Meeting the new teacher

Emma and I went to meet with her new teacher this afternoon at the school. For some reason I am finding myself less worried and stressed than I have been in previous years. Not sure why really? Maybe it's because she is pumping now and her numbers are more consistant? Maybe it's because this will be our 3rd school year with diabetes? Maybe it's because she is now 7 and has grown tremendously in managing her diabetes? I think it's a combo of them all really. I have noticed Emma becoming more responsible and knowledgable over this summer regarding diabetes. She is able to recognize her lows probably 4 out of 5 times. She has been bolusing herself pretty much every single time (i like to give her a break from the task whenever she needs it, so i still help with that part). We've been working with teaching her the whole insulin on board feature and how that can play a factor in things when she is bolusing. She has shown interest in helping prepare a new infusion set on site change day. She is curious and wants to learn things. I think this is one of the many things that I love about the pump. Emma would go through phases when on injections where she would want to prepare it and actually administer it herself...but then she would lose interest after a while. I would never push it...because like I said before, she will have to deal with this for the rest of her life (or until a cure is found! please please pretty please make it soon!)...so I don't want her to get burned out. With the pump however, I am finding her truly interested and wanting to know as much as possible about ALL of it. I love how it seems to make her feel more independant and "normal". I love how she has not only accepted it...but really loves it...it's a part of her and I can see first hand how much it means to her.
Anyway, I got a little off topic there...sorry...I can't help but profess my love for our Ping sometimes! While meeting with her 2nd grade teacher (Emma starts school next week Tuesday), I went through the usual speech...highs, lows, snacks, gym, BG checks, bolusing. I handed over all of my papers and info sheets to her with our phone numbers on them. When all was said and done, I looked up at her and finally realized that she was nervous. I found myself trying to reassure her that everything would be ok, she could call me anytime with any questions, Emma is very good about all of it. She mentioned to me that she was nervous a couple of times...but she knew that once they got into the swing of things and she got to know Emma a little better that she was sure the nervousness wouldn't be so bad. She told me that she appreciated all of the info and getting to talk with me. She said that during the school year she always refers to the class as "her kids" because she truly looks at them in that way...she is there to not only educate them...but to also take care of them...and care for them. So, we left there feeling pretty good about the whole thing. I was beyond happy to hear what she had to say about calling them "her kids"...i think that is such an incredible thing and am once again so lucky to have come across another phenomenal teacher. Seeing her nervous made me a bit nervous though at first...until I read a comment a friend of mine posted on Facebook about how it was a good thing that she was nervous...it meant that she cares and will be looking after Emma in the way that I hoped for. I should be nervous if I found this teacher to not be nervous herself...to not care or treat it like it wasn't important or a big deal at all...then I should have a problem.
So....fingers crossed...I think we will have a good year. It will still be beyond difficult to hand over my kid to another complete stranger...entrusting her with Emma's life...praying that she will be ok every school day...but at least I can breathe a little easier knowing that the teacher is on board with everything and will be looking out for my girl.

Poem of our amazing day

Had an incredible day with Emma today. I'm still amazed at how it could be possible that I seem to love her more and more every single day...respect her more...admire her more. I am sure going to miss having her with me every day once she goes back to school next week. Here is a poem I wrote about her and our day today.

Softly whispering wind moving across the open field of grass
Hearing your giggles
Watching you run so free,
your hair flying out and trailing behind you
Following close behind
always there
Feeling my heart swell with love...pride...respect
Feeling the smile take over my entire face
as I watch you...being a kid.
You make me feel an unimaginable amount of happiness
every single time I look at you.
Take a mental snapshot of this moment in our lives
Hoping to remember it for always and forever.
Sun shining down upon us warming our souls...our spirits...our bond.
I love you more than hearts and stars
Thank you for making me smile every day
Thank you for making me hold on to those little moments in the sun...hold them close to my heart.
Thank you for making me laugh uncontrollably
and feel like I am 7 years old again.
Thank you for making me feel important...and like I matter.
For looking at me with immense trust and unconditional love in your eyes.
Thank you for being you....unique and beautiful.

Buskers and friends who are family

So on the weekend Emma and I went to a Busker Festival downtown with a good friend. She is fantastic and we absolutely love her. I would have never crossed paths with her I am quite sure...if not for diabetes. She is a T1 diabetic as well and I am so beyond greatful that we have her in our lives. She is always there for me...be it when we first started pumping and I was having a full blown panic attack because Emma's BG's were skyrocketing for no apparent reason and I had no idea what to do...and obviously it was at night time and the doctor on call was not doing his duty in returning my calls of panic! She is there to brighten my day with a laugh...actually care enough to ask me how my morning went...or help me pass the time late at night by playing the random "Let's Google Something Funny" game we came up with. Emma adores her. Through our involvement with JDRF, Emma has been lucky enough to meet many kids with T1 just like her...she has a ton of fun hanging out with them and playing at get togethers. I absolutely LOVE the fact though that Emma has someone like Nadine in her life too. I love that she can spend time with her, giggle with her, tease each other, and basically see that T1 has not stopped her either...and she is a grownup! LOL!
Anyway, we all got together and went to this festival which is basically a street fair full of street performers juggling, fire tricks, acrobatics, comedy...they have it all. We had an incredible time! I can't stop thinking though about one particular moment of the day. We were standing there gathered around an act...standing amongst quite a crowd of people actually...watching them perform. I was standing next to our friend and Emma was in front of me. Near the end of the act, I stood there looking from Emma to Nadine...seeing them watch the action. I saw the common bond between them. I saw the incredible connection they have. It's on a level that I will never be able to truly get to be honest...I don't have diabetes. I hope that our friend knows how much it means to me that she is in Emma's life. I hope she knows how greatful I am and how I could never thank her enough. She is kind and caring...one of those honest to goodness truly down to Earth good people.
At the end of the performance, I had a bit of an odd feeling as well. I found myself searching Emma's face for signs of a low because I hadn't checked her in a while and like usual was worried about the number. I also found myself searching our friend's face for signs of a low too! I was worried about both of them...a little ridiculous I suppose seeing as how our friend is a full grown responsible adult quite capable of taking care of herself! I couldn't help it though...I was on D-alert...I was worried for them both. Turns out they were both actually high...within 1 number of each other at that! Crazy.
So, to make a long story short...I am lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I may not have my family her with me in Canada....but I have some amazing friends. I hope they know that I consider them to be my family and I love them dearly.

Funniest videos!

Ok, so i know this isnt really diabetes related...but i couldnt help but share this....lol...it's a video of Emma pretending to be a character named Angus from the kids show "So Random"...he's a tippity top model from Australia...he models shins....and he's pretty funny. My kid is nuts!

Wouldn't it be nice?

Sometimes I sit here and wonder what our lives would be like if I had made different choices. I'm sure most people go through similar thought processes at one time or another in their lives really. I usually find myself doing this everytime we come back from visiting my family in Wisconsin. I always wonder what it would be like to have my little family living down there with them in the same city...hell, even the same state! I wonder if Emma would be the same kind of kid she is now. I wonder if she would be more outgoing, less outgoing, loved by more people and therefore feel better about herself? Don't get me wrong...she is completely loved by Shawn and I here...but she doesn't really have the grandparent figures in her life at all here...she hasn't since day 1 pretty much. I wonder just how much it affects her and her personality. It's crazy that I worry about things like this I suppose.
I also wonder if my own life would be different. Would I be as strong as I am now if I had been living there when she was diagnosed? I would have had my family...parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and brother around me for emotional support too instead of just Shawn. Once again...don't get me wrong...Shawn is an amazing man who is very supportive...but I just wonder if I would have turned out differently if I had had that extra circle of family around me in that difficult time. On one hand, I am extremely proud of us and what we have accomplished all on our own. I am amazed that I haven't actually lost my mind after having gone through all that we have. Emma was diagnosed just 2 months before she started junior kindergarten...I was terrified, but I sent her off to school anyway...because I knew that if I didn't do it then, I never would. We've dealt with countless illnesses both on her part and my own. We've handled transitioning to the pump. We've traveled, gone on field trips, lost family members, holidays, and everything that comes across our path. We've done it on our own...and I am truly proud of us and I know in my heart that we are stronger people for having done it on our own. However, I can't help but wonder...would we be different people or less strong in some way if we had in fact had that help instead?
I've said it a billion times now I'm sure...but I will say it again...diabetes is hard. It is grueling. It takes and takes and takes without a care or concern for your situation. It can hang out there in the background waiting with bated breath to leap out and throw your child's life into upheaval. Other times it can make you feel like you are walking around with the weight of the world on your shoulders...dragging you down...forcing you to your knees and making you feel like you just can...not...do...it...anymore. Wouldn't it be nicer and a bit more sweet to have that extra family members shoulder to lean on or cry on during those times? Wouldn't it be nicer and a bit more sweet to have the option of having them around to help shoulder that burden? I think it would be incredible.
I guess in a nutshell I am jealous of those out there who have family close by who are willing to help. I don't like being jealous. I know that my family supports me over the phone and when we do get to visit them. I am truly greatful for that. I guess I am just missing them and as usual getting lost in my own head thinking about how different our life with diabetes could have been.

Tornado warnings and bowling angels

Since returning from our road trip back home, we have experienced aftershock tremors from an earthquake in Virginia...and now a wicked thunderstorm and tornado warning last night. Normally I am a big fan of lightening and thunder storms...not the damage they may cause...but the sheer power of them. I love watching the sky light up and hearing the booming thunder sound like it is ripping apart the sky above us. I think it really is an amazing thing. When i was little, I was always told that story of how the sound of thunder was just the angels bowling up in heaven...and the lightening was God taking pictures of us down here on Earth. So, anytime a storm would occur you could find me sitting on my bed in my room with the curtains pulled back...my face pressed to the window...smiling my biggest and prettiest smile for God to take my picture. It makes me smile now just thinking about it.
Last night however, I can honestly say that it was the first time in my life that I was actually scared. I was afraid of the non stop lightening and the vicious winds whipping through the trees. We sat there on the loveseat...Shawn, Emma, and myself...all scrunched together...watching the weather channel for updates on the storm. As soon as the screen flashed red across the bottom and announced that people in our area were to seek shelter immediately...my stomach leaped up into my throat. I was panicked...my heart was pounding in my ears. A million thoughts flew through my head...but of course the main one was Emma...and diabetes. I do not have a D-emergency bag put together...the thought never occured to me...I mean, I live in Ontario...we rarely get any sort of horrendous weather here...nothing more than your typical snow storms or summer thunder showers. Emma immediately began crying and grabbed a bag to throw in a few precious toys and items that she wanted to bring in the basement with us. It broke my heart to see her sobbing out of fear...worried that our house would be blown away like Dorothy was blown to the land of Oz...she was terrified and there was nothing I could do to console her because I too was just as scared. I grabbed a grocery bag and began throwing boxes of D-supplies in it, food and juice for if she went low, meter, ketone meter, water...everything and anything that I could think of. It's a good thing that we just got back from our road trip because my brain was still holding on to that lingering methodical mental checklist of items that we could possibly need in any given situation. Shawn grabbed Emma...I grabbed the cat...and we headed down to the basement. It was the first time in my entire life that I actually had to do something like that. Worry filled my brain and threatened to take over...once we were actually down there though, something clicked over for me...in emergency or stressful situations I have a tendency to focus really well...I calmed Emma down...got her giggling...it was odd. How do I go from complete and total panic to complete and total focus and calmness in a matter of minutes...it's weird...I don't understand it...but I am greatful for it.
In any case, all is well now...we are ok...the house is ok...the sun is currently shining. I now have a better understanding and grasp of what I should have and will definitely be doing today...getting an emergency D-supply bag together and keeping it in the basement.

Our surprise road trip to Wisconsin!!

Well, Emma and I are back home safe and sound in Canada. We survived the 1900km round trip road trip. I am currently suffering from "carthritis"...sore knees and I keep making that old lady "umph" noise everytime I kneel down or get up off of the floor. Anyway, I am majorly impressed with us. We took our time driving, enjoyed the fun that is road tripping, and had an awesome time visiting my family. It was definitely a trip I will never forget. We didn't tell my parents that we were coming because we wanted to surprise them...and let me tell you that all of those kilometers (or miles...if you will) and all of the traffic, road construction, bad drivers, and disgusting road side bathroom stops were all worth it when I saw the look on my Mom's face as we walked around the corner of my Aunt's house and saw her sitting on the deck. It was priceless. I hope that she knows I would drive to the ends of the Earth to see her and be able to let her spend some quality time with Emma. It was amazing.

We never let the big D get in our way either. We went to the movies, indoor playground (where I had to deal with a stubborn low upon arrival), pizza, ice cream, true honest to goodness Italian food (I have been too scared to give Emma pasta since starting to pump because I was afraid I would guess wrong on the carbs...but I just jumped right in and let her enjoy it!), visits with family members, shopping till we dropped, mini golf, meeting a fellow D-mom and friend and seeing Emma instantly connect with her Type 1 daughter, we did it all. We had a few highs and a few lows. I saw them, I fixed them, we moved on. It was incredible. I was not stressed or worried. I didn't expect the worst. I just went with the flow. It was like diabetes was just in the background...keeping quiet...not interferring...not interrupting. It wasn't lurking in the shadows breathing down my neck. It wasn't the monster that it sometimes can be. For the first time in a long time...it was just there. Our time and our moments were #1 priority.
I will always remember this trip for a number of reasons. Obviously the first one would be getting to be together with people that love us. They love us for who we are...unconditionally. They may live in another country from us...but when our hearts beat, they can feel it too. When we struggle they feel it...when we triumph, they feel it too. It had been a year since we were there last and over that year I have talked to my Mom on the phone countless times about how scared I was about the pump, cried to her when Emma was fighting off a tummy bug and her BG's were out of control. I've talked to her in moments of utter panic and despair while going through the frightening times with diabetes. I've spoken to her about how proud I was of Emma and how much she has grown and overcome in spite of living with this disease. I've shared my fears, my joys, my worries, and my love. She has listened to me with patience and love. She has been there for me. I know it can't be easy for her to live so far away from us and have to sit there feeling so helpless when we are in moments of struggle. It must be an unbelievably difficult and overwhelming pain. I love that she is there for me. I love that she is not only my Mom...but she is also my friend. She would do anything for us simply because she loves us. I hope she knows how much we love her. It breaks my heart everytime I leave there though. It feels like someone has punched me and knocked the breath from my lungs when I drive away and see her eyes. I see the tears falling from them, I see the tears falling from Emma's eyes, I feel the tears stinging my own eyes and I have to focus all of my will on breathing...just breathing and controlling it so I don't cry and make either of them more upset than they already are. It's beyond difficult. So instead I sit here now and cry as I type this out. I sit here wondering if her heart hurts as much as mine. I feel like such a horrible daughter for taking Emma away from my parents. I feel like the worst person in the world because I decided to live so far away and now because of that decision...I have made it hard for them to be physically in her life...and that breaks my heart. I feel like the worst Mom ever as well because I am depriving Emma of having them live closer to her and be able to see her all the time. I hate that. My husbands family isn't really around Emma that much...they either don't have the time or don't care to make the effort. I LOVE being back home and getting to see her interact with my family and be around people who actually want to be around her....and then come back here and have her only have Shawn and myself for her family. Don't get me wrong...we have some amazing friends that are just like family....but I would give anything for her to have here what she has there too.
Anyway, enough with the sadness....I also will never forget this trip because I got to spend such amazing quality time with Emma...roughly a total of 20 hours round trip in the car with her...just talking, giggling, singing, carseat dancing, all of our road side stops were pretty hilarious. We pulled off the highway in Lawrence, MI and found the Waffle House of America...went inside and discovered that we happened to find the 5th best bathroom in America 2004....lol...it was so awesome that I took pictures of the toilet...lol...which caused Emma to laugh that special kind of laugh where absolutely no sound comes out. We took pictures of senior citizens on a bus trip because Emma thought is was odd that they were all wearing name tags. We stopped in random little towns and ate lunch and supper feeling like we were in some foreign land because no one knew us and it all looked a little "off" like in that episdoe of Seinfeld about bizarro world. She sang one line from one Stevie Nicks song over and over again for about 5 hours straight...I think I went on autopilot at that point and had a sort of out of body experince while I slipped off the cliff into the canyon of loony town.
It was an amazing trip. Our little moments together and our memories of this past week will stay with us forever. Diabetes didn't win. Diabetes didn't get in the way. It was just a Mommy and her daughter going on a road trip together. We came. We saw. We conquered. We had the best time ever.