Have you ever?

Have you ever closed your eyes for a second after dinner and woken up two hours later wondering what day it was...where you were...what the hell your kids blood sugar was...and why she wasn't getting ready for school...even though you come to find out it's actually 10:30pm on a Friday night?

Have you ever driven around town running errands with the volume on your cell phone cranked to full blast AND the vibrate feature turned on and the phone placed in your lap just so you can turn up the radio when your jam comes on and still be able to hear if your kid is trying to reach you from school because she is low or high?

Have you ever unintentionally placed all the items on your pantry shelf with the nutrition info label facing outward just so it's easier to see what to bolus when your kid wants a snack?

Do you know the carb count for an Oreo cookie by heart? 8
How about a turkey sub from subway? 46 for a 6"
How about a cookie dough blizzard from DQ? 104...yes...one hundred and freakin four!

But yet, you can't remember your husbands cell number...and you have to REALLY think about what year he was born?

Have you ever measured out a cup of water for your kid to drink...only to realize immediately after pouring it, that water has no carbs and that whole task just took a whole lot longer than was necessary?

Have you ever found a used test strip in the litter box?

Or in the refrigerator?

Or in the lint trap of the dryer?

Have you ever had to kneel down to look in the eyes of a real life hero?

Have you ever held their hand and stared at the thousands of tiny black holes in their finger tips and felt your heart ache?

Have you ever wondered how you managed to stab your own flesh and blood in the fingers, the arms, the legs, the belly...thousands upon thousands of times for more years than you care to think about at this point...and managed to not kill them in the process...or lose your sanity along the way?

I have.

I've done all these things and more.

If you have too...

Thanks.

Thanks for making me feel like the impossible is entirely possible.

Denial

I read a post online today from a newly diagnosed D-parent. She shared how she is only 2 1/2 months into this life and she felt like she was in denial. She asked if this was normal.

I don't know why, but this post hit me. I read countless posts every day that are diabetes related...and many of them stick with me...many I feel compelled to reply to...offering up support or encouragement. I am usually able to carry on with my day and the post is gone from my thoughts for the most part.

Except for this one.

I can't stop thinking about this parent. I think because that parent was me...six years ago.

I remember taking Emma to a children's museum just a couple of months after her diagnosis. I remember watching her run around with the other kids there...playing...laughing. I remember thinking how this just couldn't be true. I mean look at her! She looked just like those other kids. She didn't look like anything was wrong. She didn't look unwell. I remember thinking that maybe the doctors were wrong...maybe I would wake up tomorrow and she wouldn't have it anymore...maybe the doctors would call me one day and say that they had made a mistake...she didn't have diabetes...she just needed an antibiotic of some sort and she would be right as rain before long. I remember thinking if I just went to bed that night...and closed my eyes extra tight...and slept the night thru...that I would wake up in the morning and this all would have just been a really long...really horrible nightmare.

And then I took her for lunch at the little cafe in the museum.

And diabetes smacked the denial right out of my head again. I pulled out her meter and jabbed a needle into her tiny little finger...saw her wince from the pain...just for a second though...a quick second...because at that point needles in her fingertips were already no big deal to her...she didn't cry anymore...she didn't voice to me that it hurt...it was already just her accepted reality. I scoured the menu for something that I knew the carb count on...I ordered that even though it wasn't what she wanted...because at that point I still wasn't comfortable guessing the carbs in her food...and I didn't know that many by heart yet. She got her food...ate it...and I jabbed another needle in her arm.

I lived in denial for a while. It was something I held onto for dear life. I had to. It's what got me through those first few weeks.

Looking back on it now, I think I confused denial with hope. I hoped it wasn't true. I prayed it wasn't our reality.

Here we are all these years later and I still sometimes will randomly feel that waking nightmare scenario seeping in to my thoughts. The way we as parents cope with this life is really a beautiful thing if you think about it. We grieve the loss of what will never be. We strive for unattainable perfection. We hope.

So, to you, the newly diagnosed parent sharing your innermost thoughts today....I say thank you. Thank you for being brave and speaking from your heart. Thank you for allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling whenever you're feeling it. Hold on to each day...hold onto it with everything you've got...and know that you can do it....know that you ARE doing it...and it will be ok...I promise you that.