So at one point in my life, I read a book about Astrology and Zodiac signs. I'm an Aquarius and so is Emma actually. I don't remember very much about the book to be honest, but a few things have stuck in my brain that I thought I would share. Apparantly Aquarians parents are very well suited to have Aquarian children...good thing for me on that one! My all-time favorite factoid (love that word..."factoid"!) from that book though was that it said that Aquarians tend to surround themselves with oddball people. We gravitate towards the unusual folks. We have a wicked sense of humour and love to be around people that will make us laugh like lunatics. Ok...I might have exagerated (are there 1 or 2 "g's" in that word? when did I turn into such a horrible speller? I will have you know that I won $20 and the 1st place trophy in my 6th grade spelling bee at camp!...wonder what happened to that skill of mine? I'm gonna blame it on diabetes...lol...why not? woah...would you look at that...I just had a whole little conversation in my parentheses...nice) on that one a bit. But it definitely did say something about loving the unusual and hilarious people of the world!
As I look back on my life (wow...I'm talking like I am 88 years old or something!), I realize that every single person that I became friends with...every single person I sought out and wanted to spend time with...they were all a bunch of goofball characters. That is what made me happy.
Now, I see Emma doing the same thing at school with her friends and I have to admit...it makes me giggle. I see her passing over the opportunity to jump rope at recess and instead choosing to go play "Monkey Man and Gorilla Girl Save the Universe" with some friends. I see her wanting to go play Secret Agent Spies with friends outside instead of tag. I think that is awesome. I love that she's creative and seeks out other kiddos that are creative too.
I think that the ability to laugh and the ability to think outside the box are incredibly important traits to have when living a life with diabetes. Reason being is diabetes is a taker...it's a relentless bully that just takes and takes and takes until you feel like you just don't have anything left to be taken. Diabetes is always there and more often than not, it doesn't play nice and it doesn't play fair. So, to have the ability to find the humour in a stressful situation and laugh in the face of it...well, I just think that is one of the best traits to posess.
Well, I think I'm going to end this post right here...keep it short and sweet and to the point. My brain is a little scrambled at the moment from being out in 104F temp. all day today. I would love to know how to make that little tiny circle symbol for "degrees" on here...it's driving me nuts for some reason...I can make a smiley face...I can make a heart...but I can't make a stinkin degree symbol! Curses! lolol...ok now I'm rambling....and I really must go before crazy pump lady "Flo" comes back....lolol
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Mailman Metaphor
I'm frustrated....why does everything always have to be so friggin hard? Why does everything have to be so difficult to figure out and work around and manage and DO? Just for once, I would love for something...anything...to be easy. I would love to be able to think of something that I need to do...step out into the great big world and get it done...1, 2, 3...done. It never seems to work out that way though. I always hear people say things like "God never gives you more than you can handle"....well I am really at the point that I think that is a load of crap now. I look at other people who are a lot more equipped and a lot more capable than I am...and they don't have these things in their lives. I know...I know...everyone has there own cross to bear and trials to go through in life. But, I swear sometimes it feels like I must have been the BIGGEST jerk in my last life to have some of the difficult things thrown my way that I have had in this life.
I don't mean for this to sound like a pity party...I just need to blab it all out somewhere...or else I might explode and tear the mailman's head off later this morning instead. That wouldn't be fair...he seems like such a nice fella. A day in the life of a mailman is sort of a good metaphor for my life I think. Like the mailman, I walk along the same route...see the same houses...same cracks in the sidewalk every single day. I attempt to keep a good pace, keeping the contents of my bag somewhat organized so I can do a good job and deliver things to the proper places. I keep a log and write down the details every single day of Emma's blood sugars, her activity, the food she eats. I try to keep things similar day to day so I can see that pattern and find those familiar cracks in the sidewalk. While I am juggling all of those details in my bag, I also attempt to educate my daughter. I try to share important details with her so that one day she will remember and know how to manage that situation on her own when she is grown and not living with me anymore. I try to educate the people in our lives a bit too. It's sometimes a futile effort...sort of like handing out that junk mail flyer...the majority of the time people just toss it away in the trash without a second glance, but sometimes....every once and a while...someone will take the time to read it, someone will take the time to really listen to what I am saying and take it to heart.
Sometimes, the mailman will come across a viscious looking dog chained up outside as well. Diabetes is sort of like that dog for me. I need to plan ahead and sometimes use quick thinking and manuever my way past that viscious dog to get to the mailbox and deliver what I need to. Sometimes in a difficult to manage situation, I need to find that perfect (is there such a thing?) balance between activity, insulin, and food. I don't always succeed and make it to that metaphorical mailbox (perfect balance) in tact...in fact more often than not, I wind up making it there with quite a few metaphorical bites and scratches along the way.
I just keep moving along though...one foot in front of the other...one step at a time. Sometimes like this week, the rain pours down on me and the humidity is so stifling that it feels like I won't ever be able to breathe normal again...but I still keep moving. Diabetes is exhausting. Sometimes LIFE is exhausting. I wonder if the day will ever come that I will run out of that drive and that force pushing me along my route up hill. I wonder if I will ever reach the top. I wish I could know how many more steps that it's going to take to get there...
I don't mean for this to sound like a pity party...I just need to blab it all out somewhere...or else I might explode and tear the mailman's head off later this morning instead. That wouldn't be fair...he seems like such a nice fella. A day in the life of a mailman is sort of a good metaphor for my life I think. Like the mailman, I walk along the same route...see the same houses...same cracks in the sidewalk every single day. I attempt to keep a good pace, keeping the contents of my bag somewhat organized so I can do a good job and deliver things to the proper places. I keep a log and write down the details every single day of Emma's blood sugars, her activity, the food she eats. I try to keep things similar day to day so I can see that pattern and find those familiar cracks in the sidewalk. While I am juggling all of those details in my bag, I also attempt to educate my daughter. I try to share important details with her so that one day she will remember and know how to manage that situation on her own when she is grown and not living with me anymore. I try to educate the people in our lives a bit too. It's sometimes a futile effort...sort of like handing out that junk mail flyer...the majority of the time people just toss it away in the trash without a second glance, but sometimes....every once and a while...someone will take the time to read it, someone will take the time to really listen to what I am saying and take it to heart.
Sometimes, the mailman will come across a viscious looking dog chained up outside as well. Diabetes is sort of like that dog for me. I need to plan ahead and sometimes use quick thinking and manuever my way past that viscious dog to get to the mailbox and deliver what I need to. Sometimes in a difficult to manage situation, I need to find that perfect (is there such a thing?) balance between activity, insulin, and food. I don't always succeed and make it to that metaphorical mailbox (perfect balance) in tact...in fact more often than not, I wind up making it there with quite a few metaphorical bites and scratches along the way.
I just keep moving along though...one foot in front of the other...one step at a time. Sometimes like this week, the rain pours down on me and the humidity is so stifling that it feels like I won't ever be able to breathe normal again...but I still keep moving. Diabetes is exhausting. Sometimes LIFE is exhausting. I wonder if the day will ever come that I will run out of that drive and that force pushing me along my route up hill. I wonder if I will ever reach the top. I wish I could know how many more steps that it's going to take to get there...
Friday, May 27, 2011
9g of carbs and PURE happiness
It's the little things in life that make us the happiest. I always knew that was a true and valid statement I suppose. I mean who doesn't get happy to see the sun shining? Who doesn't smile when they hear a baby laugh? Who doesn't love it when someone brings them a nice cup of coffee first thing in the morning? Aside from the Grinch or maybe that grumpy old man from the movie "Up"...I think this statement is true for everyone. In any case though, even though I always knew that statement to be true....it never really sunk in exactly HOW true it is until tonight.
Let me set the stage for you first. Emma had just finished watching a couple episodes of "The Suite Life of Zach and Cody." She had come downstairs to go potty and have her blood sugar checked before going to sleep. This has been our routine for pretty much the past three years. I was standing in my usual spot in front of the stove and Emma was standing in her usual spot next to me. I checked her finger and it was a decent number in my opinion for her to go to bed at...8.5(153)...so I put everything away and was about to head upstairs for the old "goodnight kisses and hugs and tell her what should be on her 'cloud' routine". She lingered for a moment in front of the pantry and grabbed a small packet of fruit snacks...Super Mario 3D fruit snacks to be exact...there's only 2 of them in there...they are only 9g of carb. She looked up at me and said, "Mommy? I'm still hungry...can I have this?" She had this look on her face like she usually does in this situation...hopeful eyes, and yet ready to hear a "No" from me. She was hopeful and yet apprehensive. You would have thought that she was asking me if she could eat an entire chocolate cake loaded down with sprinkles or something. My heart ached to see that apprehension...it was like a slap in the face from a very angry blue haired granny's huge plastic purse. For the past three years I have had to tell her "No, you already had your snack...it's time for bed. Or if it really is that important to you, than I will have to give you an extra needle." For the past three years, I have had to force her to choose between a tiny little extra snack and having to get an extra needle. For the past three years, I have had to see her choose one or the other and see either her disappointment at not getting to eat something....or her having to endure yet another needle jab just to simply be able to eat that tiny little extra snack. It's not a normal thing...it's not normal or ok to have to deny your child food. It's not a good feeling...it's wrong...there is nothing good about it in the slightest.
However, tonight...when she asked me for that tiny extra snack.....
I got to say yes.
I got to say YES!!! I got to see the look of joy and freedom and normalcy in my daughter's eyes. I got to watch her eat a tiny little 9g carb snack when it wasn't even "snack time".....or a "meal time"....or an ANY TIME!!! I got to say yes........and that is worth more to me than any one other than my D-family could ever possible comprehend.
The pump....this little pink, AA battery operated device called something so silly as, "Ping"....this thing has given me back my right to LET MY CHILD EAT WHEN SHE WANTS TO EAT! That is such an incredible thing. It is something most people take for granted all day every day...if you're hungry, just grab something and eat it without a second thought. Well, for THREE YEARS, I have had that right taken away from my daughter. It finally sunk in for me tonight....that we have been given this amazing gift/right again....it's her right again....it's her freedom again...it's her CHOICE again!!! I don't think I could possibly be more happy than I am right now....and it's all over something so simple as being able to say yes to a 9g carb fruit snack.
Amazing
Let me set the stage for you first. Emma had just finished watching a couple episodes of "The Suite Life of Zach and Cody." She had come downstairs to go potty and have her blood sugar checked before going to sleep. This has been our routine for pretty much the past three years. I was standing in my usual spot in front of the stove and Emma was standing in her usual spot next to me. I checked her finger and it was a decent number in my opinion for her to go to bed at...8.5(153)...so I put everything away and was about to head upstairs for the old "goodnight kisses and hugs and tell her what should be on her 'cloud' routine". She lingered for a moment in front of the pantry and grabbed a small packet of fruit snacks...Super Mario 3D fruit snacks to be exact...there's only 2 of them in there...they are only 9g of carb. She looked up at me and said, "Mommy? I'm still hungry...can I have this?" She had this look on her face like she usually does in this situation...hopeful eyes, and yet ready to hear a "No" from me. She was hopeful and yet apprehensive. You would have thought that she was asking me if she could eat an entire chocolate cake loaded down with sprinkles or something. My heart ached to see that apprehension...it was like a slap in the face from a very angry blue haired granny's huge plastic purse. For the past three years I have had to tell her "No, you already had your snack...it's time for bed. Or if it really is that important to you, than I will have to give you an extra needle." For the past three years, I have had to force her to choose between a tiny little extra snack and having to get an extra needle. For the past three years, I have had to see her choose one or the other and see either her disappointment at not getting to eat something....or her having to endure yet another needle jab just to simply be able to eat that tiny little extra snack. It's not a normal thing...it's not normal or ok to have to deny your child food. It's not a good feeling...it's wrong...there is nothing good about it in the slightest.
However, tonight...when she asked me for that tiny extra snack.....
I got to say yes.
I got to say YES!!! I got to see the look of joy and freedom and normalcy in my daughter's eyes. I got to watch her eat a tiny little 9g carb snack when it wasn't even "snack time".....or a "meal time"....or an ANY TIME!!! I got to say yes........and that is worth more to me than any one other than my D-family could ever possible comprehend.
The pump....this little pink, AA battery operated device called something so silly as, "Ping"....this thing has given me back my right to LET MY CHILD EAT WHEN SHE WANTS TO EAT! That is such an incredible thing. It is something most people take for granted all day every day...if you're hungry, just grab something and eat it without a second thought. Well, for THREE YEARS, I have had that right taken away from my daughter. It finally sunk in for me tonight....that we have been given this amazing gift/right again....it's her right again....it's her freedom again...it's her CHOICE again!!! I don't think I could possibly be more happy than I am right now....and it's all over something so simple as being able to say yes to a 9g carb fruit snack.
Amazing
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Sometimes I know things....and other times I just walk into things
Sometimes I feel like a drill sargeant. Sometimes I feel like a broken record. Sometimes I feel like people expect me to be like the Encyclopedia Britannica Volume (D) for diabetes and know all there is to know. Sometimes I feel like I am running against the wind. (no idea why that song popped into my head!) Sometimes I feel like I worry too much. Sometimes I feel like I don't worry enough. Sometimes I feel like this is never going to end. Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in a room full of strangers and I'm standing in a corner feeling like I don't belong. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to belong. Sometimes I feel like I have no room left in my head for any more diabetes stress. Sometimes I feel like I could go an entire day without even mentioning the word "diabetes" and be just fine with that. Sometimes I feel like I would love for the first thing people ask me about to NOT be about Emma's diabetes. Sometimes I wish people were more understanding of this disease and more willing to want to support us. Sometimes I wish I could know the right thing to say to make it all better. Sometimes I wish things were easier.
I know that I am not alone. I know that I don't know everything there is to know about diabetes and I probably never will. I know that I am thankful for the fact that life isn't easy because it keeps me on my toes and forces me to think in new ways. I know that no matter how exhausted I am, I will always do anything it takes for Emma. I know that I will never be able to make everyone understand that there is more to us than diabetes. I know that not everyone we meet is going to want to learn more than the basic ignorant knowledge of this disease. I know that I will never truly feel like I belong in a group of people who's lives are not affected in the same way as ours. I know that I will be ok. I know that Emma will be ok. I know that I can take things as they come and do my best. I know that if I were given the choice to do it all over again, I would. I know that even though we have come a long way on this path...there is still leaps and bounds to go before we reach that field of wildflowers together...standing there hand in hand...a cure before us. I know that we will get there. I know that is true not just because I am Emma's Mom and want it to be true...I know it because there is no way that someone as special as her would ever wind up with any outcome less than that.
I know that I am thankful for all of you. I know that you will always "get" me and "get" my life. I know that you will all be there for me as I will be there for you. I know that you will think there is probably something wrong with me or that maybe I am not feeling well if I don't share at least one humorous thing in this post....so I will end this with a little snippit of my afternoon:
While walking up the street to pick Emma up from school this afternoon, I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check on the time. I was so focused on my phone that I narrowly missed walking full force into the back of a minivan....yep...SO close that I instinctively put my hands out in front of me and wound up giving the back of that van a little shove. Did I think that I could just shove it out of the way? Or was I trying to save my face from a full out impact with the back of a Mitsubishi Montana? Who knows....lolol....at least I didn't do this though!!
I know that I am not alone. I know that I don't know everything there is to know about diabetes and I probably never will. I know that I am thankful for the fact that life isn't easy because it keeps me on my toes and forces me to think in new ways. I know that no matter how exhausted I am, I will always do anything it takes for Emma. I know that I will never be able to make everyone understand that there is more to us than diabetes. I know that not everyone we meet is going to want to learn more than the basic ignorant knowledge of this disease. I know that I will never truly feel like I belong in a group of people who's lives are not affected in the same way as ours. I know that I will be ok. I know that Emma will be ok. I know that I can take things as they come and do my best. I know that if I were given the choice to do it all over again, I would. I know that even though we have come a long way on this path...there is still leaps and bounds to go before we reach that field of wildflowers together...standing there hand in hand...a cure before us. I know that we will get there. I know that is true not just because I am Emma's Mom and want it to be true...I know it because there is no way that someone as special as her would ever wind up with any outcome less than that.
I know that I am thankful for all of you. I know that you will always "get" me and "get" my life. I know that you will all be there for me as I will be there for you. I know that you will think there is probably something wrong with me or that maybe I am not feeling well if I don't share at least one humorous thing in this post....so I will end this with a little snippit of my afternoon:
While walking up the street to pick Emma up from school this afternoon, I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check on the time. I was so focused on my phone that I narrowly missed walking full force into the back of a minivan....yep...SO close that I instinctively put my hands out in front of me and wound up giving the back of that van a little shove. Did I think that I could just shove it out of the way? Or was I trying to save my face from a full out impact with the back of a Mitsubishi Montana? Who knows....lolol....at least I didn't do this though!!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Night time visions and neon pink lady bug lanterns
I just went to check on Emma's blood sugar while she was sleeping because I have been having an issue with high numbers at night. For the life of me, I could not figure out why they were occuring...until I posted it on a diabetes group on Facebook and found some answers. My Sherlock Holmes detective skills brought me to the conclusion that these numbers were occuring a couple of hours after bath time. I thought maybe the fact that I was actually disconnecting her from the pump during the bath was causing the problem? Nope...the fabulous ladies on Facebook brought me new insight....it all boils down to that little clippy thing that comes with the infusion sets. Apparantly when the nurse told me to plug that little clippy thing into her sight when I disconnect her at bath time.....I was sleeping...or daydreaming...or maybe crazy pump lady Flo was in the driver's seat for that moment? Yep...so water was getting in there...causing the issue. I'm a dork. Now I know though!
Anyway, as I stood there checking her blood sugar tonight...meter and lancet in my hands...neon pink lady bug lantern turned on and hanging from my mouth to shed some light on the task at hand....I couldn't help but stare at her. Sure I look at her all the time during the day, but it isn't so often that I actually look at her while she is sleeping. Usually I am busy concentrating on not waking her up during the night, or staring at the meter as it counts down while I hold my breath waiting for a good number so I can sleep, or keeping a look out at the bedroom door so the cat doesn't sneak in and try to sleep with Emma (I don't trust it in the bedroom because Emma also has a fish tank in there and would be heartbroken if Daisy decided to have a little midnight snack of the fish variety).
So, I got a decent number from the meter and I stood there looking at her. She looked so peaceful...so beautiful...hand protectively placed over her pump. I am amazed at how attached she has become to it. I was so worried that she would want to take it off after a couple of days. It was eating me up inside. I was afraid that she would not be comfortable sleeping with it and not think it was worth the struggle. I stood there tonight looking at her and really truly seeing how amazing she is. I remembered standing in that very spot watching her sleep when she was just a tiny baby. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell that version of me to linger just a little bit longer...kiss her sweet baby fresh smelling head a couple more times...enjoy the soft squishy cuddles and giggles for just a few more minutes...take more pictures to remember the little moments. I miss that tiny version of her. I miss that innocent diabetes free version of her. I miss the little moments. It went by way too fast. She had to grow up way too fast.
So, I let myself feel sad for the loss of that version of us for just a minute...I let myself be sad at how different we are now...I let myself be sad for just a minute at how quickly time passes and how fast she is growing up. Just for a minute. That's all I needed....because as I turned to leave the room....she tooted....lololol....and smiled in her sleep.....and I was brought back to reality...I LOVE how Emma is...I love how funny (fart and potty humor and all!!) she is now and how smart she is...how sweet and caring...how kind and wonderful. I know that those days of her being my tiny baby all played a part in making her who she is today. I wouldn't trade that time for anything...
Anyway, as I stood there checking her blood sugar tonight...meter and lancet in my hands...neon pink lady bug lantern turned on and hanging from my mouth to shed some light on the task at hand....I couldn't help but stare at her. Sure I look at her all the time during the day, but it isn't so often that I actually look at her while she is sleeping. Usually I am busy concentrating on not waking her up during the night, or staring at the meter as it counts down while I hold my breath waiting for a good number so I can sleep, or keeping a look out at the bedroom door so the cat doesn't sneak in and try to sleep with Emma (I don't trust it in the bedroom because Emma also has a fish tank in there and would be heartbroken if Daisy decided to have a little midnight snack of the fish variety).
So, I got a decent number from the meter and I stood there looking at her. She looked so peaceful...so beautiful...hand protectively placed over her pump. I am amazed at how attached she has become to it. I was so worried that she would want to take it off after a couple of days. It was eating me up inside. I was afraid that she would not be comfortable sleeping with it and not think it was worth the struggle. I stood there tonight looking at her and really truly seeing how amazing she is. I remembered standing in that very spot watching her sleep when she was just a tiny baby. Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell that version of me to linger just a little bit longer...kiss her sweet baby fresh smelling head a couple more times...enjoy the soft squishy cuddles and giggles for just a few more minutes...take more pictures to remember the little moments. I miss that tiny version of her. I miss that innocent diabetes free version of her. I miss the little moments. It went by way too fast. She had to grow up way too fast.
So, I let myself feel sad for the loss of that version of us for just a minute...I let myself be sad at how different we are now...I let myself be sad for just a minute at how quickly time passes and how fast she is growing up. Just for a minute. That's all I needed....because as I turned to leave the room....she tooted....lololol....and smiled in her sleep.....and I was brought back to reality...I LOVE how Emma is...I love how funny (fart and potty humor and all!!) she is now and how smart she is...how sweet and caring...how kind and wonderful. I know that those days of her being my tiny baby all played a part in making her who she is today. I wouldn't trade that time for anything...
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Girls just wanna have fun...and fallin in LOVE!!
Today was quite possibly one of the most amazingly best days of my life since Emma was diagnosed. I am seriously falling in love with her Animas Ping. I started out hating it before I even had it in my hands, then I moved to being scared of it and thinking I was going to break it or it was going to break my daughter so to speak, and now I am slowly but surely falling in love with it. I know...I know...you're probably saying, "But Amy, it's just a machine! How can you love a tiny little machine?....and aren't you already in love and married?!" Well, yes...yes I am....but I can't help it. This little device is proving to me how serious it is about keeping my kid healthy. It is like an eager little kid wanting and willing to do the best job it can to make you happy. I love it....I'm still afraid of it to a certain extent...but I love it. Emma's blood sugar #'s today were as follows....3.7(66), 4.1(73), 5.7(102), 6.4(115), and 5.9(106)...now that ladies and gentlemen is what you call perfection. I am so happy. Emma is so happy. She is acting like a nut. I feel like I am FINALLY getting my kid back again. I am getting back the kid that I used to have before diabetes. She is happier and laughing more...playing and has more energy...acting WAY more goofy than usual....simply because she is feeling good....and she is feeling good because of her good blood sugar #'s...and her good blood sugar #'s are because of her Animas Ping. I love having her back...I love seeing how much more free and and happy she is. I loved taking her to Dairy Queen after supper today...at an "unscheduled snack time", and getting her an ice cream treat. I loved sitting at the table and pushing a few buttons to bolus her instead of having to drag out the needles. This pump has somehow made me feel like some of those pieces of my heart that were broken off many times over the years, are finally starting to grow back. I am so beyond greatful that we live in a time where my daughter can have this...and can have so much of her life back...it's simply awesome.
Also, earlier today we made another video for a friend who donated to Emma's Dollar for Diabetes fundraiser for JDRF. Let's just say there was lots of giggles, a fireman hat, embarassing dancing, and Daisy the cat....if you are ready for some laughs at my expense, here ya go....:o)
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/video/video.php?v=10150249374254715
Hope you enjoyed it and had a giggle....and I hope you all had a fantastic weekend!!
Also, earlier today we made another video for a friend who donated to Emma's Dollar for Diabetes fundraiser for JDRF. Let's just say there was lots of giggles, a fireman hat, embarassing dancing, and Daisy the cat....if you are ready for some laughs at my expense, here ya go....:o)
Hope you enjoyed it and had a giggle....and I hope you all had a fantastic weekend!!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Dandelions, frogs, and heart attacks
So today started out in typical Amy fashion...I woke up 20 minutes before school starts. I have no idea how, but I managed to get Emma to school as the bell was ringing for the kids to go in. Whew! The rest of the day turned put to be pretty amazing actually. I was beginning to gain the teeniest bit of confidence with my pumping abilities, the sun was shining down on me warming my soul and making me feel like I actually could make it through this transition period to the pump virtually unscathed. I went to pick Emma up from school at lunch time and one of the other Mom's there waiting for her son had walked around the back field and picked a bunch of dandelions and tied them together to make a dandelion princess crown for Emma to wear when she came out. She loved it and pretended to be a princess.
All was going well in the land of new pumpers until after supper. Emma and I decided to go visit some friends that live up the street for a little bit. We were there for probably an hour and a half tops. When it was time to go, I told Emma I wanted to check her blood sugar just to make sure things were going smoothly. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I saw that Animas Ping remote meter count down from 5 and give me a reading of 23.1!!!! WTF??? So, I remained calm in front of our friends and gave her a correction bolus. We walked home and roughly 30 minutes later I checked her again so I could see if she had come down at all and so I could give her her bed time snack. Well, once again that traitor meter told me that she was now 26!! (I just now remembered that some of you that read my blog are in the States and may not know this, but to get the blood sugar number you are familiar with...just multiply my number by 18. I know...super convenient...it would make life so much easier if it was multiply it by like 10 or something! crazy Canadians and their crazy numbers!) So, I gave her another correction and paged the nurse, even though she is on holiday right now. She brought her work pager home with her though and told me to call daily with numbers to help me make adjustments to basals and stuff. So....there I sat...wondering what the hell was going on. Was she getting sick? Was the pump malfunctioning? Should I give her an injection? Change the site? ughhh...my mind was racing...I was lost. I felt totally and completely out of control....diabetes was controlling things...diabetes had given me a roundhouse kick to the jaw in our UFC match (which has been going on for nearly 3 years now...that's alot of rounds of fighting! Somebody ding the bell announcing a cure already!) and I was falling to the mat in slow-motion...just like in the Rocky movies. (Rocky #4 is one of my favorite movies, by the way...I know...dork...lol)
Well, to make an EXTREMELY long story short...or semi-short I guess at this point...I had to give her a site change...without using the numbing cream..still play/pausing my helpful Animas DVD..and shedding a few tears of my own...seeing the hurt and worry in Emma's big brown eyes...and feeling like a failure.
Now, here I am waiting it out till 2:00 in the morning...to check and see if she is ok. The nurse told me that if she is under 10.0 then i am to either set a temp basal...or give her 10g of carbs to get her through the night. If she is climbing back up again, then that means there is something wrong with my site change and I will need to do a new one and continue checking her. Fabulous. I was under the impression I would be able to sleep tonight. Not likely. So, here's to hoping I don't have to do a site change! Here's to hoping she will be ok! Here's to hoping I will one day sleep again! and here's to hoping that I will not have a heart attack before the age of 35 due to diabetes/pump worry and stress.
By the way, here is a picture of the giant froggie too....he is super cute
Well, to make an EXTREMELY long story short...or semi-short I guess at this point...I had to give her a site change...without using the numbing cream..still play/pausing my helpful Animas DVD..and shedding a few tears of my own...seeing the hurt and worry in Emma's big brown eyes...and feeling like a failure.
Now, here I am waiting it out till 2:00 in the morning...to check and see if she is ok. The nurse told me that if she is under 10.0 then i am to either set a temp basal...or give her 10g of carbs to get her through the night. If she is climbing back up again, then that means there is something wrong with my site change and I will need to do a new one and continue checking her. Fabulous. I was under the impression I would be able to sleep tonight. Not likely. So, here's to hoping I don't have to do a site change! Here's to hoping she will be ok! Here's to hoping I will one day sleep again! and here's to hoping that I will not have a heart attack before the age of 35 due to diabetes/pump worry and stress.
By the way, here is a picture of the giant froggie too....he is super cute
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
