A trip to the mall...who invited the diabetes monster along???

I just got back from a nice afternoon out at the mall with Emma. I'm not and never really have been a huge fan of the whole mall experience. My 7 year old is the complete opposite...she loves it...she could spend all day and night there just wandering around checking things out...smelling candles, looking at sparkly jewelry, looking at books and clothes. Sometimes it feels like she is a 17 year old trapped inside a 7 year olds body. Other times it seems like she's a 47 year old trapped in there instead! She uses words that I have never heard another 7 year old use in coversation. The latest one seems to be "fraternize"....she must have said it at least a dozen times at the mall. Anyway, because I love her more than anything...I decided to suck it up and act like I enjoy the mall. We had a really great time actually! Wandered around Bath and Body Works, smelling all of the yummy lotions and candles. Checked out the book store, window shopped the diamond rings, even stopped in at the pet store and saw some adorable puppies sleeping. Well, we made our way to a really neat store called Green Earth and decided to stop in and check all the cool stuff out. They sell things ranging from Webkinz to gargoyle garden statues to incense and gemstones. Emma of course made a bee-line for the wall of Webkinz. After a few minutes she turned to me with that all to familiar look on her face, hands shaking uncontrollably, and said "Mommy? i think I'm low!" Awesomesauce. So, I sat right down...got the meter out even though I knew she was low...tested her...and while it was counting down to give me the reading, I gave her a juicebox. It was 2.8.....fabulous...so there we sat on the floor in Green Earth...drinking juice with hands that could barely hold the straw to her lips. I thought I should play it safe and give her something else too, so I handed over a fruit snack...opening it for her of course because she had no control over her cursed shaking fingers. I hate diabetes. I hate moments like those. I hate seeing my baby pale and shaking and worried...shoveling food and drink into her mouth as best she can. My own flesh and blood suffering like that...in the middle of a damn store in the mall...people walking all around us...stepping over us to get by so they can see the friggin incense holders on the shelf next to us....those same people not even giving us a second glance...no questions...no concern...not one person asked if everything was ok or if they could help...nothing. Just Emma and I...sitting there...alone in a room full of people...fighting the good fight against the beast that is diabetes. I hate it. I hate how we can be having an absolutely wonderful day together and diabetes just comes out of nowhere and slaps me in the back of the head...just to remind me that it's still there...still lurking in the background...still hovering in the dark dusty corner of the store...just waiting...mouth open and teeth bared...foaming at the mouth...ready to pounce whenever it feels like it...just to make things scary...just to give me a little heart attack...just a little jolt to my system to make me remember that it's still there fighting me! Don't ever forget! I hate it.
So, there I sat....waiting and watching the shakes subside and the color return to her cheeks. I decided right then and there that I wasn't going to let diabetes ruin this day...i wasn't going to let it take away all of the fun we had today...I wasn't going to let it make me mad or cut our fun short. So, we tested again...she was fine...and we stood up and continued shopping. F You Diabetes!!! You tried to win this round of the fight today.....but you LOST!! WE WON!! Valiant effort on your part....but you should know by now...you won't beat me...you won't beat my daughter...we are stronger than you by far...and you are evil. Evil never wins. So, i tip my hat to you for trying....but you might as well give up now.

Sisterhood of the Travelling Diabetes Mom.....and Thelma & Louise

Ok, so I just finished watching "Thelma and Louise" for like the millionth time. I love that movie. I think i can relate to them to a certain extent really. I'm not saying that I would go out and kill someone, rob some stores, lock a cop in the trunk of his car, or run from the authorities at all....well, probably not anyway...lolol. I think the bond between women is such a huge thing. The bond between Mom's and daughters, sisters, friends...it's just an amazing thing. On really bad days with diabetes...super high blood sugars, super low blood sugars, stomach viruses, times when it feels like the diabetes monster is just simply winning the fight...knocking you down flat on your face over and over and over again relentlessly......I know that I can always turn on my computer and find a friend who will understand. A fellow diabetes Mom. She may be halfway around the world from me....but that bond we share not only as diabetes Moms, but also as women...that bond is there. It's an incredible thing I think.
I remember Emma's first stomach virus after being diagnosed...I was petrified. I had absolutely NO idea what the hell I was doing...I just kept trying to feed her more and more juice to get that blood sugar number to stay up above 5.0....I was so scared, lost, unsure, sad, and worried. I happened to go on Facebook and a friend was there for me. She doesn't even live in the same country as me. Her teenage daughter actually passed away a few years before that from diabetes related complication. This woman was there for me...at 2:00am...she was there...she talked me through it...she gave me her phone# in case I needed to call her and vent or cry or anything at all. I will never forget that night. i will never forget her generosity and help and advice. i will never forget her story of her daughter. I am so greatful for that bond.
The bond I have with Emma is another amazing thing. I know that she is only 7 years old now...but she really truly is beyond her years. Sometimes when we are dealing with our day to day life with diabetes, I have to force myself to stop for a minute and just look at her. Realize that one day, much sooner than I would like, she will be grown...she will be out on her own and living and leading her own life. I know though that the bond will always be there. I think all of the things we have been through together have just increased that bond even more. At times I feel like it is her and I sitting in the front seat of that convertible holding our hands together up in the air driving right over the edge...taking a leap of faith...trusting that we will land on the other side unscathed.
Diabetes may try to wedge itself in between us and pull our hands apart....but I know in my heart that will never happen.

Mother Nature's a bully sometimes

Sometimes you just have to sit in that pile of snowy ice and laugh at yourself. Yep...it has been quite the day so far! Yesterday morning I woke up at 8:15am....Emma's school starts at 8:30am....needless to say, we were late. So, last night before I went to bed i set my usual alarm clock along with my 3 alarms on my phone. I figured that should be enough to get my groggy bum outta bed on time this morning. Not a chance! I was late once again! However, this morning I woke at 8:13am....a whole 2 minutes earlier than yesterday. I sprinted over to Emma's room and shouted like a drill sargeant, "I slept in AGAIN! Hurry hurry hurry! We can't be late for school 2 days in a row!" My super star of a kid leaped out of bed with her eyes barely open and got herself dressed in record time. We flew downstairs and I tossed her a muffin and some yogurt, checked blood sugar, gave lantus, gave rapid, put snacks in backpack, brushed her hair, got myself dressed, brushed our teeth, and bolted out the door! We made it to school at 8:28. Whew! I can not believe we pulled that off! I can not believe that my 4 alarm clocks set for mere minutes apart did not wake me up. Apparantly I am quite good at shutting off alarms in my sleep. Not a good ability to have when you are the Mom of a school-aged diabetic kid! I am at the point now where I want to hand out my phone number to anyone willing to call me at 7:20am Eastern/Standard time tomorrow morning, so I can make sure this doesn't become an ongoing trend. Maybe the constant ringing of the phone will annoy me enough that I will get up out of bed and actually answer it! Sheesh!
Anyway, after Emma had lunch I drove her back to the school to drop her off for the afternoon and proceeded to make my way back to the car. Well, in the fabulous land of Canada today we have a lovely wintery mix of snow/rain/freezing rain/ and hail going on. Good stuff. It's the type of weather that makes you wish you were wearing a suit of armor to stop the stinging pelt of freezing rain all around you. So, I was tip toe-ing along and out of nowhere a patch of ice jumped right in my path and my feet flew out from underneath me and I landed on my bum...in a snow pile...feeling like a moron...probably looking like one too! Ouch. So, there I sat...getting wet...hurting...and laughing my fool head off.
Sometimes it seems like life just keeps throwing all of these annoyances and road blocks in front of you...one after another...again and again...just to see how much you can actually take before you snap. Years ago i would have been mad and announced that my day had been ruined and I should just go back to bed. Not the case anymore my friends! I have seen what a truely "bad day" looks like since diabetes moved in. It has definitely opened my eyes to the big picture and I know now that if I was given the choice....I would pick sitting in the snowy ice pile getting pelted with Mother Nature's sarcastic sense of humor ANYDAY over a horrid diabetes sick day.

Trapped in the car, lost wallet, and my Mom skills

As I sit here having a snack of peanut butter on a spoon (LOVE IT!), I am thinking about my relationship with my daughter. Yes we are close...yes we have a lot of laughs...and a lot of tears. I know that diabetes has brought us closer together than we probably ever would have if she hadn't been diagnosed. I try to be a good Mom in the diabetes aspect of it as well as the regular Mom stuff. I do treat her like a friend...but I also treat her like a daughter if that makes sense. I mean we do a lot together and have a blast doing it...just like a friend would. Yet I also try to teach her the life skills she will need just like a Mom is supposed to do. She really truly is a good kid. She rarely misbehaves...she doesn't wreak havoc out in public...she doesn't scream and cry and bully others. So, I very rarely ever have to discipline her. The sort of things she does "wrong" are lie to me about how she is feeling heath-wise because she doesn't want to have to stay home sick from school again...or whine to me about having to clean up her toys at the end of the day. In those cases, I deal with them accordingly. Like with this last illness she lied about feeling better, and I had to have a very lengthy tear-filled(on her part) discussion about lying and how bad it is and that she could die from her diabetes if she lied to me about feeling sick or not. So, I feel like I am doing a fairly good job at parenting. I don't know...I think this post is probably starting to sound confuzzled and blabbery. For some reason I am having a hard time pulling the right words out of my brain in the right order today. Let's blame it on the fact that I woke up this morning at 8:15am and school starts for Emma at 8:30am. Maybe my brain is trying to play catch up with me or something.
Anyhoo, I wish that I didn't care so much what others think. Will I (as the grown-up and Mom) ever learn that lesson myself? I hope so...that one is really frustrating to me.
On a completely unrelated topic, and yet keeping the theme of not making any sense today, I thought I would share a couple randomly funny things that happened to us since last week. Enjoy...
Emma and i stopped at Zeller's for something that i can no longer remember at this point (early Alzheimer's or what? sheesh!) and we stopped at the patio furniture section to take a load off and swing on one of the swings before leaving. Well, once we were done, we got up and headed to the registers to pay and leave. As Emma stood up she spotted something and picked it up to show me...turned out to be a wallet! Well, I opened it up to look for the ID in it...only to find nothing in it at all....EXCEPT for a verrrry old looking condom. Yea...I quickly exited the area before Emma could ask any questions...lolol.
Next thing I know will be appreciated by those of you that live in the Northern part of the world. Yesterday we rushed out the door to hop in the car and drive Emma to school in the morning...only to find all 4 doors of our car frozen shut! Thankfully we drive a SUV...so I had to use my only other option and unlock the back and climb through there, crawl over the back seat, over the front seat, start the car to warm it up in hopes of the other doors thawing out in the process, crawl back over to the back seat, back over to the trunk, and help my daughter in. It was quite the scene I am sure! I'm glad i am as short as I am...or that would have definitely been a "situation!" Well, once Emma was in her seat, I turned back to the trunk door and grabbed ahold of the edge and yanked it shut....only to realize that we were now trapped inside. All of the doors were frozen...and there is no handle on the inside of the back trunk door! Awesome....Emma thought it was hysterical. So, i climbed back to the driver's seat and drove to school, heavy breathing on the door lock the whole way there trying to help things thaw. Well, thankfully I must be full of a lot of hot air...because all was ok once we reached the school and we were no longer trapped...we made it out the door like regular folks do every day. Lesson learned....never shut ALL of the doors until you are sure you can get back out...and I may have a new career option in the 900# calls department with my unexpected ability to heavy breath so well....lolol...yea like I would have time for that career path!!

Top of the list in Proud Momma moments

Why us? Why my baby? Why did this happen?...I have spoken those words in conversation, screamed them at the top of my lungs in anger and frustration, written them down while trying to see through the tears falling out of my eyes in the attempt to just get them the hell out of my head already, and simply thought them while trying to fall asleep at night...my head on the pillow...praying with my whole heart and soul that I would wake up the next day and this whole life with diabetes would turn out to just be a bad dream.
Well, this afternoon I caught a glimpse of the reason why. Emma and I went to a luncheon at the Business Trades Union here. Every year the Union holds a golf tournament to raise money and support JDRF. Over the past 5 years they have raised around $100,000. Emma was invited to give a speech to the members so she could express to them how greatful we are for their involvement and support. Also to sort of put a face behind it all and explain to them what life is like with diabetes...and what a cure would mean to her.
We arrived and Emma started telling me that she was nervous to go up to the podium and talk in front of everyone....but that she really wanted to do it anyway. She is amazing to me...she's only 7 and she is so full of determination and perseverance. I tried to talk with her and ease her tension and make her realize that it would be ok...there was nothing to worry about. I usually resort to humour in situations like this...so I actually got her laughing pretty good. Anyway, when they called her up there...I held her hand and walked up with her. It struck me at that moment...seeing her little legs marching up the steps and walking to the podium...standing on top of a step stool so she could see over the top of it and reach the microphone. She is so little...so young...and so brave beyond her years. She began talking and got very nervous, so I wound up helping her out and reading the rest of the speech for her while she stood next to me with my arm around her. I finished reading it, said thank you, and finally looked up from the piece of paper the speech was written on....everyone was standing up...they were all applauding for her...for my sweet brave girl. The Union then presented her with a cheque for $14,000 for JDRF. Amazing! So proud of her for her first attempt at public speaking. There have been countless times over the years where I have fought back the tears stinging my eyes...blinking and blinking trying to stop them from coming. Well, it took everything I had not to let the tears fall today...standing there seeing all of those people who don't know us...they don't know my girl...they don't know what she goes through every day with this stupid disease. Yet, there they all were cheering her on and supporting her.
That sight and that moment showed me exactly why us...why my baby...why this happened. We are here on this Earth for such a short amount of time really. While we are here, we need to do whatever we can to make it a better place. I think diabetes has given us the chance to do that. Emma has never been one to sit back and let things happen around her. I am so beyond proud of her for what she wants to do with her situation. Diabetes is hard. She could easily just sit back and do nothing except hope for a cure to happen one day. Instead, even though it may seem too hard or scary or intimidating...SHE is choosing to be a part of things...she is trying to make a difference. I am amazed by her and I can't wait to see what she wants to do next.

Emma's speech for JDRF

Tomorrow is the big day!! Emma's first duties as Youth Ambassador for JDRF. Seeing as how she had been sick all week, I finally got a chance to sit down earlier and write a speech for her to read at the event. At first I found it kind of difficult honestly. I am so used to just unloading all of the random thoughts from my brain out threw my fingers pecking away on the keyboard. It was a bit of a challenge to write something from the perspective of my 7 year old. Anyway, I thought I would type it out here in the hopes that some of you would give me some feedback before we leave tomorrow! I really truly respect all of you out there and your opinions on all things including diabetes really means a lot to me. So, here goes....and please be honest with any comments. If it is not that great...or if you think something should be changed that could better tug on the heart strings of these people, please feel free to tell me! Thank you all!

Hi, my name is Emma. I'm 7 years old and I have had diabetes for almost 3 years. I am here today to tell you how thankful I am for all of your support of JDRF. Not only does JDRF support research for finding a cure, but they also have made my life with diabetes better. They are always there for us, and I have made a lot of friends who are diabetic just like me.
Life with diabetes takes a lot of work. We don't ever get a break from it. There are no vacations from it. Diabetes is with us every single minute of every single day. It's there from the minute I wake up in the morning until the time I go to bed at night. My Mom gets up in the middle of the night every night to check my blood sugar while I am sleeping to make sure I'm ok. When I am at school, i have to check my own blood sugar and pay close attention to make sure I don't go low. During recess and gym class the lows can happen very easy. On special school days like Halloween, I have to be extra careful watching for lows too because I am extra excited!
This past week I was really sick with the stomach flu. I had a lot of lows as well as ketones. On Wednesday, my blood sugar dropped down to 2.8 so my Mom had to make me eat 200 carbs of food just to keep my blood sugar from staying too low and making me pass out. It was very scary.
Like I said before, I am only 7 years old. I should not have to be scared for my life like that. I should be able to run around and play outside with my friends without being scared that I will go low. I should be able to eat whatever my friends are eating and not worry about needles. I should be able to live my life freely without the added stress of diabetes. I'm just a kid. I didn't do anything wrong to get diabetes. It just happened.
So, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping fight this disease. It means a lot to me and my family. I can't wait for the day that I can say that I USED to have diabetes! Thank you!

Ok...so that's what I came up with. Let me know what you think if you get a chance! Thanks everyone!

Sleep is for quitters

Emma woke up this morning feeling better finally, so we decided it was ok to send her off to school. We went about our usual morning routine...breakfast, insulin, etc. I actually made the executive decision in my head to decrease her breakfast dose by a bit since she had been sick and because I would rather be cautious. Diabetes has made me a cautious person really. I never used to be. Anyway, off to school we went. I stood there on the playground watching her from a distance...watching her line up at the door with her friends and walk in when the bell rang. Other parents and grandparents were standing around me chatting away and asking me how Emma was feeling. It was all sort of just like background noise to me...kind of like Charlie Brown's teacher...wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. I stood there nodding my head and smiling...hearing myself say things like, "she's fine now..thanks...yea, it was a stomach bug.." My voice sounded far away to me. I was too focused on watching Emma. Watching her walk into the school...looking at her face for some sign of the illness she had still lingering...searching for some sign of an impending low blood sugar. I know every single freckle, beauty mark, and dimple on that face. I have spent countless hours just staring at her in disbelief that she is actually my baby...she's beautiful to me. Anyway, I was watching her with that feeling in my gut like something was still wrong...but trying to convince myself that it was nothing...I was just being paranoid because she had been so sick. So, I walked away back to the car...feet feeling like lead weights...hoping that I was wrong...she would be ok.
Well, I should have trusted my gut. I should know that by now...but apparantly I am a slow learner in that department. I got a call at morning snack time that she was 2.8 (50 for my American friends). Awesome. To make an incredibly long story short...I picked her up at lunch time and she wound up staying home because we could not get her blood sugar to stay up. She ate around 200 carbs and didn't go above 7.7 all day...I didn't give her any of her rapid insulin at lunch or supper...the only insulin left in her body was the lantus she got at 8:00 that morning. I have never had this happen before. Very scary to say the least. It is terrifying to get to the point where you just hand the sugar bowl and a spoon over to your kid and tell her to dig in...in hopes that going straight to the source and giving her straight sugar will do the trick...screw the middle man otherwise known as juicebox...just give her straight sugar....and see the blood sugar number not go up AT ALL.
This is one of the reasons why I want to get Emma on a pump. Once that lantus is in her....I can't get it back out if there is a problem. With a pump, I can just suspend it. I am actually going to our first pump class tomorrow (today) morning. Actually...I have to be there in 6 hours and 51 minutes.
So, here I sit...under the instructions of the diabetes nurse...to check Emma every two hours to make sure no more lows occur over night. I am going to stay up until 3:00am, check, try to go to bed, get my husband to do the 5:00am check when he gets up, and then I will be up at 7:15am to check again....and do breakfast, get her dressed, give her waaaaay less lantus this time, hopefully send her off to school, and then go straight to the hospital for my 2 hour pump class, pick her up at school right after for lunch, and then who knows what. Who needs sleep anyway?
Sleep is for quitters.