...stand up for her...fight her battles for her. I learned today though that she needs to fight some of these battles herself. She needs to have the experience and figure out how she is going to respond and react. She needs to do these things for herself so she can prove to herself that she is capable of handling anything that is thrown her way...because in her lifetime (as we wait for a cure) she is going to come across many ignorant people...people who will not be understanding...people who will be mean...people who will try to hurt her. She needs to learn these skills now at the age of 7....so she can realize that she is a tough kid...she is a brave kid...she can handle anything out there.
So, I learned the fine art of self-control today by not running riot through her school trying to right the horrible wrong that occured this morning. I learned that my kid is even more strong than I though she was (which was already a ridiculous amount of strong! LOL!) I learned that she is quite capable of standing up for herself and recognizing the ignorance and not letting it hurt her...simply laughing it off and continuing on about her day. This was a huge experience for the both of us and I think we came out on the other side pretty good.