Track 3 on my diabetes greatest hits CD

Those of you who know me personally already know this...but for those who don't...i am definitely NOT a morning person. It poses somewhat of a problem for me dealing with diabetes...but we manage. I usually stumble around and really don't talk at all until I have gotten my first cup of coffee in me. This morning I woke up half an hour late and in the midst of rushing around trying to get everything done and get Emma to school on time, i noticed something i've never paid attention to before. The sounds of diabetes. It's pretty weird really. All the clicks, ticks, beeps, and such. Sometimes they are so faded away in the background that I don't notice them at all...other times they are so loud and in my face that it is deafening. I never thought it would happen...and by reading my blog, you probably would never believe me...but more often than not I usually don't hear them at all. Usually I am so busy with everything, that I don't even notice or realize anymore that I am checking blood sugars or giving needles or even counting carbs. It's like my brain has rewired itself to just DO them...it's just another part of the routine...it goes hand and hand with eating. All of the other people in the world who are able to just EAT when it is time to eat..that is weird to me. I have forgotten what it is like to be able to just sit down and put the food in your mouth and eat. Sometimes when I look at food now I don't even see the actual food...i see a number...the carbs. Very strange. It apparantly has had no affect on me eating it though...lol..i certainly don't have a problem eating too many Nilla wafers for example. It is strange though...kind of sad in a way. Sometimes I wonder what I will do with my time when Emma is grown and out of the house. What will it be like for me at meal times? Will I still count carbs? Will I still measure out a cup of veggies for myself? How will I be able to break these habits that I have now? Will I ever get rid of the need to give a needle to someone after eating? How will I be able to go back to the way things were with food before diabetes? I think it will be hard. In the beginning of diabetes moving in and becoming an unwanted houseguest, I thought it would be hard to get used to adding the needles, blood sugars, etc to the meal time routine. I thought I would never be able to get used to it. Human nature is a strange thing...Now it is all such a habit to me that it is sort of weird. I have found comfort in the routine...comfort in the habit. So much comfort in fact, that I am a little worried of what it will be like to not have that routine...that familiar worn-in favorite sweater. Only time will tell I suppose.
I realize that I have gotten a little off my original topic...so I am going to try and rope it back in here...lol. The sounds of diabetes! Well, those times that the sounds of diabetes are deafening...those times are the scariest...the most dreaded. For example when Emma is low it seems like each of those sounds could make my head explode. The unzipping of her meter case...the opening snap of the test strip container...the beep as I put the strip in the meter...the clicking of the lancet...the ticking of the clock as each single second passes with an eternity. That "song" of that single moment in time is worse than any noise i've ever heard. Sometimes i think i would prefer to listen to nails on a chalkboard. Thankfully that particular song doesn't come on our playlist all that often. In any case...the sounds of diabetes are with me always...whether I hear them or not

Who is that I see in the mirror??

Did you ever walk past a mirror when you are out in public..say shopping at a store for example...and you catch a glimpse of yourself out of the corner of your eye and think "WOAH! That woman could use a nap!"? That happened to me the other day...very disturbing. It got me thinking though...I wonder how other people perceive me. I mean deep down I really don't care what others think of me...unless they are members of my own family. But from a general curiosity killed the cat point of view...I do wonder. I wonder if people assume I've been crying or sick or on drugs when they notice the blood shot eyes i tend to walk around with every day because I've been up at stupid times of the night checking blood sugars. I wonder what they think when they see me stopped with the blood sugar meter supplies out laying on top of the loaf of bread in my shopping cart while getting groceries...checking Emma's blood sugar in the produce aisle of the store because she looks a little TOO pale to me. What do they think when they see me pull out the needle of insulin in the middle of the mall and see me lift up Emma's shirt to get at her belly so I can give her the needle to correct a high blood sugar? I wonder if people who know me feel sorry for me because of diabetes. I wonder if they think that my life is so sad and that diabetes makes everything so much less fun in our house. Do they think that we have it so much harder than them and do they look at Emma and their kids and think how happy or lucky they are that it's Emma and not their child who is diabetic? Do they know that sometimes I wish that it was some other kid and not Emma who has diabetes? These are some of the things running through my head in that split second it takes to catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror at a store.
Who knew my mind moved that fast? lolol...i sure didn't

The Emma/Mommy bubble

A couple of days ago we went to an indoor playground for a JDRF event. I talked about it in my last blog actually. Well, I wanted to also bring up something that happened that same day. Emma's numbers were on the higher side all day, so when we got there I decided to not give her her usual afternoon snack because I didn't want her blood sugar to skyrocket. Everything went ok when we were there and we went about our usual business at home of getting supper ready. Well, about 30 min. before supper was going to be done Emma came up to me and said that she thought she was low. I checked her and sure enough she was only 2.9. I instantly got that panicked feeling in my heart...my brain focused solely on juice box juice box juice box. Get the carbs into her before something more dangerous happens. I opened the fridge, grabbed a juicebox, jammed the straw into it and shoved it in her mouth. Then I sat there staring at her...waiting for her to finish it. I absolutely hate that feeling. The waiting and wondering if it is working...if it will bring her up quick enough. I hate seeing her so pale and so shaky with the panicked look in my eyes mirrored in hers. So, she finished the juicebox and I waited a few more minutes...staring at the wretchedly slow clock...my stomach clenching and twisting in fear...trying to force my hands to stop shaking and stop wanting to pick up the meter to check right away because i know i need to wait longer to give the juice time to get in her system. I can't take my eyes off of her...im afraid if i do that she will pass out or worse. After she drank the juice and i was able to wait long enough, she told me that she still felt funny..........ugh. So, I checked her again and she was 2.6. awesome. So, once again the pounding heart comes back and i rush to grab anything at all that has carbs and shove it at her. Well, to make a long story short...her blood sugar finally came back up to normal. I hate that moment in time though...when you are waiting for it to be ok. It's like everything else in the world has stopped...no other noise...no other sound...nothing is moving...like someone has pressed pause on the dvd of your life. The only thing that I can focus on is Emma...her eyes...her face...her shaking hands holding the juice that is putting carbs back into her little body...my own shaking hands holding the meter and lancet...staring at the clock..watching that minute hand draaaaggg around the numbers. It's like her and I are in our own little bubble and everything around us is gone...we are solely focused on diabetes and her body. I hate what diabetes does to her...i hate what it does to me. I will never let it beat us though...it won't win. If it takes the rest of my life to ensure that my daughter is cured...that is what I will do. She doesn't deserve to have this in her life. No one should have to watch their child turn white as a ghost and shake uncontrollably...telling you that they feel low...needing you to make it better. You can't kiss diabetes and make it better...you can't make it go away...you can't "fix" your child's diabetes. Diabetes takes away one of your number one duties as a mom...the ability to make your child better with a kiss. Each time this fact is thrown in my face...each time one of these moments in time is thrust upon us...each low blood sugar episode...it hardens my heart a bit more. I hate that diabetes can do that to me and i hate that i am not strong enough to stop it from happening.

The eyes of the world...

Today we went to a Family fun day event put together by JDRF. It was really great to spend time with some of the other diabetic families in our area and Emma had a blast playing at the indoor playground. It's nice to have these families in our lives. It's nice to be able to sit on a bench and talk with another mom who understands. It's nice to not have to feel like we are the odd ones out when I stop Emma from playing for a minute to check her blood sugar. I have said it many times before, but I don't know what I would have done these past 2 and a half years without having these other moms in my life. It really is like a family to me. We are all connected on such a deep emotional level that it really is amazing. There are some of us who have been dealing with this disease for a lot longer than others...and some who are brand new. We are all together in this journey. I find it interesting just looking into the eyes of these women while talking to them and seeing something I recognize in myself. The newer eyes still have the look of sadness, worry, stress, exhaustion, and sometimes guilt. I can look into their eyes and see myself at that point (and still at some moments now!). It brings all of those emotions back up to the surface...it hurts my heart so much that they are now with us in this fight. Those eyes look like they wish that they could just wake up from this nightmare and have everything be back to normal...back to how it was before the doctor told them their baby was diabetic. I wish i could tell them that they have more strength in themselves then they could have ever imagined. I wish I could change it for them...i will be there to help them anytime they need me.
Then I look into the eyes of a mom who is at the same point in this fight as me. I see a bit of confidence, familiarity, strength beyond all measure, still worry and stress, still tiredness, a knowingness of how far we've come and how much we've endured, a worry of what is yet to come, a bit of peace and acceptance of it all. Looking into these eyes is like putting on your favourite sweater...its comforting, warm, familiar. I can look into these eyes and KNOW in my heart and soul that I am not alone...I will always have these women in my life to help me and be there for me. I will always help and be there for all of these women too.
Then i look into the eyes of a mom who is at a point in this journey far beyond me. She has been at this so much longer than I can relate to. In these eyes I see worry and stress and tiredness still...but I also see a strong confident woman. I look into these eyes and I see endurance beyond anything that I can imagine. It makes me feel like I can do this too when I look into their eyes. It gives me hope and confidence.
These women are all very special to me. I hope on some level at some point in time I can be as important to them as they are to me. That is all we have in life really....each other. All of the STUFF we have doesn't really amount to anything in the end. I think that it is all about WHO we have in our lives...who has made an impact on us and our souls deep down where no one could possibly understand unless they are dealing with it themselves. It's about who WE have made an impact on as well. That is all I care about..surrounding myself with truly good to the core people. Being there for someone who needs help. That is what I love about life...

A knife through the heart...

So yesterday at lunch time Emma was 3.1...ugh! The rest of the day was absolutely perfect though...she was actually 7.5 at three different times during the day which is awesome. Anyway, at lunchtime based on her low blood sugar reading and the amount of carbs she ate...it worked out that she didn't need a needle at all to cover it. This is a pretty rare occurance to be honest. I think in the past 2 1/2 years it has only happened one or two other times. It's weird too how at the beginning of diabetes being in our lives I never wanted to give her a needle...i always felt so bad having to do it. Well, now I feel like I am doing something wrong when it works out that I don't have to give her one! The last time it happened, I brought it up to Emma how cool it was that she didn't even need a needle for that particular meal. I thought it was pretty neat that for that one moment of the day we could sort of "pretend" that she wasn't diabetic. Well, Emma had the complete opposite reaction. She instantly burst into tears! In between sobs, she was telling me how she missed how things were before diabetes when she NEVER had to have a needle for ANY meal she ate. She said how much she hated diabetes and wished that it never happened to her. That was probably one of the lowest points for me since this all began. It was like a knife straight thru my heart to see my baby girl so upset...so hurt and angry and bitter about how things have to be for her. Emma is typically a very easy going mellow kid...she kind of rolls with the punches and doesn't seem to get too bothered by things. So, it is quite a shock to me sometimes when she reacts like that. People always say things like "it just breaks my heart"...I say it too actually. Well, to see my little girl sitting there crying her eyes out, feeling so helpless and hopeless....my heart actually did break I think. A piece of my heart broke that day...it kills me to not be able to help her...I don't have the words or the knowledge of how to handle a situation like that. I just pulled her into my lap and hugged her and wiped away her tears and kissed her. Our kids should never have to deal with something so heavy like that. Us as Moms should never have to deal with that either...we shouldn't have to sit there and try to think of how to comfort our child when they are filled with so much despair over something that they didn't ask for...they never asked for diabetes...they didn't do anything wrong to get it...they are so innocent! Diabetes has hardened my heart I believe. It has made me react differently to things. It has changed my whole perspective on things. It's changed ME forever like it or not. For the most part, I think Emma deals with her diabetes better than I do. She is a lot stronger than I am. She is a lot stronger than most adults I know. She is my hero. So, needless to say...yesterday when it worked out that she didn't need a needle at lunch...i didn't mention it to her at all...i didn't even bring it up. I just continued about our business and she didn't even notice. Or maybe she did...and just held it all in this time. I hope not...i hope that she can just be comfortable with letting out her emotions and feelings when she needs to. Diabetes is a bully...i hate it...

Eating out with ignorant folks

So, yesterday was a pretty busy day. After school we had parent student teacher conferences and then we went to pick my husband up from work. On the way home we stopped to grab a quick supper at A&W. Well, while we were sitting there and Emma was eating...I gave her her needle just like normal. There weren't too many other people in there...and I didn't make a huge obvious deal about what I was doing...I just went about my business of giving the needle just like I do every single day. I have never tried to hide the fact that I am giving her a needle...I've never tried to make a big deal out of it...I've never really treated it as anything unusual or out of the ordinary. I am just helping my child out by giving her something that her body can't make on it's own anymore. It's the same as cutting up your child's food into bite sized pieces so they won't choke. I just consider it as one more part of the routine of eating...wash hands, eat, count carbs, needle. I have noticed many times over the years though that some people out there have a real problem with me giving my child a needle in public. I have gotten glares, stares, rude comments, and the always amusing "pfftt" noise from people. I find it funny too that 99.9% of the time these things are coming from grown adults. People always think and say that children are cruel...they are mean and make it hard for others to feel like they fit in. Well, I personally think that most adults are the actual ones with the issues. Kids may glance over to see what I am doing when I give Emma a needle or check her blood sugar...simply because they are curious. Adults will assume the worst...they assume that it is some kind of "drug" , which blows me away because my daughter is SIX! why the hell would they think I am giving my 6 year old child drugs? If they are smart enough to realize that it is in fact just insulin I am giving her, then they pass judgement on what I am in fact letting her eat at the time. The worst places I have found for that are McDonald's and Dairy Queen. Don't get me wrong...we DO NOT eat at those places all the time! It isn't healthy for anyone diabetic or not. Anyway, the all-time worst was one day I had taken Emma to eat lunch at Dairy Queen and afterwards I got her a little ice cream for dessert. While eating her food, I gave her the needle. This woman who was probably in her 60's was watching the whole time...she had this disgusted look on her face. I was watching her out of the corner of my eye the entire time because I knew that something was going to be said...my radar was up...I kind of  can see it coming now. Well, she gave me the "pfffttt" noise and sat there shaking her head and commenting to herself how disgusting it was that I was letting my child eat that food and making her have a needle. Why didn't I just feed her better and not let her have any sugar? Ahhh...it's really disappointing sometimes how ignorant people are. How did we get to be so cruel to each other? What happened to make us this way? I have developed some pretty thick skin over the past 2 1/2 years...so it really takes a lot for me to actually get upset over something someone says about my daughter's diabetes. I hope that when she is older she doesn't have to hear too many ignorant comments or be treated cruely by people who feel like they know everything. And if she does...I hope that I have taught her how to handle it with a grain of salt and not let it get her down. There is so much more to diabetes than just needles and blood sugars and carbs....way more than most people ever realize. In fact I think the needles and all of that are really the easiest part of it. It's the mental strength you must have to really make it. You need to be able to dig deep and be strong mentally and emotionally. You need to believe in yourself and your abilities. You need to have faith in yourself. There is so much that I am trying to teach Emma about this...I hope I am not forgetting anything important. I hope that she will know some day what it's like to not have this annoyance in her life. She deserves it.

Wanting another baby and OUR life's ride

So I have thought about writing about this before...but I always wind up erasing it and writing about something else instead. I should have known better though...because it is still floating around in my head banging back and forth trying to get out...lolol...so I should just write it out and be done with it. Anyway, I have always wanted to have more kids. I mean I LOVE Emma more than words can even describe...but I have still always wanted to have more...at least one more. My husband has 2 from a previous relationship. They are 15 and 12 and do not live with us. I have always wanted another baby though. I think part of it is selfishness. My family (parents, grandparents, brother, etc) all live back in Wisconsin where I am from. I think that makes me want another person with us here even more...another person for Emma to have. She has actually made many many comments to me over the years about how she wishes that she could be a big sister...and she could have a brother or sister who is here all of the time too. Well, problem one with this is that I don't think that my husband really wants any more kiddos. Problem two though is much more difficult...I think that I would constantly be worrying that the baby would have diabetes too. I think that I would be constantly looking for the signs...wanting to check their blood sugar too...worrying about a whole other person having to go thru the same stuff as Emma does. I wouldn't be able to handle the guilt if that happened...I would never be able to forgive myself I think. I would know that I selfishly wanted this baby...and it would be all my fault that they were diabetic too. How would I be able to accept that? And what if it never happened until they were much older than Emma was? What if we reached the point of that collective sigh of relief thinking that they weren't going to be diabetic too...only to find out that wasn't the case? On the other hand though...what if it never happened? How paranoid would I make this child fron my constant worrying about them? UGH. I know we can't control the future...we can't predict what would or wouldn't happen. We just kind of have to strap in and hang on for the ride. That is the whole point of life, isn't it? The journey...the experience...the ride... It isn't about the end result or finally getting to that specific point or getting that specific thing. It's about what happens on the way there...who we meet along the way...what we experience on the way there. I wish though that I could settle this in my head. I wish that either the feeling of wanting another baby would go away...or the feeling of worry and guilt about wanting another one would go away. I hope now that I have written it out, it will stop banging around in my head and I can have a little peace on that matter. I would like to be able to just focus on the ride we are on now...strap in...and try to keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. Except when we reach that first loop-de-loop....then it's definitely arms in the air and screaming my head off....