Bolusing in the weirdest places

In the beginning of this new life of ours, I was always baffled at the enormous amount of variables that affect blood sugars. I was overwhelmed at the multitude of various situations that can come up that required thinking outside of the box and learning how to make it work with diabetes. I sit here right now and think back to all of the crazy things we have LIVED through in the past 3 years...and all of the crazy things I have been strong-armed by the big D into figuring out and adjusting and managing to the best of my ability. I have LIVED through a 6 hour plane delay and being stuck in the Toronto airport with a 5 year old diabetic. I have LIVED through hundreds of 2 hour long gymnastics classes...some on insulin pens and the wicked (in our experience anyway) Lantus, some on the Animas Ping. I have LIVED through a load of birthday parties including swimming, indoor playgrounds, Chuck E Cheese, bowling, and laser tag. I have LIVED through illnesses that have brought my poor exhausted mind to the brink of insanity in trying to manage the juggling act with a feather and chainsaw combo of ketones, low blood sugars, and stomach viruses resulting in NO appetite. I have LIVED through trick or treating, Christmas mornings, Easter egg hunts, and Canada Day fireworks. I have LIVED through making the transition from needles to pump while at school...including a week straight of walking to and from the school 5 times a day to drop off at school, bolus for morning snack, bolus for lunch, bolus for afternoon snack, and pick up at school. I have LIVED through bolusing her in parks, movie theatres, Chinese buffet restaurants, and JDRF Walks.
I was actually starting to believe though that I had pretty much done it all and seen it all. I had LIVED through it all. EMMA had LIVED through it all. I had made countless mistakes along the way...but I learned from them...and she is still here with me asleep up in her bed. I sit here with the baby/diabetes monitor next to me listening to her breathing as I type away.
As that one song goes though, "I shoulda known better..." (what song is that anyway? I can hear it in my head now, but I can't remember the name? I may have to google this...) My husband actually had off of work today, so we all went to the carnival. This wasn't our first carnival post diabetes. We have been to quite a few actually...so I had some idea of how things would play out. I would essentially be chasing highs the whole time we were there...which came true...surprise surprise! I guess next time I should just pull up my big girl panties and set a temp basal for the day. Anyhoo...Emma spotted the ferris wheel right off the bat and decided that is where we were headed first. We waited in line and when it was our turn to climb aboard she hopped right up and sat down with a big grin on her face. We inched our way up to the top one cart at a time so the guy running the ride could load up the next carts in front of us. I happened to glance over at Emma and she looked a little TOO sweaty to me and a little TOO off...so I whipped out our little froggie bag-o-fun and got her meter out and checked her BG. She was high...again surprise surprise...so I had yet another "first time" experience....high atop the ferris wheel in the bright afternoon sun and heat...looking down at the people below us and the horizon far out ahead of us...I bolused my daughter...weird...I never thought I would be able to say that THAT particular situation would arise and I would have to do that. Weird. So, apparently I can now add one more notch to my belt of crazy diabetes related "first time" experiences...I now know I can bolus her on top of the ferris wheel no problem.
This picture has absolutely nothing to do with this post....I just wanted to share it cause it makes me giggle...Emma has been wearing these glasses all the time lately. She took an old pair of sunglasses and popped the lenses out so she can wear pretend glasses and look cool.

This is for all of YOU, from the bottom of my heart

I just wanted to dedicate this post to all of you...my friends of the DOC...you are more than just friends to me actually...you are my 2nd family. I was in a pretty dark low place yesterday. I was so far gone...sad, angry, frustrated beyond all belief, hopeless, and feeling like I wasn't going to be able to climb my way back into the light again. In fact, I couldn't really even see a glimmer of that light anymore at all...it was bad. I am not normally a person prone to depression or really any type of extended sadness...so it was a big shock to my system. I think the fact that I was on the infamous roller coaster that is diabetes and running on little to no sleep probably didn't help matters much either.
If felt good to get that last post off my chest. It gave me a bit of relief to just let those cursed tears fall onto the keyboard...letting all of the poison hate and anger towards diabetes pour out of my exhausted brain and onto here. I needed that. It helped.
Then I woke up this morning and read all of your comments. Believe it or not, I was actually at a loss for words. Aside from one weirdo that I do not know saying something about diabetes being an injectible steroid (WTF?? lolol)...all of your comments brought tears to my eyes. Lora- I absolutely agree with that quote...I try to plaster that smile on my face and laugh things off on a daily basis. Thank you for making me giggle at your comment about your grammer too...lolol. Meri- thank you for the encouragement. I have read many of your posts and I am in complete awe of you. I think you are an incredible person for how you manage to not only take care of your 3 T1's and the rest of your family, but you do it with such a wonderful attitude and humour. Tracy-thank you for reminding me that better days will come and that Emma really is worth all of the effort and more.Valerie- thank you  for the support and for making me remember that I am not alone in this. You give me such hope that Emma will have a bright amazing future as she grows up. Denise (Bean's Momma!) I could hardly see thru the tears when I read what you wrote about all of you reaching to help me back up...that definitely got me. you are incredible and I am so greatful to have you as a friend. I love ya! Denise (Bryce's Momma!) thank you also for the support and for always being there with an encouraging word. Reyna- You are an inspiration to me...you make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me feel like I belong somewhere...for that I will forever be greatful. I love ya!! Wendy- It was difficult to see thru the tears while reading your comment as well. It definitely hit home for me...reminding me that I will never be judged here, I am not alone in how I feel, and most of all that I need to go easier on myself and not let the dark days get the best of me. Joanne- You know I love ya my fellow Canadian! Thank you for the same same and for the hugs.
Today was a MUCH better day thanks to a few hours sleep, a site change resulting in better numbers, me figuring out that the crazy hot weather has been making the insulin in Emma's reservoir get too warm and not be as affective by the end of day 2, and the simple things in life...going to the Dollar Store with Emma and buying a balloon animal making kit and actually figuring it out and making my very first dog balloon animal for Emma. Most of all though....the reason my day was better and I am back in the light again...brighter days again....is because of you. Thank you.

trying to get it all out so i dont explode

I'm tired...I'm over it...i'm one soft whisper of a wind away from slipping over the edge into crazy town...i hate this disease. i try to put up a good facade most of the time for the people in my life and the people i come into contact with every day. i try to make it seem like i know what i'm doing and that i am ok. i try to project that image. i try to make it seem like i'm fine and i know what i'm doing. even though most of the time i feel like on the inside i am screaming my fool head off and my heart is weeping for the life that was thrust upon us. i feel like i just cant do this anymore. i feel like its not fair. im so far in the belljar right now that i dont even have the energy to care about using punctuation or proper grammer. this post is probably going to sound like a bunch of blabbering blubbering poor me bullshit...and for that i apologize...but i cant help it...i just need to get it out. i hate this disease so much right now. i hate what it is doing to emma and what it is doing to me. i hate how it is never ending and relentless and how it never ever gives up. i wish that i could explain to people who dont live with this disease exactly what it feels like. i wish that i knew the proper words to explain the feeling of the all-consuming never-ending enormity of the day to day stress and pressure. its like an unimaginable weight placed on my shoulders day in and day out every single friggin day. its always there...it never goes away and it will never go away until a cure is found. i just want a break. i just want one single afternoon even. one moment in time to be able to go back to how my life was before emma was diagnosed. i want to be able to watch her play at the park and run and be free and just be a kid and not have to worry about what the hell her blood sugars are at. I want to be like all of the other moms sitting out on the grass lounging around and semi-watching their own kids...without a care in the world...just relaxing and enjoying the day. i want that more than anything i have ever wanted in my whole entire life. i would give ANYTHING to just have that option for one single afternoon. if i could just get that one single break...that one single vacation from this DAMN disease...i would be so greatful...it would be amazing. i want that so badly i can taste it. i am so friggin jealous of those people and i hate it. i hate being jealous. i have had enough of this. i hear people tell me all the time that i am such a good mom and i am so strong and that they wouldnt be able to stick a needle in their kids body every day....i do appreciate those comments...but it still doesnt take away my frustrations, stress, worry, hurt, anger, pain of having to do this. the needles are seriously the least of my problems...i do them and i dont even think twice....its the friggin mental war that goes on 24 hours a day every single day. diabetes is ALWAYS there screwing with my mind....i hate it. i hate it i hate it i just want it to go away already.....how much friggin stress can one person be expected to handle....i hate this and i dont want to do it anymore

A beautiful vision

Emma and I traveled back in time to 1914 this afternoon. We had a blast. There is a living museum here in town called Pioneer Village and you can walk all through this mock town set up outside and see how things were back in 1914. Emma is probably the only 7 year old kid I know that is obsessed with "old-timey" things, as she puts it. We went there for the first time last year and the highlight of the visit for Emma was when she got to learn how they did laundry back then and actually get to do it herself. She loved using the washboard and cranking the handle of the ringer to squeeze the water out of it. So, that was all she had been talking about today...how she couldn't wait to get there and do the laundry again. It's too bad I don't have the time or the patience to find myself a washboard and do our own laundry that way now, because I know for certain that she would be all over helping out with that chore! So, we toured through houses that were built in that time, saw all of the old furniture, stoves, old toys, bedrooms, and cellars. We walked through the grocery store, tailor shop, post office, church, blacksmith shop, and butcher shop. We talked with the people working there and learned a lot about the history. It was fun and I loved hearing Emma say how much she loved being there and how she wished she could live there. It sort of reiterated (not sure how to spell that...and too lazy to look it up!) in my mind the fact that she really truly is an old soul. I stood there watching her walk up the path to the farm house and barn and if I closed my eyes for a second I could picture her back then. I could vividly see her wearing the old clothes from that era...her hair in braids...running up the hill with a handful of wildflowers. I could see her stopping on the way to the house to talk to the cows and rub the horses nose. I could see myself standing in the kitchen sweating my patootie off wearing the long dress and apron cooking lunch. It was a nice image. In no way at all am I saying that I would rather give up my lifestyle now and become a Mennonite...lol...but it was nice to picture how our lives would be if we lived back then.

There was a moment though in one of the homes we were touring that put an abrupt halt to my visions of a simpler more peaceful life back then. Emma and I were in the kitchen of this house talking to the woman that worked there. She was showing Emma the old stove and explaining how they had to keep the fire stoked in there all day long to cook breakfast and lunch (apparently supper was always a cold meal like sandwiches or something). Emma was anxious to move on because it was getting close to the time that the laundry "activity" was going to start. So, as we stood there...Emma took her pump off her belt and pushed the button on it to wake it up so she could see what time it was. The woman sort of had an odd look on her face when she heard the beep, so I explained to her that it was just my daughter's insulin pump. As I stood there in this house built in the early 1900's, surrounded by antique kitchen items...it sort of hit me all at once. It Emma and I lived in that time...she would not be able to survive. My daughter would have died years before because of her diabetes. She would not have survived because insulin was not yet discovered in 1914...it was discovered 7 years later in 1921. My vision of my sweet little daughter dressed in her "old-timey" clothes running up the hill to me was wiped away in a flash. It felt like someone had just punched me in the gut and all the air was knocked out of my lungs. If we had lived in that time, I would have outlived my daughter...I would have suffered a loss so great and so unbearable, that I don't think I would have been able to go on.

I stood there in that kitchen surrounded by all of these things from so long ago and looked at Emma holding on to her pink insulin pump. I've seen her do this same manuever so many times over the past almost 2 months. It's such a normal sight...a comforting sight. I saw her holding that pump and I felt tears well up in my eyes. Not out of sadness for once! It was out of gratitude....gratitude that we do in fact live in a time and a place where she can not only wear this device that makes her life easier and more "normal"...but also an indescribable gratitude that we live in a time and place where she can LIVE with this disease.  So, I will store away that beautiful vision of us living long ago for a nice peaceful rainy day....but I will now more so than ever be greatful for our life now and all of the opportunities we have.

It's all about the little things

There are many lessons we learn in this life. Don't swim right after eating. Don't talk to strangers. Look both ways before crossing the street. Don't eat an orange right after brushing your teeth. Don't wear socks and sandals because no matter what you think at the time...it doesn't look good. Don't watch a scary movie late at night when you are home alone.
All very important life lessons...some were taught to us by our parents, some we learned through our own experiences. After a day like the one we had yesterday...I would have to say that hands down the #1 award winning life lesson is most definitely...The little things in life matter the most.
Emma and I went to the park with a friend of hers from school and her Mom. Her Mom and I are actually good friends as well...so it was a really nice afternoon for everyone. The Moms got to chat while watching the girls run around and play. They ran from the slides to the swings to the monkey bars...and even over to the splash pad area to cool off from the hot sun.
I have been struggling for the past few days with trying to get a hold of these unexplainable high BG's Emma has been having, so I wasn't overly worried about her going low from all of the activity...which was also kind of a nice sigh of relief for me.
At the end of this school year, Emma mentioned to me how upset she was at the fact that it was only her and one other kid in her class who weren't able to make it all the way across the monkey bars on their own. It upset her to the point of tears actually. For those of you who don't know my kid personally...this is a major thing. She doesn't cry easily...she doesn't shed a tear when she falls while playing outside...she doesn't get upset like that hardly at all. So, I knew that if this was causing the tears to flow...it was probably something that was eating away at her. Well, there I sat...talking with my friend and keeping one eye on Emma. I saw her reach up, stretching her arm out as far as she could reach...willing her fingers to touch that first monkey bar..standing on the very edge of the platform on her tip toes. She had such a look of fear and determination in her eyes. I waited...holding my breath...cheering her on silently in my head, "Please let her reach it! Please let her reach it!" I saw her finally grasp the bar and take that leap of faith. She swung her little arm out just like her absolute favorite animal (the monkey). I was now silently cheering "Grab the next bar! Grab it! You can do it! Please help her grab it!"....I sat there watching and hoping that she would finally be able to accomplish this goal...finally do it and prove to herself that she COULD do it. I watched her and she grabbed the next bar...and the next...and the next...she DID it...she made it all the way to the end..all on her own! She jumped down and came racing towards me with the biggest grin on her face...her cheeks bright red...and shouting to me that she DID IT!
I know there are some people out there who might be reading this and thinking, "Why in the world is she making such a big deal about monkey bars?"...well, I don't know any other way to explain it than that it is a big deal to Emma. This is something that was bothering her for so long...and she finally did it. It made me realize that through all of my anger, frustration, and sadness about her crazy high blood sugar numbers lately....life should really be about the little things. Seeing her smile and seeing how proud she was of herself...that is what matters...that is what's important. There are so many bad things going on in this world...so many wrong doings and so many disappointments...I need to remember to hang on to those little things. I need to remember to relish in that moment and soak it up. I need to let my mind take a polaroid picture of times like those too. I can't dwell on those stressful angry feelings towards diabetes...I can't try to cram more awful pictures into the photo album in my brain...I need to throw some of those out to make room for the good moments...the truly happy ones...the moments that force me to remember that the little things in life are really all that matters.

Shake it like a polaroid picture

Today was definitely not a good diabetes day. I think I jinxed it really. For the past couple of weeks Emma's blood sugar numbers have been amazing...we are talking near perfect day after day after lovely day. So, I decided to share in our happiness and post something about the good numbers on my Facebook page. I should have kept my big mouth shut. Today was one of those days where I had to wear my "detective" hat all freakin day long. Emma's numbers were ridiculously high for no apparant reason. I kept correcting and correcting and it got to the point where I felt like I was just putting water in her body instead of the insulin she so badly needed. We did some running around in the morning and just around lunchtime we decided to stop at the mall and wander around for a bit and then grab a bite to eat. We checked out the pet store and had a few giggles at the most adorable little puppies who were playing with each other...wrestling about, tails wagging like crazy, floppy big paws slipping and sliding all over as they tried to catch their footing and pin the other one down on it's back. We ooh'd and ahh'd and aww'd over a couple of tiny fluffy little kittens who were meowing and pawing at us. We moved on to the same exact store that we had been in a few months ago where Emma had a pretty awful low. She was so low that she was gripping her juicebox with shaking hands while we sat on the floor together and not a single person (employee or patron) bothered to ask if we were ok. It was an odd thing to be back in that store. It got me thinking about how stressful moments seem to get etched into my brain forever. I could probably drive all around town and point out certain locations and recall exactly what Emma's blood sugar was at when we were there. There was the park downtown where she was at 2.3 one time from running around like a maniac all afternoon. There was the bread aisle of the grocery store where she was 2.9 for no apparant reason at all. There was the parking lot of the book store where she was 2.1 before we even got out of the car to go check out some books. If I sit here and think about it, I'm sure I could come up with a lot more examples. Diabetes really is a weird lifestyle. It's like it sometimes forces me to carry around this polaroid camera in my mind and take snap shots of stressful scary times. I would just as soon forget those times. They were horrible and if I had the choice, I would rather just forget they even happened I think. I know for the most part those experiences did teach me a lesson and probably did help me prevent future similar problems (or at least attempt to prevent them!)...but I still wish I could just crumple up those photos and forget about them.
In any case, we wandered the mall, looked at sparkly jewelry, bought Emma a little globe keychain from one of those girlie stores like Claire's Boutique, looked at pretty clothes, ate some lunch at the food court and commented on how odd it was that it was so LOUD in there seeing as how everyone should have actually been eating or had their mouths full of their own lunches, we smelled lovely smelling candles, perfumes, and lotions, and we battled high BG's....all day long.
My detective skills came up with nothing. I was at a loss...so I was left with my only remaining option...change her site. So, I did...and so far so good. I hope the night brings decent numbers. I hope tomorrow truly turns out to be a "new" day and diabetes plays nice again.

Lazy days of summer?? ya right

So I was sincerely hoping that once school was out that our lives would sort of calm down a bit and we would have more time to relax and just do nothing for once....yea...I should've known better! It's been a madhouse lately and I suppose I really only have myself to blame. Oh well, I suppose there will come a day when I will be an old blue haired woman sitting on the couch wishing for something to keep me occupied and busy. Something other than watching "my stories" on TV and playing Solitaire...lol. Yep, I am totally stereo-typing! I hope I'm not an old blue-haired woman like that. I would like to think that I will have some pizazz and spunk still left in my old bones at that point. I plan on still wearing tank tops and tattoos on my legs (well, I guess those aren't really an option anymore to NOT have on...lol...it's ok though, I like them and Emma told me she thinks it will be funny for her kids to have a Grandma with tattoos) I plan on still acting like I do now...my store dancing and singing self (remind me to share the story of when I embarassed Emma in the pharmacy by singing and full on rocking out to "Don't Stop Believin" while waiting in line for some pump supplies...good times).

Anyhoo, back to the topic at hand. School got out on Friday and from the moment Emma bolted with her friends from the school doors screaming at the top of their lungs "FREEDOM!", I knew that chaos was about to ensue. We did the usual play on the playground, take some pics of friends, and walk home thing. Then after supper we played at the new park down the street from our house....awesome place. Emma had a blast...I took some pics like this one

and we proceeded to walk home. My favorite thing about this park is that there is a HUGE open field with freshly laid grass (sod? I still don't get the differece between those two things...why is it sometimes called sod?). Emma and I slip our flip flops off and walk home through the nice soft brand spanking new grass/sod. It's heavenly on my poor tired feet and I swear if she would let me, I would stand there all day...it's become my new happy place. Soft, cool, pillow like clouds of grass under my toes...it's like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders and I am just floating there on these overwhelmingly comforting green clouds. Ahh...

So, then yesterday Emma and I decided to go to Bacon Fest 2011! My kid is a bacon fanatic for sure. She loves it. Anytime I ask her what she wants for dinner, lunch, or breakfast...the answer is always a resounding and emphatic, "BACON!" We made our way down there after lunch and arrived about an hour and a half later to the smells of Emma's heaven on Earth...bacon. A fun time was definitely had by all. We ate bbq bacon sandwiches, sweet bacon, spicy bacon, cupcakes with bacon sprinkles (a little odd tasting...but not as gross as I thought it would be!), and even bought a tin of bacon flavored toothpicks which I couldn't resist taking a pic of

Before leaving, Emma had to visit the little petting zoo they had set up and spent quite a long time chatting it up with a turkey...hilarious. We both agreed that it was a good idea for the petting zoo people to NOT include a piggy in the menagerie of pets to be petted...that would have just been poor taste.

Now on to today...we left after lunch to go visit some family up at their trailer for the day. It was hot...with a capital H, but we had a blast. Emma went swimming in the lake, we at bbq steak for supper, the kiddos played at the park. It was a great day all around.
As I sit here reflecting on the weekend that is still going on....I am greatful. I'm greatful that we are healthy, that we have family that loves us, that we are able to get together, and that it is summer time finally. Most of all, I am greatful that Emma is on a pump now...our eating schedules were off totally for the past two days...and she has stayed consistantly at a 7 or 8 (126 or 144)...it's wonderful. We have had the odd semi-low...high 3's and low 4's...but nothing that a little juice won't fix. I am truly greatful for this little device. I wish I could kiss the person who invented it. I am so greatful.